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All Calzone Are Beautiful
I wonder how many of the deaths are violence versus traffic accidents from being made to drive all the time under time pressure.
Sad either way.
Somehow my first thought was… Snow Crash
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.
The heroin needle practically fell out my arm
Unashamed that I read the rest of this because of that line.
It’s a good copypasta, don’t be ashamed
Next time add Parmesan.
It’s not a competition! Also, cops have a way more important job
Didn’t realize killing Black people was an “important job.” Though I guess in a white supremacist apartheid state that does track
Fuck off
Also, cops have a way more important job
spoiler
Then explain who would stop murderers otherwise
cops don’t stop murderers, in the vast majority of cases, (all crimes not just homicide) they turn up afterwards.
they direct CSI and then hand over the case to homicide detectives (who are under pressure to deliver results like some kind of salesman, but that’s another conversation)
less than 0.3% of officers are in homicide to begin with.
It’s an example
Btw, I robbed your house and installed Arch on your router
It’s a bad example, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a good one that proves your point. Cops (in the US at least) rarely prevent crime before it happens. Hell, their investigations after the fact rarely even result in convictions. Most of the time a cop is involved with something, it’s because another cop asked them to. A very very very small portion of their work hours goes towards actually responding to crimes in progress.
“The masses must be taught to understand the true function of prisons. Why do they exist in such numbers? What is the real underlying economic motive of crime and the official definition of types of offenders or victims? We must educate the people in the real causes of economic crimes. They must be made to realize even crimes of passion are psycho-social effects of an economic order that was decadent a hundred years ago” – George Jackson, Blood in My Eye
Police exist to uphold the status quo; the nature of the state apparatus (the police are its enforcers!) is the reconciliation of irreconcilable contradictions owing to a conflict between classes; the state apparatus is headed by the dominant class and suppresses the will of the subordinate class (the state is not an organ which sits above society but which arose from it and is alienating itself more and more from it). Which class heads the present state apparatus? Where campaign “lobbying” is a legally recognized tradition, where foreign policy is directed by corporate interests,—whether in the manner Smedley Butler describes in War is a Racket (that war is motivated by the paradoxical sale of facilitative materials for the profit of large corporations, although his solution and scale of analysis is limited), in consideration of the accompanying question of U.S. “territories” (colonies) of Guam and Puerto Rico and of integrated Hawaii which was seized in the first place for the benefit of U.S. businesses and which now has become a show place for wealthy tourists on the one hand and a platform for the suppression and empty commodification of native culture on the other, or finally in regards to the core question of imperialism, a supposedly obsolete convention really becoming more and more concentrated, that the seizure of resources and strategic positions motivated the U.S.-led wars and intervention in Afghanistan, Sudan, Libya, Chile, Nicaragua, Iraq, Somalia, Hait, etc., several of which (I am here noting Afghanistan, Iraq, and Somalia), can be directly traced back to a particular trust and its goals—and where the entire state machine runs (or purports to run) on the basis of a constitutional document fundamentally and explicitly favoring the creation of a civil authority working for rather than against the interests of wealth (in this vein, Adam Smith wrote in The Wealth of Nations that “civil government, so far as it is instituted for the security of property, is in reality instituted for the defense of the rich against the poor, or of those who have some property against those who have none at all”), which class rules?
The police are not a force for the administration of “peace and order,” but unwitting organs employed to enforce the dominant social paradigm in the United States, which is based upon the subjugation of the proletariat and lumpenproletariat to the whim of cartels and trusts, whose aim is exploit domestic labor reserves, quell rebellion, and keep steady the flow of commodities. Everyone worships the cop/executioner who lifts murderers off of the street so that another set may take their place. The police do not exist to eliminate the underlying causes of violent crime (as well as property crime, whose motive force is more obvious), they exist to uphold the system that produces murderers while undermining disorder.
goddamn i love how effortpost replies pile up from hexbears in response to unthought regurgitations by liberals, we’ve got the best posters folks, many people are saying this
We’d have a lot less murderers running around if cops were off the streets
Cops cause as many murders as they stop lol
Internal affairs?
Cops don’t really stop murders, they at best arrest the guilty after the murders have been done. But then if you actually look into the number of murder cases that are solved, it turns out they kind of don’t really even do that very well.
Man, you just triggered every single seething hexbear user. They will be crawling out of their caves to yell insults at you now.
Why is it so easy to predict when someone is a hexbear user? You guys have such a massive hive mind.
Lol teehee don’t we all just 💕💕💕💕 them?
I mean the guy who risks his life to delivery me food, not the fucking pigs
No way, Pizza is waaaay more important.
I can’t eat a cop
I mean not legally lol
Can you eat a pizzaman?
Nah he brings me pizza so no need
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Thats because cops are trained to kill.,. They kill more than 1000 using guns in USA each year (that doesn’t include chokings and other methods)
o7
Italians do the delivery?.. In Italy I guess? I can’t say I’ve seen many italiands delivering pizza where I live
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Please don’t rob us, we don’t carry more than $20 in cash for a reason.
When I managed a pizza place, people would ask if the driver could bring change for $100. I’d tell them if they wanted to leave a $50 tip, the driver can give them his $20.
It’s kind of stupid how common this is.
Ok but did anyone actually tip 50 bucks?
One time a dude was really blazed and handed a driver a $50 bill instead of a 5, but that’s the only time I can think of outside especially large orders.
For real!
I was once told you rob a delivery man for his pizza not his cash as the police won’t do shit for theft of pizza.
Also, all we’re expected to do in that situation is remake the pizza and deliver it. As long as no one is being hurt, I wouldn’t mind someone just holding me up for the pizza, I guess.
This seems racist against Italians, but you’re still factually correct.
Would it have anything to do with police officers having training and tools that are specifically used to avoid injury and death?
It would be like saying swimming in a kiddie pool is more dangerous than scuba diving, because every year 400 kids drown in their backyard and only 80 scuba divers die per year.
Obviously scuba diving is more dangerous on paper, but those who partake in that activity have equipment and training specifically to not die.
if something dangerous is happening to a pizza delivery guy, its happening TO them, they do not have a choice
Cops can just decide “nah fuck that I’m not helping” like they did while those children were slaughtered at Uvalde
That’s totally true as well.
Its untrue that US police are not obligated to intercede for your protection or safety?
Its untrue that US Police did not let over a dozen children get slaughtered while hanging out in the hallway, PLAYING ON THEIR PHONES?
Its untrue that a pizza delivery person who is suddenly violently accosted or involved in a traffic accident is helpless to remove themselves from the situation?
Please, tell me.
Edit: oops, I just realized I misread. Still gonna leave this here tho
Would it have anything to do with police officers having training and tools that are specifically used to avoid injury and death?
Maybe for themselves but they sure do cause injury and death to others. And besides, most officer on the job deaths are from eating too many donuts and getting cardiac failure (which pretty much all the “death on the job” stats for police conveniently avoid mentioning)
1 cop got killed and they shut down new york and every other cop did a fascist march through the streets, so now that you mention it yeah that would be disruptive if they were being killed at half the rate of delivery drivers
every other cop did a fascist march through the streets
Oh sure I get written up if I call to make a doctor’s appointment during work hours, but cops get to run their weekend errands during work. Typical.
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o7 anyone that brings me food.
I think in America there are Italians that own the cops.
