Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
A wise decision! Welcome, and I hope you continue to have fun with Linux! Linux Mint is a great starting distro. If you ever get around to installing VirtualBox, I recommend you also try Pop OS. I personally prefer that distro on laptops.