If making friends in our teens and 20s was so easy then we wouldn’t need to make more friends in our 30s.
Making friends isn’t the hard part. Maintaining the friendship is. It’s a lot of effort and often involves doing more work than the other party, especially if they have a busier life. But it also involves a lot of failures, as plenty of them just aren’t meant to be. I look more at the effort others put back into the relationship than how much I like them, as the former is a much better indicator of the potentials.
I beg to differ. Especially when you have career growth and it becomes inappropriate to be friends with most of your peers. Add in the lack of kids (common in the 30’s) it’shard to find common ground. At least my wife and dog are my best friends…
I see. Fortunately, friendship at the jobs I’ve had never proved to be an issue. I guess because my work is highly collaborative, this is often a natural outcome.
I’m thankful for having the luxury to choose my workplaces and I would never pick a place that expects me to leave my life at the door. Of course though, I respect my colleagues who wish to do so but I have found that very few of them wish for a strictly professional relationship.
This. Your peers in their 30s are generally easy to talk to and you can become friends in some terms quite easily but then finding time to just hang out or go somewhere seems to be so very hard. It helps me a lot to have some regular hobbies to have at least something going on socially.
Early 30s here. Will any chalk do for the invocation?
Typically needs to be magically-infused calcite chalk for that traditional feeling that your new demon friend will appreciate and respect you for. If you can’t infuse the chalk yourself, store bought is fine but you might end up with unexpected results based on the source.
Death metal doesn’t help…but it’s still awesome.
I go for dulcimer stuff myself
You have to go where people are to make friends.
Join an amateur billiards team(you don’t have to be good. Most teams actually need lower skilled players in APA).
Go to local shows/concerts/events/street fairs/farmers markets
Elevate a work friend or an acquaintance to a real friend by inviting them out to something you’ve both talked about.
Ya it’s hard but start with looking at your local communities, participate, etc.
I’m going through this now in a city known for being notoriously difficult to make friends in (Seattle) and can confirm that it sucks.
Meeh, not really impossible, but damn hard, that’s for sure.
I’m in my late 30s, and I have found that making friends is different, but not necessarily harder. If you’re still thinking back to high school/college days where you had “the boys” or “the girls,” that’s just not realistic. People have jobs, hopefully careers, spouses, kids. If your primary focus is on exclusive friend time in your 30s, that is very difficult to find. Most people have more than just friends going on in their lives–unlike in high school and college, where people typically had friends going on and lives that wrapped around it.
I’m fairly affable and outgoing, which helps, but I enjoy making friends with people that aren’t. It’s easier, and the best friends I’ve made over the last few years are people that aren’t very outgoing, but they like being around and hanging out with an outgoing person. But that does mean that I’m usually the one to strike up conversation, ask for a number, drag them out when I’ve got free time, etc. To be honest, many of these friends don’t necessarily make it easy to socialize with them, because it takes them out of their comfort zone. I’m aware of that, so I don’t mind the extra prodding and encouragement that it takes, but I think if you’re more like that, the best thing you can do is just try to decrease the amount of drag you add to trying to be friends (even though you might be unaware that you’re adding that “drag”). Often people will just be like “ok. They don’t want to hang,” and they’ll move on. I just grew up with friends that were always kind of like that, so I just know they tend to need a little more love and encouragement.
Beyond that, just prioritize friendship maintenance. Text people periodically, see how they’re doing, etc. Friends are like plants: when they’re new, they require a lot of watering and maintenance, once they’re established, they require less. But you can’t expect a new plant to take well to the treatment of an established plant with deep roots. You’ve gotta nurture it.
Learned this lesson as well as I’m approaching 30. Friendship just won’t automatically happen anymore. It requires your effort and also your friends effort. If you don’t maintain it, it will eventually die down because people are busy and move on with their life.
It will automatically happen if you have shared social space. However that shared social space isn’t automatic like it was when we were kids in school. In school we had a little community and we were there every day. In adult life all we automatically have like that is the workplace. (And of course people are pushing for more and more remote because who needs mental health)
So yeah. The most valuable effort isn’t so much to reach out and try to spark friendship, but to get off your butt and go to that weekly game night.
I will say that when I joined a league soccer team I had instant friends. Sports are amazing for that.
I’m just happy to have someone to meet online once every few weeks and play a game with, maybe to the pub once every two or three months for a pint or two.
You sound lovely. 😊
Aww…thanks! 😁
I’m often worried that I’m coming across too needy or bothersome whenever I’m reaching out, especially since people have much more going on in their lives than just friendships. Yeah it’s difficult as adults ☹️
Me too!
Well, when you reach out, are you in need of something? Sometimes it’s just and being like, “what up, fool,” or sending a meme that reminds of them or whatever. If you’re only ever reaching out because ultimately you want attention, time, etc, maybe that comes off as needy (though I think that’s ok too!), but sometimes reaching out is just, like, “hey, thought of you, I don’t need anything!”
I’m in my early 40s and joined a women’s only gym and have made lots of new acquaintances, one actual new friend, and a couple more in the works.
The advice to join a club or get involved in a group hobby has never really worked for me before, but I guess it’s not completely impossible.
The key thing in forming friendships is to encounter the person by accident. Making plans each time kills the bonding magic; you have to bump into them.
This is why regular presence in a social space is key. You need to have people you encounter without having specifically planned to see them.
I don’t know why this is, but it’s true.
If you want to meet people and make friends, you have to join a group first. It’s awful. It’s stressful. But you have to join a group of some kind. That’s where IRL people are.
Hello, it’s me, your fellow group mate
I mean, it’s how I made friends when I was a child. I suppose the time crunch is what makes it seem impossible.
What about 40’s?
People over 40 are not allowed on the internet. They can’t tell us.
Oh. I’ll be off then.😔
It’s what you would say if you were over 40! Haha 😅 Right? They’re just joking, officers, don’t worry! 😁🤐
Tell me about it. Wait until you are in your mid fourtiesb nd you feel like a creep trying to interact with people around you… That’s why we have Internet communities! *Cries in front of the phone screen
I feel that. Trying to make friends online and realizing everyone on the other side is typicallu in their 20s, and while you can enjoy the same things, it’s hard to relate to each other. We’re just not in the same place in life. Joined a discord called “Old Folks” and it’s still people aged 20-30.
Yeah, it’s like Milfs who are actually 35 yo…
I spent my time with my family at home until I was around 40. I was fine with that. I started getting into cycling and joined a club. Easily a great way to find friends.
Like anything in life you have to help yourself to fix your unhappyness.
I’m not in my 30’ and it’s hard/impossible to find friends. So, in my 30’ it will be impossible. Gosh.
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Sooner or later either they stop responding to my summoning or I stop summoning them thinking I’m bothering them too much …
^read
I feel this as well. If I don’t initiate anything, the friendship will die down since everyone else is “silent” and busy with their life. If I ask too much, I fear that I’m needy and might bother others.
For real. And then there is also the classic ‘their lives are probably a bit better without my crappy presence in it, so it’s only moral to leave them alone’.
This is one reason why my men’s group is so great. The leader is a good cheerleader, like a mom. I express something like this and he’s like “I like you. I get value from knowing you. Where do you think this idea came from that you’re a burden?” and then we dig into it and it actually works. I’ve had so many mind blowing shifts in how my mind feels to be in, and how that changes my thoughts. I feel way less like an intrusion than I did before.
