I feel like since starting hrt I feel more hopeless, and I look and realize that I’ll never look like a girl, there’s nothing I can do. My life is essentially over. While yes I look better than I did pre hrt I still look bad and I hate myself and the person I am.
It seems you expect too much of yourself. Therapy can help get you out of these negative spirals by developing techniques to regulate your mind. While it’s hard, I think it’s a more reliable solution than hoping you’ll eventually look good enough for your standards.
Something that helped me with my mind was realizing I am not a rational being and I do not control my thoughts. That voice in the back of my head criticizing me feels so real, but it’s not some objective judge, it’s actually incredibly biased and changes its mind based on my mood. If I can block out that voice, eventually it starts piping up less and less, and if it does pipe up again I know I can do something like play nice music to distract it. And sometimes it gets to me anyway, but I try to learn what triggered it and think of how I can mitigate that going forward.
But also, see a therapist if you can, and be honest with them. They can really speed up the process of finding problems and coming up with mitigation strategies.
My issue is realistic expections are too never pass, always look unattractive (traditionally) and always hate myself for not starting hrt until I was 20
Please don’t hate yourself, see a therapist. I promise you your mind and attitude are more malleable than you think!