we’ve been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter’s premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we’ve been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I’ve never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I’ve tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I’m talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she’ll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can’t tell if she’s scared of me or if she just doesn’t care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I’m trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I’m not sure what to try next, I’d really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I’ve genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I’ve been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I’m kind of at a loss.
Like they said therapy
BUT imo…
Go full honesty. Call their bs smiling and such out, peacefully though. Make it known you see how they respond to you. Clearly communicate am I, your offspring, even worth your time at this point? Or do you not care to mend any relationship left? Save me the time now.
They had you, not the other way around.
I agree, but you can be polite about it. Be blunt and ask “do you want a relationship with me”, but you don’t need to ask “am I even worth your time”. The second is unnecessarily accusatory.
Yeah it was a quick type.
But i mean if you wanna cut through the bs real quick
Yeah I think there’s value in a blunt asking if she wants to spend time with him
Thank you
I get respecting people and their opinions, until it’s not reciprocated
Why would she be scared of you?
Need more information.
But it seems like she wants nothing to do with you
As a teenager I didn’t conform to her will without question, I asked questions and pushed back on decisions if it didn’t make sense to me. I’m positive I was rude very often, but the only physical interaction was her hitting me - I didn’t do more than be a smart ass trying to understand things. Which honestly was a pain for her to deal with, I wish I hadn’t been so difficult for her.
Ultimately I think I was hard to parent because of my ADHD which want diagnosed till later. Having a kid of my own with ADHD I see how hard it is to parent a neurodivergent child if you’re unaware of their needs in that regard.
So as far as her fear, I dunno what she fears of me or if she does fear me. It could just be a knee jerk reaction of hers to limit interaction with me. Maybe she’s afraid of acknowledging our bad relationship or things she’s done?
May be don’t read too much into it. Some people are not that into teaching the basics. Instead may be try some quilt lessons online and then ask her doubts/guidance with some quilting problem. She might be more inclined to engage that way.
I mean she said she prefers to quilt alone as it’s a self enjoyment time. I think it’s probably best not to try to insert yourself into that, and respect her stated wishes.
What a miserable old bag. OP deserves better than this shit.
Right, but teaching is not the same as discussing some specific quilting topic with somebody who already knows it. Teaching is also something regular with a commitment, where as discussing quilting problems requires no commitment outside the current discussion.
I love that idea! I could see that working!
Good luck, OP!
I always find it really hard to reach out to people because I’ve gotten responses like this in the past. Good on you for trying - don’t let the cold response get to you, not worth it.
I’m not sure if it’s relevant here, but I’d recommend taking a look at the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I picked up the audiobook from my library and it really helped me understand myself, my development, and my parents a lot better and to have a healthier outlook on our relationship. I always understood my parents had their own baggage, but I didn’t realize the specifics I could be on the lookout for, the specific reactions I’d had that could be linked to it, and how to move forward.
It could at least be a good start. Best of luck!
You shouldn’t have to apologise for your behaviour as a child. You were a child, she was a parent. If anything your childhood behaviour is to some extent HER responsibility.
From what you’ve said, it sounds as if you’re bending over backwards trying to repair your relationship while your mum is being stubborn & petty. If it were me, I’d make a final attempt to reach out and explicitly say that I am desperately trying to mend our relationship, but it seems as if she isn’t interested in doing that… and if that’s the case, can she just be upfront about it so you can both move on.
This, a thousand times this. You were a child and it was never your responsibility to be anything but one.
If apologizing to your parents for your behavior as a child doesn’t scream childhood emotional neglect, I don’t know what does.
The fact that mom is still blatantly neglecting OPs emotions, too.
To be fair he did say teenage behavior, and I know I said and did some truly awful shit as a teenager. My parents sacrificed a ton for me, and I was just a petty and ungrateful brat tweeting shit like “a homeless man would be a better dad”
Makes me sick just typing that out and knowing that at one point, I said it with my chest.
I’ve definitely gone to my parents and apologized for the fucked up stuff I said and some of the worse things I did. Because sometimes it is the kid.
