WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
I’ll eat that onion!
… and probably her ass.
I’m pretty sure that’s how you get new and horrifying diseases.
She’s got that Congressional healthcare now, you’re good fam.
Yes, she does, we don’t.
God she’s hot! I am into dumb MILFs.
I refuse to apologize for being a MILF-man.
GILF, though.
Don’t stick your dick in crazy
Lol true
Only if she’s above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal.
No, you can. Just don’t give crazy your real name and number
Also don’t underestimate crazy because they can become a crazy stalker
Always take the long way home.
She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.
🤣🤣omg! I can’t stop laughing and I am at work.
Hey now, some of us are into selfish lovers
She’s not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren’t such a shit heel, I wouldn’t kick her out.
(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard “porn orifice” thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)
BREAKING: The least helpful person is there to give you a hand.
and
NO SNAKES ATTACHED: Following Perseus’s quest for a head, Medusa is FURIOUS about the lack of eye contact.
She’s morraly reprehensible, but if she wants to fiddle with my gristle stick I won’t stop her.
Gristle stick. That’s a new one for me.
Damn y’all is THIRSTY!
Guilty as charged. She’s both terrible, and terribly sexy. I’m ashamed but nonetheless here we are.
It’s the jizz guard glasses. Your mind is playing tricks on you by superimposing her kinda ugly mug on unto the extensive catalog of porn stored in your memory.
I don’t see the sexiness. Narrow hips, fake boobs, vacant hateful stare. Her makeup is well done, but she doesn’t do it herself.
It’s pretty crazy that I wasn’t sure if this was The Onion at first.
I honestly thought about it and suspected it wasn’t before looking. This seems like something she’d say at least.
IDK, this is a little slut-shamey for the onion. Honestly her being kinda slutty is the only thing relatable about her, maybe pick one of the 19 other things she can fairly be attacked on?
The problem isn’t the sluttiness, it’s the hypocracy and doing it in public that’s the issue. If this were actually real, I don’t think many Democrat voters would mind it, but conservative voters would. That’s the issue. She votes and speaks to prevent consenting adults from doing what they want, yet she does what she did in public.
“Hypocrisy” is one of the 19 things she could be called out for. That’s not what the joke is here in this article. The joke is that she’s a slut.
I think she is the joke, actually.
Not downvoting ya, but when you, a public servant, are found groping your bf unabashedly in public, you might get some jokes, and I think that’s totally fine.
They were told more than a few times that their general behavior was making people uncomfortable, and her response (when shown the door) was “do you know who I am?” which made it even funnier that she wasn’t ashamed by it.
If my friends saw something even remotely similar, the jokes would be similar, and the ribbing would be fine. Of course, I’m also not trashy enough to do it in a theater of all places, and I also am not absolutely unhinged and angry about everything, so I got that going for me.
-sex positive, nudist, queer af lemmy poster ;)
i don’t think it’s slut shaming it’s just hypocrisy shaming.
You know, as someone without a penis, I just don’t think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.
I dunno. I get the feeling she’s had quite a bit of practice.
Look at that…it seems i’m a constituent today.
Like my mother always said, if she’s willing to open with that you could probably negotiate your way up to a blowjob just by acting skeptical.
I would be afraid for anything that gets close to her beak.
That was my mother’s favorite saying too. Rest in peace, Mom.
I posted this in a thread, but I need to comment about the picture being the standard “porn orifice” thing. I’m not sure I understand it, but I also don’t understand the red lipstick either. Both are part of it though.
No matter what, someone spent time picking that particular frame.
You never know when a photo like this will cum in handy.
I mean … at least it’d be a tangible benefit to her constituents.
Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?
Sorry for the potato quality but I think we’ve all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway
The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around
Did anybody ever finalize the math on this like Futuramas body swap formula?
Only if you can get optimum tip-to-tip efficiency.
But do different girths affect one’s ability to jerk dicks?
Say what you want about Boebert but any candidate that jerks me off has my vote. I’m just gonna lay that out there right now.
deleted by creator
hello im dick cheney and your dick is the one i’ll br chaining; i shot a man in the with a gun but i’ll be shooting you with my [redacted] until i have another heart attack. oh btw we lost 1.9 trillion and we’re not doing an audit
Gonna be honest Mr Cheney I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to get me there, but you’re welcome to try.
Just wait till he sicks seal team dicks on you
Please report back with the outcome. I’m edging over here.
He never showed up so I guess I’ll just be writing my own name in again.
I don’t know man. If she starts talking i’m out.
She’ll be too busy vaping to speak.
Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her
Professor Gerkh M. Hoff
Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.
Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance
