Lucky for me my parents were both “I didn’t save anything for retirement, my kids will take care of me when I’m older”, so I don’t have to suffer through this.
Watched my mom work her ass off to raise me and save everything she could for retirement. She got to do some fun things, but not enough. I’m glad she had good insurance and a little money saved for when she got sick. I inherited a house with a mortgage, taxes, insurance, and repairs that are bleeding me dry and I’m pulling money out of my retirement to cover it. I’m thankful that it’s given my son a decent place to live for the last year and i hope to break even when we sell it. I’m fine with that. I didn’t earn it. I didn’t take care of her for money. If you’re only helping your family because you want money, you suck and they’re probably better off without you.
First of all, my parents have never had much if ever at all in the way of savings. Tbh not sure what’s going to happen when they aren’t going to be able to work anymore.
But I’m with you. I absolutely never understood why people ever feel like they are entitled to their parents money. Your parents earned that, not you. If my parents were never able to leave me a dime, I wouldn’t give a shit. Even if they had a million dollars. I didn’t earn that. I have no right to someone else’s money.
I would feel different in scenarios where we are talking about a minor. If a 12 year old becomes orphaned, then yes, they should 100% be entitled to their parents’ funds.
But why in the everliving fuck do people as adults feel entitled to money that is not theirs and they didn’t earn? Incredibly bizarre concept to me.
But I’m with you. I absolutely never understood why people ever feel like they are entitled to their parents money. Your parents earned that, not you.
I think the biggest implication here is that they didn’t earn it entirely. That they at least inherited something from their parents. Which would have given them a leg up and they refuse to pay it forward.
Obviously that’s not the case for everyone. For instance, my entire family was poor as far back as I am aware of. None of them had shit or got shit or were able to have a good retirement. So obviously I don’t expect anything from them.
My dad just died destitute and my mother will probably have nothing when she passes. I’m ok with that, I am my own person. People complaining about losing out on inheritance are fucking spoiled brats. “ you spent the money you worked for? Boo hoo hoo, I wanted your money though “
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Seems like completely consistent behavior, and it reflects accurately on them.
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Lol my dad left me everything he had when he died. So, I got a truck.
When my mom goes, my sister and I might get to split a house we don’t want that’s on its third or fourth refinancing.
I guess if your parents don’t have an inheritance to give you just never consider not getting one to be a problem.
In other words, the rich are eating the middle class. They will buy up all property and normal people will be permanently priced out of the market. They have no reason to sell.
The people who are cool with this going “why shouldn’t my parents enjoy what they made, why would you want anything you didn’t work for?” are sort of missing the point. The real phrasing, that they probably would agree with, is “why should I support my children and future generations, my enjoyment is more important than their survival and secured future”
If you really think that you should only get what you work for, give back every Christmas or birthday present or any gift you’ve gotten or are getting in the future immediately. Turn down any bonus you get at work. Hell start paving your own roads.
Supporting others, especially family, is a good human trait, and shouldn’t be erroded.
I don’t think rejecting Christmas gifts is on par with telling your parents not to enjoy themselves because you want their money when they die.
I’m going to spend my money and wealth as I see fit. I will not raise my children to bank on me dying before they turn 60 (realistically they’re gonna have to deal with me for a long time) so they can inherit some sum of cash.
For context, I never expected any inheritance from either parent when they died. Neither did I get anything except for a pair of gloves.
Ah, so passing on the tradition of not supporting your children, got it
Yep, that’s the plan! When they turn 12, they’re on their own. It should be fine because they’ll have to hunt and gather their own food by 2.
I’m setting up my kids for their own success. 529 plan, lessons in work ethic and social skills. I donate often, and might leave some funds behind but real support shouldn’t have to be monetary.
I grew up in the boat of not ever expecting any type of inheritance. Then my dad remarried and it is a thing, and that discussion that makes me really uncomfortable. I am in the first camp. I don’t feel any sense of ownership or entitlement to that money.
She wants to go on a fancy trip to Bali? Good for her.
New car? Awesome.