I was depressed, and dealing with undiagnosed anxiety but that’s not an excuse to say hateful, cruel things, probably just because they said no to going to the mall or something.
I’m 27 now and my dad and I are just starting to get back to having a normal relationship where we talk about things other than like, my taxes or my car maintenance. We can chat now, and talk like a father and daughter.
So in regards to OP…idk what his situation was but maybe the apology was warranted. But for her to still be digging her heels in…yeah it might be time to just lay it out and be like “Hey, I really want to mend our relationship. Are you interested in doing that? Because if you are not I would rather know so that we can both find peace.”
Dude, that’s not that bad. Your parents were being oversensitive adults if that can’t understand a situation wherein a teen would legitimately feel that way about their parents.
I told my dad that I’m too much like him and it makes me suicidal. I meant it when I said it. We still have a healthy relationship.
I think you’re beating yourself up too much, and your parents sound like they’re indifferent to your suffering.
Could you just say that to your mother? Just tell her what you said here. In a letter or a text just tell her you would like a better relationship with her and are looking to see if she is open to the idea. You can explain it is important to you. Be direct and ask her what you would like. Everyone communicates differently and perhaps she did not understand this as a method to improve the relationship. If she says no, perhaps she will give a reason. If not you can say okay and ask her to let you know if she ever changes her mind. Unfortunately we cannot always have the relationships we want but it is best to be direct about your needs and also boundaries. But also know that just because you want or need something doesn’t mean you will get it if you ask. I often find we do not directly ask the questions we really don’t want answered. It is possible she will say no and give no reason and that will be sad but at least you did your best to communicate with her. But perhaps it will open a door. In my own life I often didn’t directly ask for what I needed and tried to pad the questions do as not to be rude or hurtful but sometimes people can’t see what you are asking that way. When I asked directly I was often surprised by the answers in a good way. Good luck.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not waste anymore time or energy on someone who will never return the favor
Do you think she wants a relationship with you? Like it sucks beyond a doubt, but one of the hardest and most important lessons of my life has been that my ex father wants nothing to do with me. A relationship requires give and take and what you’re showing seems to be very much a display of her not wanting to spend time with you
A therapist would be very helpful in navigating your relationship with her.
Ya, I used to see one at the onset of COVID. I need to find a new one now that we’ve moved. Thanks :)
paychologytoday.com has a searchable directory of therapists
That’s an incredible resource! Thanks!
I’m sorry that your relationship is so tough. You are worthy of love and respect, and I hope things get easier.
Thanks, I really appreciate that
>we’ve been no contact with my family on and off
>why doesn’t my family want to connect with me“Going no contact” ends relationships. I’ve noticed a lot of people will defend “going no contact” as a normal and healthy relationship tool because they’ve done it, erected massive walls of pain and mistrust in core relationships, and need the support of others with similar blockades to defend the disastrous results. I’ve seen it recommended as a response to bad table manners. The problem is you’re inflicting a death on someone while refusing them permission to grieve. There is a void in their life where a person used to be, but they can’t even come to terms with that and move on because the person might come back. It is the strongest possible ultimatum. Now, boundaries are healthy, and if a relationship is giving you more pain than support, it’s your prerogative to end it; that’s what “going no contact” usually does. If someone lets you back into their life after you’ve done that, you shouldn’t assume that they’ve forgotten what it was like to live without you.
As a parent, my kids underestimate how much I just don’t know how to put one word next to another. I’ve learned to compensate with simple "I love you"s and such, but that took me awhile to figure out.
My own father and I don’t really talk, and that’s mostly because his father was an asshole to him. I’ve learned to accept that, and appreciate that my father chooses quiet instead of repeating whatever his father spewed.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together.
Have you tried being explicit? That might look like:
Hi Mom, I would like to try and improve our relationship. Are you interested in doing that with me?
I think I will do that. Maybe she’ll say yes!
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Take her on a freaking cruise? That’s your advice?
😐
If you want to reconnect with family going away to a place where neither party is at home and neither is responsible for things like food or entertainment can make it easier. OP was basically reaching out and asking if they want to do unpaid work.
Edit: im not saying the Mom was ever in the right only clarifying why a vacation is suggested.
