It doesn’t matter 'cause it would be a miracle if he brought a lady home.
Because while Jesus was prayin’
Fuckin’ Craig was layin’
Every lady in the testament
You know what I’m sayin’
HES FUCKING CRAIG
craig christ
I wouldn’t die for your sins, like my famous kin,
but if you got a little sister then there’s room at this inn!
I’m not my brother, I know
Don’t walk on H2O
But I got hydroponic shit that me and Judas grow
As the WORD of God he’s the source of Proverbs and Song of Solomon so…
Her: Dark am I, yet lovely, because I am darkened by the sun - Song of Solomon 1
so… tanned
works with eager hands… her arms are strong for her tasks - Proverbs 31
… toned forearms …
Her: Like an apple[c] tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste - Song of Solomon 2
… not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital fellatio …
Her: strengthen me with raisins
… … … nutrition aware(?) …
Her: I am … a lily of the valley … My beloved … browses among the lilies
… not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital cunnilingus … (see also 4:16)
Him: Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. 3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely - Song of Solomon 4
… mysterious eyes … flowing hair … no missing teeth (lol) … red lips …
Him: Your breasts are like two fawns
… young(?), pert, nimble breasts …
Him: You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water
… looks at camera …
Her: Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere
… … my bro was definitely into some sensory stuff …
Her: My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. - Song of Solomon 5
(authors of erotic lit take note, this is your lord and god speaking)
Him: I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. - Song of Solomon 6
… so … pubescent? hey, could be worse …
Him: Your graceful legs are like jewels - Song of Solomon 7
… legs guy! …
Him: Your breasts are like two fawns
… breasts again! …
Him: your breasts like clusters of fruit
… breasts mention number 3 …
Him: May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine
… #4 …
breasts … like towers - Song of Solomon 8
… #5 …
I think you can draw your own conclusions.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk
By my very fundamentalist upbringing, this was all supposedly a metaphor for God’s love of the nation of Israel. Which is exactly the sort of “reading between the lines” that they said you weren’t supposed to do.
It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.
no missing teeth (lol)
More remarkable than you think without modern dental care.
It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.
hans landa: that’s a bingo
also, not even necessarily horny, just far far less prudish, all the sensory stuff associated with sex was just far more normal
I’m 51 and haven’t had any dental care as an adult. I still have all of my teeth, and no pain etc. They could use a cleaning but a lot is genetics and diet. Not all of my genetics are great though, I’ve had autoimmune issues since I was a kid.
You probably grew up brushing your teeth with modern toothpaste, and had fluoride in the water.
This isn’t universally true, even today, in the United States. So says the diner in Indianapolis I went to where almost all the staff were missing teeth.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.
Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.
Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.
Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.
This is probably the imagery… (except dark mountain goats)
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.
Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?
More likely good health and youth to be honest, elsewhere he says her breath smells of apples (in a good way lol)…
Well, in those times they didn’t really have dentists, so having all one’s pearly whites in a adulthood was not common.
I want to commend you for some sort of prize. I can’t upvote twice but I would if I could. Nice!
p.s
I’m going to take a risk and say the comparison to fawns implies not very big breast but well defined and not very much parted.
Long hair, glamorous face, skinny ripped body? Jesus was a twink.
Not Korean Jesus. He’s swole af. Turns water into pre-workout.
I’m pretty sure Paul had the celibacy fetish and introduced the sex=bad element to the dogma. Some scholars even suggest that was his thing since the other gods were sex positive. (At least toward men getting laid.)
Post biblcal Christianity was informed, in part, by Hellenic philosophical traditions, which were apollonian in nature. Women’s sexuality was on the dionysian side.
It’s a tough question, to be sure. I mean, we can look through the book for hints about it here and there, but I think the best way is to look at the followers who are closest to him. That said… Pedophile. Jesus was definitely a pedophile.
I’m not criticizing your conclusion, I just want to know how you got there xD
Priests fucking altar boys
Yeah, people suck.
Boobs? Ass? Ew. He was clearly a dong man. That whole bit about parting the sea? He actually just whipped out his gigantic cock and created a bridge with it.