He raised me, that was his responsibility. He did a great job and that’s all I needed.
I am sure there will be something left but I’m not hedging all of my bets on it. Work bonus stays with me, though.
I’m sorry if this is worded weirdly; my dad passed away two years ago and I am still getting used to the past tense.
Haha, that was long spent before I was out of grade school.
When my grandparents passed away they left my boomer mother a fully paid off duplex…
Which she immediately reverse mortgaged to fund her retirement because she has nothing.
A house my grandmother designed, and great grandmother financed and built, where 4 generations of my family lived and literally died, will be pissed into the wind when my mother dies.
“Generation Me.”
Unless things go terribly wrong (and they might) my daughter stands to get a second house and a quarter of a million $
No offense my guy but a quarter mill and a house will probably be easily eaten up but your end of life care. Regardless I hope you have that set up in a trust for your daughter so she doesn’t have to pay taxes on it if there is something left.
“End of life care” is entirely optional. I’m not going to waste away in a hospital bed, that’s for sure.
Well in that case get a good life insurance policy and read the fine print when you’re figuring out how to “opt out” of that end of life care
I was sexually/otherwise abused by my mother for most of my life. When I brought it up to family, I was basically told to shut up about it/“go to therapy.” They spent thousands torturing me in troubled teen facilities, and provided me with nothing for college (which I paid for with multiple jobs and sex work.)
I will never own a house. I spent almost two years after my divorce to just be able to afford an apartment. My family has never valued me - I will not give them the comfort they denied when it is the end. My entire life has been a hell.
Ouch. I’m sorry to hear that. Wish I could offer you better help than, condolences and understanding from the other side of the internet.
My family tells me “write a book then I will read it” and I just keep thinking:
Assholes, maybe instead just listen to me when I tell my stories you want to ignore so badly.
They couldn’t even be bothered to spend thousands on me though and more than once in my life I have just been dropped off at street corners with hopes that I would disappear from their lives.It sucks. While I may not know you, I know similar pain and know it’s never easy. I hope you find comforts in the little things around you.
You could tell them instead of writing it to us
Jokes on you, i grew up poor and never had an expectation of shit.
Read the body of my post
Also they will spend it on expensive overpriced healthcare they voted for.
Honestly, that and retirement homes sort of exist to extract the last wealth from the dying.
What’s infuriating about this? Why the heck should I inherit something I haven’t worked for? I’ve always told my parents and grandparents that dying with an empty bank balance is the ideal way to go. Hell, preferably be in debt.
It comes from a time where your whole family lived in the same house and the kids eventually take care of their parents. In todays system where people usually dont live with their parents for very long, it doesnt really make sense anymore. People need money long before they get to the age where their parents die. Getting a bunch of money at 30, to establish a life/family, is much more useful and long term impactful than getting it at 50-60. So inheritance is a flawed idea from the start.
Exactly my thoughts too. Life’s meant to be lived. Hoarding assets to save for an uncertain future is counterproductive even in terms of economy at large, if one’s inclined to think that way.
It creates expectations that don’t seem natural, and then leads to disappointments and bitterness when life does not go as planned, as it never will.
But then again, I get wanting to make things better for your children. But at least for me, it seems less prone to pure chance and circumstance if the efforts went into building a more sustainable, inclusive and supportive country to live in. And enjoy the ride while it lasts, since your pain and suffering will reflect on your children, want it or not. If things are tight and you get stressed from that, it’s always going to affect everyone around you, often negatively. If, instead, you could relieve that stress by not saving more than you need as a buffer here and now, or for something like a house (I.e not for some abstract future that might never come, for your children who might not live that far, but are here now, with you), that’s probably going to be much better for everyone. Smiles generate smiles and it’s not a zero-sum game. Life well lived is one with smiles, not one with fragile, ephemeral value of some sort stored away with sweat and blood.
But of course if there’s already too much to use realistically, why not do that then. But that’s an entirely different discussion altogether, if we ever should have something like that.
