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But Mom, Jesus never had homework
I was talking about this guy in the picture
Fruits that fall off the tree ferment and make alcohol. Monkeys, apes, and other animals eat them for the alcoholic effect.
God didn’t make those. Wait. Shit.
Yeast is the Devil confirmed.
Bread is the devil’s food
I thought that was a kind of cake.
They were manufactured by fallen fruit.
So perfect.
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Birds get drunk off fermented berries. And it’s the funniest shit you will ever watch. Well…until you find out that drunk birds crash into windows a lot.
This is the main reason birds have a hard time getting a driver’s license
It’s maybe a reason, but I’m sure there are bigger issues considering how much drunk drivers WITH a license there are
Also, many species of birds don’t live to be 16 (some do, though, but those ones also rarely drive.)
Bees also get drunk off fermented fruit, and they are mean ass drunks. Source: I grew up on an apple farm.
Mmmmm hmmmm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSM3x9G7eTQOMG my blackberry bushes… those poor drunk idiots…
So that’s why they crash into windows…
If anything, God made alcohol incredibly prevalent and easy to discover and produce
Apples naturally contain yeast, they’ll literally turn to alcohol on their own if you give them time.
The apple Eve bit into was fermented for sure
Can you make alcohol out of figs?
You can basically make alcohol out of anything with sugar and the right yeast.
Actually Fig and/or Plum wine is pretty good.
Hell, you can even alcohol with your butt.
Don’t forget vagina yoghurt
Also, vagina beer. And vagina bread. Still wanna try some of that
And that’s not even to mention all the psychoactive plants out there. The Earth makes many a mind-altering substance without the help of man.
It makes sense if you believe in science and stuff, but if you were a true Christian you would know that holly sweet Jesus of America turned water into wine, which has nothing to do with alcohol. It is His sacred blood that for some reason also tastes like old grape juice. Don’t judge me and make your own research.
Thoughts and prayers, libtard!
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For anyone that doesnt know, humans have evolved a significant tolerance to alcohol because it does infact exist in nature in rotting fruit (you take what you can in 400000 bc) there are reports of moose losing it after only a few fermented Apples. And Elephant reportedly can get deliriously drunk off of a single beer.
I had a dog that loved beer but he was a nasty drunk. He would knock beers over to lap them up, then start growling and barking for more. Then he’d puke, eat the puke, and pass out.
Sounds like a roommate I had once. You’re sure he wasn’t just a short bearded man named Matthew?
Did I live with you?
If he was I am guilty of so many crimes
But bestiality wouldn’t be one of them
Or Mark? Or Luke? Or John?
I’ve seen this exact thing, a little terrier would wait for everyone to leave the room then he’d knock everyone’s beers over and get shirfaced. I don’t remember him being violent unless you tried to take the beer away
Then he’d puke, eat the puke, and pass out.
Probably because hops are toxic to dogs.
The ones who couldn’t tolerate liquor couldn’t get laid? That checks out actually.
Darwin bouta recheck his theory
I think it’s consistent with it actually.
Yeah alcohol tolerance is sexually selected in some populations of modern Homo sapiens
I’ve been told by several people that being a non-drinker is a “huge red flag” if they see it in a dating profile.
I don’t think it’s a red flag but it could be a compatibility issue for some.
Also, it might mean they’re in recovery, which can be a red flag for many
Or they’re seen as boring because drinking culture is deeply ingrained in our societies.
Because usually to state something like that it implies severe alcoholism.
Most people who don’t drink just don’t drink
“I don’t drink” usually implies severe alcoholism. Got it.
When you feel the need to put it in a dating site bio, it does.
That’s hilarious to me.
Yea fuck the Catholics in particular, drinking all that wine like it’s the “blood of Christ”. Like Christ would ever touch alcohol!
So Jesus is a “fallen man”, ok.
@Spike Just ask Maria Magdalene ;)
He also only turned the water into wine because his mother nagged him to do it. Two of the people thought to be the most perfect and infallible in Christian tradition are actually fallen people. I think it’s pretty noble to abstain from alcohol or other addictions but the way this guy does it is so belittling.
He didn’tmake it, he multiplied it, duh!
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That name has to be fake.
Just swap the first vowel in each name and you’ve got a great parody account
Please make a Tuff Shittlesworth account.
It sounds like the name of a Will Farrell character! I can’t find anything to suggest it isn’t his real name - and tiff doesn’t seem to be short for anything either.
Could be Tiffany. The musician Tiffany had a song called “Tiff’s Back”.
I knew a girl at uni called Tiffany but she went by Tipp/Tipper. I’d definitely chose that over Tiff personally.
Like when a fallen man (Jesus) turned water into wine. Good story, kid.
There is an old Disney documentary called “Animals are Beautiful People”. There is a segment of the movie dedicated to showing how monkeys, elephants, giraffes, and other animals can get shitfaced off rotten fruit.
Someone posted that clip before midsummer and I still chuckle at one of the replies. Something like “I’m laughing at the dumb hangover animals even though I know for a fact I’ll be in the same state tomorrow”.
Some birds also intentionally make fruit ferment and then get shit-faced off of it. Humans are hardly the first species on this planet to make booze.
Some birds eat spicey chilis because it makes them hallucinate and get high.
Birds tongues can’t taste capsaicin.
There’s a type of lemur that gets hammered by stimulating a poisonous millipede and ingesting it’s poison.
which millipede though, i dont want to spend ages milking a bunch of millipedes
Like the dolphins do with puffer fish.
They also rub it all over their privates first. But it’s for um… medicinal purposes… (?) https://matadornetwork.com/read/animals-hallucinogenic-drugs/
There’s also a kind of sheep that will completely wear it’s front teeth off by scraping hallucinogenic lichen off granite rocks. Everybody likes a party.
There’s an theory stating that one thing that helped the Wari/Inca stay together were several parties fueled by their beer mixed with hallucinogens
That’s an interesting article, but why include the quotes from some random zookeeper, especially when all of his contributions are basically “i don’t know why” lmao.
Disney documentary
Well there’s your problem, this is clearly woke propaganda!!
Used to go sit under the fig tree as a kid and watch hammered parrots fall out of the tree and stagger around.
I went to a church when I was a kid that taught that wine was completely non-alcoholic in biblical times.
Remarkable how ignorant of their own bible the teetotalling Christians are. Without refrigeration grape juice becomes unsafe to drink quickly. Fermenting it was the only way it would keep. Also in 1 Tim 3:8 mentions to not have men as deacons if they’re “addicted to much wine”, clearly showing this was not grape juice they’re talking about.
It’s even more directly stated, and specifically about the wine Jesus made. After he turned water into wine, the guests were specifically remarking that hosts generally feed their guests good wine early in the night and pull out cheaper wine after the guests are drunk and can’t tell the difference… But in this case they saved the best for last.
This is great because it also is a counter point to the argument that some preachers say to the youth about it being DRUNKENNESS that god doesn’t like.
Nope, not intrinsically, because Jesus lit up a party full of ALREADY drunk people with more booze.
Well the Bible is clear that drunkenness is a sin. It’s stated many times, old and new testament, and without a doubt it’s a problem for a lot of people. But the wedding party wine is a good example that there’s no issue with having a party and people drinking, and as you said, Jesus supplies more wine after they run out. He didn’t feel the need to police everyone.
I disagree that the bible is clear that it’s a sin. It’s murky at best.
There are many warnings of being drunk leading to other sins. I think it’s implied that routine drunkenness inevitably at least leads to sloth. I think there is an important distinction between “getting drunk” and “being a drunkard”.
It’s pretty clear Paul wasn’t a fan.
But like, Paul wasn’t the Christ. Paul can hate all he wants but the fact remains that Jesus got a party full of people who were ALREADY drunk MORE DRUNK.
So, either Christ will himself tempt others into sin or it isn’t a sin.
I think it’s important to consider the position on temptation. If your hand causes you to sin, it’s better to cut it off kinda thing. If getting drunk leads you to sin, you shouldn’t get drunk.
In the same way that nobody in the bible or in the same realms of the living would suggest preemptively cutting off the hands and gouging out the eyes at birth to ensure no sins caused by those body parts, it’s similarly reasonable to not take a same blanket preemptive stance on getting drunk.
I’d never stop someone from making a personal choice not to drink, for literally any reason. I’m pretty wary of anyone who says the bible is “clear” on what is and isn’t a sin, though.
The definition of sin is the most boring and inconsequential part of the Christian faith and it’s such a shame how many Christians are exclusively obsessed with it.
Hahahahahhahha
Wait until he finds out that humans have been drinking alcohol recreationally for at least 8000 years. I reckon heaven would be really rather empty if only people who never drank any alcohol were allowed in
First you have to convince him that the earth is more than 8000 years old.
John 2:1-11 New International Version
Jesus Changes Water Into Wine
2 On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, 2 and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3 When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”
4 “Woman,[a] why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.”
5 His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”
6 Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.[b]
7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
8 Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, 9 and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10 and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”
11 What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.
“Woman, why do you involve me? My hour has not yet come.”
Is there a generally accepted explanation of this line? Mary somehow knows he has superpowers long before Jesus starts the cult/religion (despite the obvious problems between them concerning the ‘virgin birth’ myth) - and the first test of a God on Earth is his mom looking at the empty wine cup and saying “can’t you fix this with your magic?”!
Were they like, regularly making magic water-wine in the house before she and her son went to the party, or - how would she know?
Carpenter wasn’t a real high paying job, gotta save money any way you can so just one wine bottle that little J refills every day would make sense.
Or maybe he was just trying to catch a buzz before the magic show and wanted Mary to step off
John is sort of a weird gospel because it was written independently of the other three.
Typically it’s assumed that Mark is oldest of the gospels and written independently. Matthew and Luke are both based on Mark. John, however, remains its own thing and was also written independently, potentially by multiple authors at different times. John was also originally written in Greek and not a translation, as it does wordplay that only works in Greek (see John 3, which makes no sense in English or Aramaic but has a double meaning in Greek).
One of the ways John is so different from the others is because John plays up the supernatural aspects a bit more. In John, Mary absolutely knows about Jesus’ powers and basically begs Jesus to “blow his cover” as it were, to allow the wedding to save face.
It’s implied that Mary has always known about Jesus’ “special powers”, especially in John. Mark is much more “down-to-earth” when it comes to describing Jesus’ powers, while Matthew and Luke (as mentioned) copy Mark and add embellishments (the virgin birth, describing the resurrection). Matthew and Luke give Jesus magic powers that he “should” have, whereas John is very explicit about “yeah this is God and he has God powers” in ways the others do not.
Side note: John is also weird in that Mary and Joseph are basically described as Jesus’ parents. Mary is never mentioned by name, and the virgin birth is never stated. In John, Joseph is also explicitly said to be Jesus’ father, despite, you know… the rest of the New Testament saying he wasn’t. So John is just strange.
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I think the beer brewing monasteries didn’t get the memo.
Tiff Shuttlesworth sounds like a name from Happy Gilmore. I still love Shooter McGavin but damn, Tiff takes the proverbial cake here.
biff shittleswad
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