I’ll add to the trauma dump I suppose
Got married in August 2018, the beginning of the next month my dad died of cancer. Obviously I was mourning him and was in a shitty place, my then wife took that as me not being active enough in our relationship and decided to start cheating on me with multiple guys. Once I found out and called her out on it, and also subsequently kicked her out all of a sudden I was the bad guy. I can’t even imagine the mental gymnastics she was hopping through to think that was justified.
Anyway I’ve moved across the country since then and have met who I believe is my soulmate, and things are amazing with her. Just had to go through sewers to find my green pasture I suppose
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I’m still really broken about the miscarriage a few years back and most of the response I’ve gotten from others has been in the form of violence.
That’s a rough place. You don’t want to bring it up to often, nor allow any situation make them feel as if your sadness or grieving is due to them at all. Been through a situation like that, not fun. You want to be a rock, but also human, while not allowing that humanity… which is part of the problem.
You deserve better people around you!
Seriously wtf, where in the world??
Nebraska
Ah… somehow that makes sense. Condolences 😂🤙
This comment section is giving me the impression a lot of Americans are just vile people.
gestures broadly to the flaming hellscape
Ya think?
I mean, duh? There’s enough vile Americans that Trump was democratically elected twice after being known as an out and proud child molestor and rapist.
That doesn’t mean the patriarchy hasn’t caused issues for other parts of the world though, just that America can be viewed as its end goal.
You have no idea. Empathy is seen as a weakness. Especially the more power you have in a career.
You get an upvote for that. My hometown is a terrible place l.
Yeah, it’s hard. We had a miscarriage a few years before our kid, and nobody really gave a shit about the effect it had. Hell, my fuckstick boss made me take (bullshit noise) after hours alerts from the fucking hospital room.
One of the many times I’ve used malicious compliance to change policies.
I’m so sorry. My wife and I are trying to conceive and after two years of trying we got a positive. Then another a few days later. We were aware that we shouldn’t get our hopes up, but despite that how can you not? We were so excited.
Then the spotting started. Then another test still showed positive but it was so faint. It turned into desperately trying to bargain with the universe and convince ourselves that these signs didn’t point to the obvious. But the obgyn confirmed it a few days later.
For us it was only ~2 weeks after the first positive, and I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to lose it later on. I’m still devastated. We’re still trying, but I’m not sure how much fear is going to be mixed in if we manage to get another positive.
That sucks. A miscarriage is basically losing a baby, if you’ve been thinking about it like one. I still think about life with the son that my wife and I lost in a miscarriage.
I don’t have any tattoos, but if I ever got one it would be 4 small circles. Three would be filled in and one would be just an outline. It’s not much, but as a father of four pregnancies but three kids it would be a small little reminder just for me. My logic has always been if I’m going to be marked on the outside, it should reflect how I’m marked on the inside.
Four years later it still stings. I wish you peace; I wish I could say talking about it with other people has helped, but I can’t.
I’m so sorry for all those commenters having sad stories and being told to “man up”. That’s very sad
I might be wrong but I have a feeling that it is a very US influenced problem (so now a very English speaking country problem). Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m influenced because it is Internet and there’s plenty of Americans and everything is written in English.
Being born in a French speaking culture, I don’t feel that way. My friends don’t, my non French speaking friends don’t as well. Most men of my generation (millennial) that I have met could express emotions without much problems, and women would not react badly to it, but maybe I’m just lucky.
Of course, there’s always some shitty people, some overly manly jerks or non caring women, but I would say that they represent less than 15% of the population I’ve met in my life (data source: My ass).
So, am I wrong ? Am I influenced by Internet ? How is it for German/Spanish/Portuguese/Italian/Japanese/Whatever cultures ?
And if I’m right, well that sucks. How can we help ?
I guess I’ll share too.
Although I don’t actually cry that often, and will still tend to shut my self off and wallow when I start to feel down; which is something that happens intermittently several times a year where I just feel hopeless, unhappy, lacking purpose, and not really wanting to do life.