Edit: there’s a distinction I failed to emphasis enough, between a realistic and very worthwhile buffer of saved value for unexpected situations, which everyone should of course have, and saving for no reason at all, other than just having excess that isn’t needed for anything, to maybe if one’s very lucky pass on down the line.
Saving assets and value isn’t bad. But saving it for no practical reason other than inheritance, takes that value out of circulation and makes everyone in your economy worse off. If that’s important to you. But more importantly, it often means a life less well lived, and often one full of stress, tiredness and one with less time actually spend with your family and close ones in general. Which is enormously more negative in impact than any amount of money in excess, or lack thereof, could ever have when you finally die.
Inheritance is a stepping stone to get out of poverty over generations. If the next generation can build upon it.
The family financial obligations have become obliterated in American society. It is no longer the case that parents are expected to help their adult children establish themselves in a home and it is no longer the expectation that adult children financially care for their parents.
The loss of an inheritance is part of that.
Inheritance from who? Your poor parents?
I feel like inheritance is more something that keeps the rich rich and not something that makes the poor not poor. In a sense, other people inheriting things is (a part of) what keeps poor families poor.
This apparently is a hard pill to swallow for some. They can’t wrap there head around having to work hard to eventually relax and enjoy life.
This is a very salty topic. It seems many are pining for their inheritances.
I agree with OP. I have zero material expectations of my parents. But, I do expect they return that grace and don’t use the past or possibility of inheritance to manipulate me. I’m very wary of codependence.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to pass the product of your entire life to your offspring, surely. We can’t be so atomised. Where do you think it should go? Inheriting an empire is one thing, but why shouldn’t you be able to give your own house to your child? I say this as somebody disowned by their father.
My criticism isn’t aimed at parents who want to leave an inheritance to their kids. It’s directed at those kids who expect it from their parents, as if they’re somehow entitled to it.
I’m genuinely not sure what the ethical position is. Maybe they are. Having watched a generation squander the massive wealth gains of what will likely be a unique economic boom, I don’t necessarily think the consumption of that wealth in the name of “living” - often a euphemism for hedonism - is something to be celebrated.
My dad - who was an amazingly racist conspiracy theorist - gave all his money to 2 redhead women he started fucking after divorcing the woman he married after my mom died.
He chose not to leave me anything because I called him out for using the “n” word any time he talked about African Americans.
I’m out $150k
He is out having a legacy. My kids will never know his name, story, or hate.
*without
Edit: This comment was intended as a sarcastic way to say “Your father’s awful parenting failed to turn you into an awful person”, but it was both phrased poorly and in the event based on false assumptions. Read the replies. I’m leaving it up for context.
Well, at least he fathered a decent kid, it seems. I don’t think it was his intention for you to turn out so decent, so I wouldn’t give him credit for that, but I guess he did something right despite all his efforts.
He didn’t, though.
Foster Care, then they adopted me.
Uhhhh at least… they…
nah, I got nothing. I can’t even muster a sarcastic backhanded defense for poor foster parents. Fuck that guy, and I’m glad you turned out well despite him.
You’re a good person. I don’t normally share, but I feel I should.
I was put in foster care when I was 6/7 (I don’t remember well).
When I was 12, after 7 foster homes, my parents lost all parental rights. I was put up for adoption.
At that time, I was still with one of my brothers in a foster home.
We were told a couple was interested in us. We meet them a number of times, and had a few weekends at their place to test run it. They weren’t great, but they weren’t worse than other foster homes, so we decided to give it a try.
My brother lasted about 9 months before asking to go back to foster care. I decided to stay, because I was tired of moving.
I was adopted at 14, and moved out on my own at 17. I was tired of being reminded I was broken in some ways.
Fast forward to me being 21 and in the navy. We start talking again. By then I was beginning to learn what I now consider my personal morals. He was still racist. I wasn’t.
Fast forward to a few years ago. He’s still wildly racist. More so than before. I am now a very liberal person, advocating for homeless rights foster youth assistance, LGBTQIA+ rights, and equality all around. I have finally had enough. I call his bullshit out. About 2 years passes, and his 14th heart attack takes him.
