Life is easier if you regret NOT having children.

Life is much harder if you regret HAVING children.

I would recommend lurking in the Regretful Parents subreddit.

The sleep deprivation is way more of an issue than poop. My 9 year old woke me up at 3 in the morning, because she had a nightmare this was after the two year old decided she could only sleep in daddy’s bed and before the 4 year old peed in her bed at 5am. I tolerate it because I actually want kids, but it is a lot of work.

You also have to consider any special needs/ behavioural problems that you or your partner had as a child, because a lot of those are hereditary. Not to mention they will get sick from all the childhood diseases and they’re not good about holding their vomit til they get to the bathroom. I have been puked on several times.

Then there’s the financial problems. If you’re tall your kid will blow through clothing really quick. My eldest is currently wearing adult XS clothes. They don’t eat much, but you’ll end up not being very adventurous in the kitchen because kids don’t eat nice food. If you are in the states daycare is pretty pricey. I know of at least one postdoc who quit her academic career because her entire paycheck wasn’t enough to cover the cost of daycare. If you live up north, winter clothing is really expensive. In Norway, a set of wool underwear will cost over 40 USD and you’re talking about the same for a cheap set of winter boots and about 100 USD for a snowsuit. These need to be replaced often.

All of this is worth it if you want kids. But you need to talk to your partner. If you don’t agree on weather or not you want children then you need to end things, because either way one of you will grow to resent the other. I’ve seen it happen many times either you are forced to give up your life for 18 years or he’s forced to give up on starting a family. Neither of those things are fair. I could give you articles but they’re all basically people’s opinions anyway. And the decision needs to be based on what you want for your life, not what someone else thinks.

Just imagine how much a child costs right now. Now imagine how much college tuition will increase in 18 years. Unless you’re rich, you’re fucking your life up.

I just knew it would make me miserable to have to be a responsible person every day for someone else’s sake. I live in chaos and I’ve made my peace with fucking my own life, but if a kid was in the picture I would step up, but I would hate every moment of it.

I don’t think any first time parent is ever going to be ready. If birthing is a fear you have, go for a c-section instead.

Kids are also very different from one another. Tantrums are not commonplace, it depends how you approach your kid when it is sad, upset etc.

PS: sorry for not linking you any articles. Choose whatever you feel works for you and your partner :)

(Edit: wording)

I postponed the decision because I was afraid I might regret not having children (despite never having wanted them). Once I realized I would also definitely and repeatedly encounter feelings of regret for HAVING children if I did get them, I accepted that I shouldn’t build my life around the fear of maybe having negative feelings. After that, it was smooth sailing through vasectomy and a childfree middle age.

For the record: I haven’t regretted the decision, not once.

Good Lord talk to your partner. Don’t try to sub contact your evidence research for the fight you just had.

To give you an actual resource: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. She’s a social worker and therapist that specializes in this exact issue.

The book is fantastic. It guides you through thought exercises and different considerations about having kids. I want to stress that she does not try to convince you to have a kid. She just helps you make an informed decision.

Loving children is a good reason not to have them. I think it’s cruel to bring a child into a world of declining resources, opportunities, and environmental health, and constantly increasing costs, risks, and insecurity.

I’ve known for as long as I’ve known that people have children. I’ve been open to the idea and possible discussion and doing my best if it ever happened to me. But there was no decision to be made in my mind.

Luckily I’m now pretty much past the danger for any foreseeable future.

My mom’s advice has helped me a lot in my decision. She’s a mother of 5, definitely wanted to be a mother and is very fulfilled by it. Parenting was her great joy, and she was/is great at it.

You and your husband should both be about 80% sure you want kids. Any less and it verges on not worth it. Kids take everything you have. If you want them, you are so happy to give them everything. If you want kids 100% (no fear or hesitation about being ready) than you’re underestimating how important and difficult a decision it is. A good parent does hesitate and consider if they’re ready!

I am 7 months pregnant and I was also terrified to give birth! I’m coming around now, and feeling more ready. At some point, it’s easier to go through 1-2 days of pain and just get them out. Honestly I recommend not researching it too in depth until after you make your decision, because it’s like the smallest part of the process. Pregnancy is like a year, birth is one day, and then they’re your kid forever.

Becoming a biological parent means you’re causing on average 58.6 tonnes of CO2e released per year for having that kid (it’s an order of magnitude worse in rich countries). Wynes et al. 2017

By becoming a biological parent, you’re contributing to the biggest and root cause of making the world unlivable due to anthropogenic climate change.

I have misophonia and certain sounds are so grating and painful that it takes all my focus to disassociate from it and not give in to the rage. I couldnt imagine dealing with all the screaming and crying and still keeping my cool 100% of the time like I do right now. Better not to risk it.

Sometimes I think I would like to pass on skills or knowledge or help someone navigate through life but I could just write a fucking book and not subject another person to this bullshit.

You have to be a bit selfish and think about what you want. Do you want kids? As a woman do you want to go through child birth? If these are things you don’t truly desire and want you’re going to be miserable raising a child, which won’t be good for you or the child.

Also, if you and your partner are not on the same page here you need to be. You need to talk about what each other wants, and if you both want different things then you’ll want to consider your future together because it might not work out.

Ultimately what you want and what your partner wants are both equally important.