So when I’m in these moods my friends have realised the signs, mainly me being hard to reach and absent from gatherings etc. they will all reach out and make me leave the house and have a talk about how I’m feeling, have some hugs, and then just go to roasting each other. This helps massively as isolating makes me worse so being around friends and just being in the moment is a really good antidote for me.
I guess my point is that the men around me are a bit more accepting of mental health issues. It’s not like they’re all hipster kind of mates. I am unusual in that I’m a nerdy software developer that is also very street wise and has mates that are completely the opposite. Most are trades people, a few sell drugs, are handy with their hands etc. basically my friends are chavs, but they’re accepting and not what you would think.
Edit: I should add that we all range from 30-40 years old.
I have been dumped for not expressing emotion, and crying, due to tragic things happening.
When they ask about express more emotions they mean positive emotions about them. So don’t be bother by it. If you express the “wrong” emotions you will be dumped too.
No, they were put off because I didn’t cry over the situation, or really demonstration and strong signs of despair.
This whole thread needs to listen to Samaritans by Idles.
This whole comment needs to explain why if you expect a real response other than downvotes.
Super socially awkward and anxious in middle school and high school and was also bullied a ton. Girls would ask me out as a joke, and there’s no good response. If you say yes you’re a dumbass for thinking they’re actually interested in you, if you say no you’re gay and should kill yourself. Combined with being an impressionable teen with incredibly negative self esteem on reddit at a time where something along the lines of all men are rapists was a common sentiment, it really honestly fucked me up. I still am not comfortable with romance and intimacy with women to be honest.
I lost my little brother last year and I would say I already wasn’t a very “manly” man before that but that put things into a new perspective. It was a horrible time but also one that showed me that I chose my friends and family very wisely.
Pretty sad comment section, hope y’all get through it.
A bit related to this, so many times throughout my life when I’ve mentioned I’d like to be friends with, take up lost contact with or just mention a woman has a currently present woman reacted like “you know she has a boyfriend, right?”, “I don’t think you’re her type” etc.
It makes sense that so many men have very few or no female friends, because they experience exactly that. It’s like many women have decided that all men are incapable of being friendly with women without it being about sex or more than friends. We get scared of trying because it’ll just be misinterpreted as wanting to fuck them.
I’ve always had a lot of friends who are women, but the ones who were in my “league” or higher almost all eventually asked why I never hit on them, or blatantly hit on me. It was a weird mix of them being upset I hadn’t like it was a judgement on their attractiveness, and being frustrated because they thought it was an eventuality and were tired of waiting.
But, humans are pattern recognition machines, we don’t even realize we’re doing it most of the time.
Especially for a very attractive woman in her 20s, if a guy is interacting with her, it’s likely because they want sex.
So you can’t fault them for the assumption, but then when they run into a guy that legit is cool just being platonic friends, they tend to pursue a relationship because they see that as a desirable trait. Even just for a FWB thing, you’ve shown that you’re “safe” and it can become a conquest thing as well because they’re not used to the rejection of not being pursued and want the ego boost of changing your mind.
There’s just an absolute shit ton going on, so it’s hard to judge anyone because their life experiences are why they hold their current beliefs.
As a trans woman who came out the other side… well there’s no modest way to put it- pretty damn attractive I’m told, I never understood why women just assume guys are hitting on them until I lived it.
I don’t even do it on purpose. It’s just that the vast, vast majority of the time, guys are trying to hit on me, and my brain has connected the “guy talking to me” neuron and the “guy hitting on me” neuron so tightly that it doesn’t even occur to me that they might not be unless they prove it through extended interactions, usually over years, of never showing any interest.
And yeah, I’ve definitely fallen for people largely because they simply hadn’t shown any signs of being into me. You’re right that there is an immense sense of safety in knowing they’ve never tried to get in my pants. Unfortunately, that also means, 99% of the time, that they’re gonna say no if I ask them out (I generally prefer to make the first move because it feels safer.)For the sake of example and because it’s relevant to the thread, I asked a dude out who’d shown no interest, and it turned out he was actually attracted to me, but wasn’t interested because he’d been heavily abused in a past relationship and he wasn’t ever willing to give it another shot.
And on that subject, having life experience as both a man and a woman really does open your mind to how differently abuse is treated between men and women. I was heavily abused as a kid, both by men and women, and telling the story before I transitioned, people always desperately searched for a reason it was my fault (even though I was a kid at the time it happened) and when they couldn’t find one, spouted lines like “at least you’re stronger for it.”
As a woman, people, not having knowledge that I wasn’t always a woman, immediately recognize how horrible my abuse was, zero attempts to justify it, and hell, even direct me to support groups (albiet I’ve attended said groups before and they’re fucking useless trauma feedback circles in my experience.)Well, that turned into a half irrelevant rant, but it’s nice to have some of that off my chest.
With your last comment there, you’re like 1 step away from “nobody can ever be blamed for their actions because they are all just meat and chemical automatons on a deterministic path”. I mean, we are. But society can’t work that way.
Nope, not even a little bit.
I thought people gave up on “slippery slope” when after gay marriage happened cats didn’t start marrying dogs…
What made you pick up that logical fallacy so long after even the dumbest have given it up?
Did you stick with it the whole time, or are you trying to bring it back now?
You literally said its hard to judge anyone. I said that’s one step away from impossible to judge anyone, and life can’t work that way. Where is the fallacy?
Also, you need therapy.
Oh yeah, gender relations are a mess. The belief of not being able to be friends with genders you’re attracted to is bullshit, and I’m really tired of it. It’s cost me some relationships to the point where I had to make that a rule.
I’m not attracted to everyone, and beyond that, I have a healthy respect for boundaries. Their boundaries and my boundaries.
One note, maybe quit mentioning you’d like to be friends with them and just be friends with them? Mentioning “I’d like to be friends with…” to other people is coded as “Hook me up with…”.
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I went through the worst depression of my life around 2017, tried to express these feelings to my gf at the time and explain why our romance was failing or why I spent half the day in bed.
Basically got told “poor you”, everyone has struggles, snap out of it and be a man. That definitely helped, and didn’t push me even deeper into feelings of worthlessness…
I’m doing ok now, but it was the first time I felt comfortable enough with someone to express those emotions, I was at my wits end. The response was eye opening, never again.
A given group of people are not a monolith. While we do share a lot of similarities, we also all have the potential to be a little different from one another.
I hope you get a chance to find someone that will allow you to be open like that again. Sharing those emotions and having someone their to empathetically receive them is one of the most gratifying things as a human.
Im sorry that happened, but never again what?
Like, “never again open up about a huge important part of my life to”
a) anyone, or b) someone you don’t know too long
Because only b) is healthy. I don’t think trying to mask your depression can work in a serious relationship.
I simply don’t express negative or ‘tough’ emotions around anyone. I didn’t really before either - but after that incident I’ve stuck to sweating it out, or cry into a pillow or something…
Not saying it’s healthy, but she is one of the most empathic people I’ve known, we were together for years - that’s partly the reason I even brought it up to her. Thought she’d understand. To be clear I’m not mad at her, she was candid and said what she believed. Just if she couldn’t find that level of compassion or support I really don’t expect anyone else to either.
Instead of saying to yourself “never again”, how about “never again with someone who will betray my vulnerability”? Because what happened to you sounds really horrible, but there are people out there who will be with you in your struggles and nurture and build you up in your vulnerable moments.
As a man someone who also struggles with vulnerability, there are ways to test the waters in a relationship (family, friend, partner, etc) when it comes to vulnerability so that you won’t be hurt like that again. I actually watched this video recently and found it really helpful: https://youtu.be/WyKFHd7cSaU?si=J8zSMvZt_7WouQb7
Of course, none of this is easy, but it can be life-changing to open up to someone and feel cared for. I’m glad you’re doing better, and I wish you the best.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 12 years now and I am lucky that I found someone that was supporting of my issues since pretty much day one.
In the last year, after many years of therapy, I was able to finally be totally vulnerable to my partner even if she always was supportive, not holding anything back, and it was liberating and almost addictive for a while.
The feeling is indescribable and one of the best feeling of my life.