That was 2 years ago. My oldest is 24. My next oldest is 18. They never met him. I just couldn’t bring myself to introduce them to the old school hate.
I was tired of being reminded I was broken in some ways.
I grew up strongly religious. There’s only so much “You’re a dirty sinner and all your suffering is God’s plan” you can take. I think I know how you feel.
his 14th heart attack
Damn, even Death really didn’t want him, huh?
They never met him. I just couldn’t bring myself to introduce them to the old school hate.
I think that’s the right choice. I wish the best for ypu and yours.
No this reasoning is flawed and used as an excuse for bad behavior. My father justified his alcoholism to himself by pointing out how independent all the kids turned out since he was useless, or how good we were with money because we could sense a scam from a young age as he was always trying to scam/manipulate us.
You can teach someone to cross the road by explaining the dangers and process to them, or you can teach them by driving enough cars into them that they either figure it out themselves (and carry the scars forever) or die. That doesn’t make you a good teacher
I think you missed the “despite all his efforts” - I’m trying to make a backhanded defense, along the lines of “You were a shit parent, but hey, your kid was alright, so I guess you failed”, but I phrased it awkwardly.
I very much know your position though. Someone close to me had a similar issue with their parent, who forced them to become self-reliant since the parent in question was neglectful at best.
No, some people just raise up to the task.
I hate this idea that parents “did something good” if they are pieces of shit but their kids turn out good. Especially if there is no evidence of it. Why people feel the need to do that is a mystery for me, like protecting the bad guy at any cost.
Oh no, I’m not saying he did good. I’m saying he failed to do bad.
Sorry you got caught in the crossfire, but you did say, out of the blue:
I guess he did something right…
Right = correct. Not necessarily “good.”
It is the “correct” thing to obey the law, but since not all laws are good laws, obeying the law isn’t always “good.”
You’re missing the point.
Yeah, you’re right, the phrasing was awkward - the “despite his best efforts” was an attempt to subvert that sentence, but I guess it didn’t land.
No problem, I was probably nitpicking too.
It’s a valid thing to point out, important even to add context and nuance. I can’t know whether my point gets across right unless someone tells me, and I’d rather have someone point out where I could be misunderstood.
Have a nice week!
Congratulations on being a decent person even though your role model was not. It’s hard to break that cycle.
Congrats I guess? You sound hateful and bitter as fuck
Nah.
Not sure why you’d say that, but you can think what you want.
Happy holidays!
My parents worked hard all their lives and have had very little to show for it. As much as I didn’t realise it at the time, I never really wanted for anything, but I’m sure my parents skipped meals on occasion.
Now they’re retired they have a bit of money from state pension and superannuation funds, as well as a bit my mum inherited from her parents. It’s still not a lot, but they’re able to live in the comparative luxury they always deserved.
A couple of year back they splurged and took a trip to the UK, which had been on their bucket lists since before I was born. They seemed to feel like they had to explain why they were spending the money, and I reassured them that it was their money, not mine.
My wife and I are in good, stable jobs and we don’t need their cash. Let them enjoy themselves while they still can.
I think pretty much everyone agrees with your take here. People are just saying that if kids are struggling and parents can afford it, it’s weird for the parents not to help out financially.
Obviously the circumstances matter and if the kid is struggling because they’re lazy or a drug addict you don’t want to enable that but if they have their own kids and are working full time I would always support my kids financially if they needed that and I was able to.
if the kid is struggling because they’re lazy
We’re talking about 40 year olds.
And what a convenient excuse to call anyone struggling lazy. So many lazy people with full time jobs that don’t pay enough to pay boomers their inflated rents. Must be drugs.
I’m not saying all people who struggle are lazy. Quite the opposite.
Obviously the circumstances matter and if the kid is struggling because they’re lazy or a drug addict
Trying to explain to a guy with chronic back pain that the relief he’s seeking is self-indulgent and the time he’s spending plotting the death of a CEO could be better spent building a new kind of online gambling website.
I’ll certainly be out of this world long before I ever stopped to think about my retirement. That’s my retirement plan.
