The person who wrote this has not met many married people. I don’t think they ever had a best friend either.
As someone who is 15 years into the situation OP described - yes it’s somewhat of an oversimplication of how it all works… but broadstokewise it’s on the money with the right partner and mindset. Whether your marriage works this way or not comes down to how fungible you both believe your partner to ultimately be and how much you dedicate to being each other’s joy.
Thinking being pessimistic in the face of romance is just “reality” means your chances of experiencing that kind of romance become mighty slim. Optimism and trust are nessisary components to making it happen but are sadly also attractive to abusers. End of the day I wish OP the very best of luck because coming home to your partner excited to see them every day for years on end really is worth the attempt.
Yep, also had a “bad” experience recently with divorce. Still not feeling back to 100%, but I know deep down that a happy, functional relationship is just around the corner. I could meet them at any point, and if we’re true partners, we’ll find a way to be happy with eachother. It’s a little tough to remain optimistic, but it’s dramatically better than giving up and being cold and pessimistic for the rest of my life!
I’m living that life and we’re not even married yet. 5 years since this June. Never been happier :)
My partner and I are on year 8? I think? Neither of us care about anniversaries or any of that stuff, so we lose track often.
We just fit. We rarely disagree, and when we disagree, we’re civil about it. There’s no yelling and screaming about who is right.
It’s genuinely co-op mode, and we pair up to get stuff done regularly, but when no co-op is required, we just keep living our lives, together.
So I put a ring on it. Planning to sign the papers next year to make it official.
Going on 11 years here. Though we sometimes disagree, but that is rare to the bliss we find in one another. And yes she is my best friend and lover.
Congratulations! It’s very much the same for us here. We do get into occasional arguments but it’s usually either very minute and unimportant things or it’s just a misunderstanding that get solved easily.
Our anniversary this year was also very low-key - I think we didn’t even gift each other anything (super noteworthy) . We used to go crazy in our first few years but we just appreciate and value our time together
I’ve long said that how you handle arguments will make or break a relationship (whether romantic or not).
The fact is, if either person gets too emotionally invested in a viewpoint, and they won’t let go of that emotion, then it’s doomed to failure. If that happens regularly or all the time, it will easily condemn the relationship.
Respecting other people viewpoint, acknowledging their viewpoint, and most importantly, exercising active listening even to things you don’t agree with, is paramount, and the foundation on which you can build a functional compromise that satisfies everyone involved.
Compromise is an important part of it, but the key factor is how you handle the difficulties. If you’re bad at brainstorming and problem solving, then arguments and breakups will happen. Most people want to be heard, so active listening, especially for someone you care deeply about, is a major part of the equation.
Very good points. Don’t have anything to add :)
Have a great day and an excellent life!
:)
Cheers mate. All the best to you t(w)oo :)
Wife doesn’t love me, least not the way I love her. Just had the talk, this post is downright brutal right now.
Yeah, I’m just gonna give you a hug right now.
Yeah. Big hug.
People never stop changing. It’s the risk of making the commitment. You’re trying to join two winding creeks together with a piece of string. When things break up, it hurts, but it’s not failure, just change.
I’m pulling for you, we’re all in this together.
I’m really sorry. I just had a friend go through the same thing and I was counseling him last night. I will say something similar to you that I did to him:
It all seems awful right now, but you will get past it. Remember that there are other people in your life who love you even if it’s platonic love. On top of that, I had a good friend who was good looking and friendly, someone people enjoyed being around. He was single for 15 years. He got married in his mid-40s to someone I can tell he will be very happy with.
There’s always time to find love, even if you’ve lost the love you’ve had before.
Now granted, I have been married for more than two decades, so feel free to tell me to fuck off with this advice.
Checking in on you
I’m doing better, thank you for the concern.
Reminder that you don’t need to be married to have this.
Famous last words
That about sums it up. 10/10 fucking love being married
To those who feel saddened by this, always remember that you can be your own best friend. Treat yourself.
It’s damn nice, ngl. And I didn’t get married until 2013 at almost 40.