When I got home after being away for a few months my mom said I got a little fatter. Told her the same thing, and she told me I can’t say such things…
Fuck, i can’t even cry when I need to.
Then it will come at the worst possible time.
I was watching Arcane on Netflix with wife and her family a couple nights ago. The very beginning, where it deals with loss of family, I just immediately lost it, like I had been shot. I don’t even remember what the show was like, I just cried with my face buried in my hands the whole episode. Totally came out of nowhere, I was fine a moment before.
The room was dark, so nobody saw but my chest was heaving and I couldn’t even try to move to excuse myself because I knew I was about to let out a loud screaming sob. I sat there for a full hour hyperventilating, worried someone was going to turn on a light or hear my breathing.
I have spent a lifetime being “the guy who takes care of everything” and the stoic fighter, always the one encouraging others. I couldn’t deal with the fallout of freaking out everyone, they already know I have anxiety disorder and really, really don’t understand mental health, so if I started acting erratic everyone in the family will start walking on eggshells around me.
So to those browsing down here: “Why do men keep everything inside?”
Because of how you react when we don’t. Your ideas of what it looks like to express emotion as a male is not connected to reality.
I’m sorry the people closest to you struggle to give you the space you need when things get overwhelming. Life isn’t made to be easy, and you’ve worked hard for a long time. I hope you get some time for whatever you feel like now that the holidays are over.
I wish I could give you a hug. My husband is similar, he struggles with emotions and has always been “the calm rock.” Everyone compliments him on his patience and temper, he is an extremely chill person to be around. Because of this, he struggles heavily with any time he does not fulfill that role. His self worth is tied to how much he can fix or do for others and in a non-bothersome way. We’ve been together for about 10 years and he’s gotten more comfortable expressing his emotions but still feels immense shame when he cries or breaks down. Your last sentence is such a good point I’ve never really thought about. I should start paying more attention to how he needs and wants to express those emotions earlier. He’s bottled and masked for so long I don’t think he’s ever been able to give different forms of expression a chance.
Yupp, have the same general problem. Although maybe not fitting to the stereotype of men and masculinity, I am also basically incapable of getting angry. The only responses I have to stress are shutdown and fawning, I think it (partially) stems from a combination of mostly absent father and an overwhelmed mother with a lot of unresolved mental health issues, that sadly wasn’t able to properly handle children being normal children, lots of essentialist sentences about me being horrible still floating in my head from that childhood.
What helps me with anger is aggressive-depressive music. While that channels it just as a primal feeling, it’s also a good stimming time. Crying is harder, though, although I had moments - some years back I was able to cry for over an hour while with my best friend, that really was a watershed moment in my life, but it unfortunately did not just make the underlying problems and blockade go away.
Other things that sometimes manage to tease anger and tears out of me is watching some true crime shit, or stuff like holocaust documentaries. Getting angry and disturbed for someone else comes a lot easier for me, but even there, the wall is high to climb.
I know how that feels, and I know a few more people of any gender who have been made that way.
I eventually gained it back, but it sometimes I still feel like I’m close to tears yet can’t go there. Feels like a sneeze that doesn’t come except more emotional.
That’s one of the reasons why I love stories that make me cry. It’s literally the only place where I’m able to do it and allows me to release some of the stress that way.
Have you tried old school country music?
Some of the modern stuff, but mostly stuff from 20-30 years ago that’s just sad as fuck.
Just get in your own head and start thinking of past regrets and people who are gone.
Like, “having a good cry” honestly helps, so it’s worth putting the work in to “learn” to cry. It’s flushing out hormones and neurotransmitters, and can lower cortisol which has a whole bunch of benefits.
So maybe not country, but find some music that makes you emotional and start a straight up “crying playlist” to get you in that headspace. It’ll get easier overtime
Cried over my dog dying at school once. Made me a target for physical violence for about 6 months after that. Vulnerability is for people you trust.
Vulnerability is for people you trust.
And this is what needs to change. In order to trust someone, a level of vulnerability is required. We must demand that expression of emotion is not seen as vulnerability, but as a human need.