I thought “parting the Sea” was a euphemism for spreading some bussy?
Pretty sure that was a different guy. Both had giant dongs they could part water with, but the Red Sea was definitely Moses.
He loves them both, since non should be excluded.
TIL ace people aren’t “fully human”
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Unless they’re clergy
They’re cyborgs.
Arguably better
I don’t deny that christ was fully human only that as a human one can’t fully make such a distinction.
Well there are several stories in the Bible about Jesus riding an ass, but none about Jesus riding boobs. So I think it’s safe to say Jesus was an ass man.
This logic is sound. Concur.
Granted, you’d have to find some way to harness together quite a few boobies in order for them to be able to pull anything much, since they’re not huge birds. But if you get enough of them, maybe you could fly.
Are we taking about an African or European booby?
It’s a simple matter of weight ratios.
Well, Christ came riding upon an ass, so I think this is an easy question to answer
This post comes up every so often, and every time either I, or someone else, reminds people that one of the Bible’s biggest stories is that of Jesus washing Mary Magdalene’s feet. Mary Magdalene was a “street walker” at the time, which is old times speak for hooker, thus making him a feet guy
There’s nothing that points to Mary Magdalene being a prostitute. She’s conflated with another character who was, but they aren’t directly connected in the text.
Agreed he had an obsession with washing peoples feet. As I see it, as an evolved and enlightened human he was probably a pan sexual with a feet washing fetish
There are claims that the translation of the bible is wrong on this though.
In short, feet might mean genitalia. I really have no opinion on it, but it makes a lot of sense. The purpose of even describing the submissive act of washing feet aligns well with the old Greek teacher and pupil relationships to present Jesus as a stand up guy who will go down on anybody, men or women, regardless of their status. He took your sins and such.
The message is the same anyway, so I suppose it has been whitewashed a bit throughout the years.
The reason why I want to believe it is that it would also explain why he was so popular that contemporary writers would bother writing anything about him.
He didn’t really break it down much, did he? Basically just spent 4 minutes saying that people who study the bible don’t agree on it.
Unless I linked the wrong breakdown, he goes into examples in the Bible of when feet are euphemistically, and compares those to the descriptions of Jesus washing feet - that they had dissimilar language and don’t match. I don’t think you can gloss what he said as “people who study the Bible don’t agree on it” - he’s an academic, and academics couch their language. I thought it was clear that he was mildly entertaining the idea more out of amusement and to give some context as an educator.
Like, so ridiculous a suggestion that you would need substantial evidence for it be reasonable. The symbolism behind the act of service seems fairly clear - washing feet is placing yourself in submission to someone. Aligns with more explicit textual things: “turn the other cheek” etc.
I was just hoping he’d explain more about the actual words and their translations.
This sounds heretic as fuck so I’m gonna roll with it
You gotta be careful though, because the Bible basically called every woman that is featured in it a whore. A lot of this is actually more modern translation stuff, clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description
clerics when they see a woman:
clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description
Holy shit they were based in 500 AD?
He washed all the disciples feet ;)
Maybe it was like a Tarentino thing. You work with this guy for years and feet keep coming up so one day you ask him and he’s like “yeah ok, I’ve got a foot thing but it’s a personal thing” and you leave it at that but then you remember at the start of your career doing foot photos with him and you’re too embarrassed to ask but you always wonder…
No, washing feet was a common thing - they wore sandals or walked barefoot most of the time, it was a common hygiene practice. It was just a task for “submissive”-classed people - the wife would wash the husband’s feet, and so on.
Jesus was subverting social norms in multiple ways.
So what you’re saying is… Jesus was a bottom.
Service sub
Jesus seemed like a great dude. Shame that none of his followers pay attention to the lessons he taught.
I know I just thought it was funny
jesus is an ass man. seen stickers making this statement.
Boobs, because he loves looking down on us
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More resigned to it. Has to close his eyes and think of England.
Unsurprising, he was hung too.
His best buddy was super hung. You can’t tell me the J-man didn’t know about his fellow J’s swinging.
He did carry around some pretty large wood.