It’s one of those things worth waiting for, rather than jumping into at first opportunity. Not saying I wouldn’t have preferred to have had what I have now sooner, but younger me wouldn’t have been ready anyway. I’m just saying that it isn’t something to rush for the sake of being married, it’s about being good partners, matching well, and that’s not something that’s guaranteed to happen at any given age.
Know more than a few people who lived together for years before tying the knot primarily for the economic benefit (plus throwing a big party is fun). By the time you’re really vibing with someone, marriage is almost an afterthought.
The best part is you don’t even have to be married to have this
We decided to finally play Jumanji. She had to crawl across the living room and almost broke her knee. Now she is pouting with a cool pack while I boil water to make her tea.
Being single is cool and all. But I never want to go back. I decided this to be my life.
Are you the same person you were 5 years ago? 10? 20? Do you think you’ll be the same in the future? Will your partner also be? The correct answer is no. Marriage takes work to keep working as life takes you through its ups and downs and we evolve and grow as people. Best of luck to you all!
I have been married for 24 years and it’s been a mostly happy marriage. I also do consider my wife to be my best friend. But it’s silly to think that you will come home every day and be happy about dealing with another human, no matter who they are. Sometimes I will come home or my wife will come home and I won’t want to be around her because I won’t want to be around anyone. That’s just how life is. My wife is cool with it and I’m cool with when she wants the same.
Alone time is an important resource, especially when kids.
Absolutely.
Enjoy it for me, friends. I’m just an NPC.
This is exactly my life right now, and it’s great.
Ideally yes. This is me and Mrs. Warp Core and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
However…
Well, let me put it this way. Ever have a best friend that, after spending a lot of time around, you find out that you actually can’t stand more than a few hours at time? That is absolutely a possibility here. Only now their stuff is in your house (or vice-versa), and/or they’re on the same lease.
$0.02: It may not always be advisable, but absolutely benchmark the practical aspects of your romance long before tying the knot. Long-term co-habitation is not the only route here. Consider other ways to rack up large blocks of time: getaway vacations, long weekends, or even just “play house” for a few days at a time. You’d be amazed at what horrible, terrible, filthy, obnoxious habits your partner has when “at home.” The reality is that everyone is a bit (more) of a mess in private, and the only real question you have to answer is: “what am I willing to put up with?”
My sister did this with her then boyfriend by canoeing down the Mississippi River.
I took a getaway vacation with a woman I had been dating for 3 months. We got back and haven’t corresponded since then. That was a few years ago.
I still cannot fathom how anyone thinks it is a good idea not to do these things with another person before marrying them. My wife and I were both adamant that we live together and go on trips together and do “married” things long before we made that decision. I like to think we ironed out many of the early kinks without the pressure of “we’re married so this absolutely has to work” lingering over us.
I’m a full blown mess in private or public, they know what they’re getting into before seeing me at home. I have no shame
Exactly … and a good way to do that is international budget travelling while you are still young (20-30 years of age).
It doesn’t matter what you got right now in your 20s, borrow, scrape and ask for money wherever you both can and go travel to some foreign country on the most minimal budget you guys can afford.
Stay within safety margins of course … don’t stay in deep dark corners that cost a dollar and risk your lives.
Stay on the trip for about two or three months and you will both cement your relationship if not for the long term than for life. You will go through terrible situations, unsavoury situations, disgusting events … but also see unbelievable things, beautiful images and people and cultures … and best of all you will learn to trust one another completely with money, with time, with space, with your lives. You’ll see the ugly sides of one another and you will learn what you like and dislike about one another and you will find out if you can accept all that or not.
The first five years of being with my wife, we went overseas as often as we could on the skin of our teeth … and it was scary, terrible and absolutely fun and exhilarating for both of us. We saw Asia, India, North Africa and a dozen major European cities … in the summers we got in the car and explored the Canadian west coast … then the Canadian east coast.
Part of the inspiration was an older couple that we made friends with years ago. Before they got married in 1970, they took a motorcycle to Alaska, then down to Patagonia for a year … they went through absolute hell and back and they are still together.
