It seems like, that the longer I am aware of me being trans I keep unlocking new forms of Dysphoria. I never really had any problems with my deadname, but now it does hurt a little bit when hearing it from other people, because im not officially out to them. Today I also realised that apparently I know hate seeing hairs on my arms, which was never a problem before. Hearing my voice also gets progressively worse. What the fuck is this? Why cant I not feel shittier as time goes on. I am on my way to transition, my body could decide to not make my life shit in the process.
Oh yeah, that slow slide over the first few weeks / months from “I don’t mind my body” to “I am not OK with this at all” as you realize just how much you’ve been repressing all this time. I originally thought I wouldn’t bother with bottom surgery, but now it can’t happen soon enough.
OTOH, taking care of the things under my control that were bothering me (hair, posture, clothes, weight, voice etc) really helped me get over the nagging feeling that I wasn’t serious about transitioning. That way everything becomes a positive, and self-care becomes feeling good about myself for once.