I’ve been thinking about getting Allen Carr’s book “Quit Drinking Without Willpower”. I used his book " The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" to stop smoking in 2008. I had smoked for almost 30 years and then quit immediately after reading that book, with no cravings.

never tried it, but heard it’s highly effective. get hammered with them and film the whole thing. then show it to them.

Nut up and leave their ass. This sounds harsh, but in my experience people dont change until they have to contend with the harshest consequences of their actions.

They’ll cry crocodile tears and promise that they’ll do better from now on and to just give them one more change and everything will magically be better.

Maybe they put up an act for a bit but it always goes back to square one.

Stop tolerating abuse just because you love them or are afraid of being alone again. You are partially complicit in this by deciding to continue the relationship.

Another secular alternative is SMART recovery. They have group meetings in-person and online as well as a Family & Friends program. https://www.smartrecovery.org/

They say everyone has to find their own rock bottom before they can begin to heal, and for me that was true. I had to lose almost everything in my life, my friends, my home, my girlfriend… The only things I had at the end were my dog and my car and junk. You can’t really help someone, until they help themselves.

The only way to help themselves in my experience is for them to recognize that there’s no such thing as a good amount of alcoholic, and go cold turkey straight up. No weaning, no “I drink socially.” Or “I drink on weekends.” (This is dangerous and if they do so, it should be a medical detox with the proper medication and under supervision, depending how addicted they are. They can die from quitting cold Turkey without medication).

There is scientific evidence that if one is an alcoholic, the alcoholism can literally overpower even the strongest of willed individuals. But only after the first drink. That first drink is the one that fucks you. Don’t have the first drink, ever.

By tolerating the cycles of abuse and apology, you’re actively enabling them. You need to set hard boundaries. Before you get hurt badly. For your own safety, do not even exist in the same place as them while they’re drinking. If they have a drink, go to a friends or your families house, and tell them you won’t come back until they’re sober. You’re basically telling them it’s okay to cyclically abuse you if you stay.

you’re in a tough situation. ultimately the decision to change is hers: either she will or she won’t and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

good luck, take care of yourself

N

I have experience with alcoholics in the family and haven’t drank more than a handful of drinks in the last 5 years, because I don’t want to go down that road, but the things you need to ask yourself are: Are you prepared to have her never changed and eventually drink herself to death? Are you prepared for her behavior to get even worse over the years towards you and herself? Are you prepared for the drinking associated health complications, she won’t be able to function as an adult for her last 5-10 years. Are you prepared to deal with potential DUIs, job losses, and other alcohol related complications? Are you prepared to give up your life to deal with her situation?

If the answer is no, you need to think about your future with her. You can’t help her through this one.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

https://www.aa.org/

Al Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous [AA] are two different organizations. AA is for the people who want to get sober, and Al Anon is for the people dealing with the drinkers.

The only requirement to go to AA is to have a desire to stop. Someone can go to AA meetings even if they haven’t managed to stop using. AA doesn’t charge any fees. There are atheist /agnostic meetings for people who don’t believe in God.

Al Anon is about setting up boundaries and supporting people without enabling their drinking.

The only suggestion I can make is to get her to the Dr and get naltrexone prescribed. The nice part about it is if she follows the plan, she still gets to drink. She just needs to wait the 90 minutes and redose if an when relevant.

Sinclair method or protocol is what I would suggest but it requires buy-in from everyone.

Would also recommend you guys come to an agreement that no spirits/hard liquor is allowed. Its honestly an uphill battle until she’s on the weaker stuff

Though I’ve not dealt with alcoholism specifically, I’ve experience with very serious relationships that were ‘good when they were good, but abusive when they were bad’. Relationships I stayed in for many years too many, because I loved her and I thought things could change. From my anecdotal experience, I don’t think there’s much you can do but tell her how her behaviour affects you, support her insofar as you’re able, and hope that can inspire change.

Past that, I just want to say make sure you take care of yourself. It’s a certain possibility that she will not meaningfully change. No matter how much you love a person, you should never feel obliged to put up with being abused, no matter how infrequently nor in what context. And doing so will help neither you nor her. Best of luck.

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Former alcoholic here, although I abhor the term, Ill use it for simplicity. Imo, excess drinking is a symptom of other problems. I quit because I didnt want to die like that which is the inevitable outcome. But I had to get my other problems dealt with in order to quit, because for a while, like 10 years, I don’t think I cared, so I needed my doctors help with that. Mainly, I didnt want my grandkids to remember me like that, dying of alcohol-related problems, nor did I want my spouse to die like that, bc we were drinking partners. So I had to get her to quit too, which eventually came down to alcohol or me, so she chose me.

I’m answering from the point of view of the alcoholic person you’re trying to help, change. I was that person.

Went on for years. People kept telling me risks, I should stop, it was affecting relationships, health, work, etc.

I’d say: I don’t have a drinking problem. I’m able to hold jobs. I drink to help cope with certain things. Everybody uses something to cope, alcohol is mine.

For years. Where things changed, late 30s.:

Getting sicker. Medical 420 became a thing. Finally found med that helped with insomnia. Introduced to dbt, cbt. A good psychiatrist.

It’s good you care, are trying to help. You might be able to. But… the person has to be ready, willing to recognize they have a problem.

Oh, also, alcoholics anonymous never worked for me. There are secular options. Harm reduction, moderation management worked best for my situation.

This book This Naked Mind helped me a lot to quit alcohol.

But it was my own decision, not coming from someone else.

Sadly, the stop drinking community on Lemmy is non existent or dead so you have to check the original r/stopdrinking on Reddit. Even if we left that place, this sub is just awesome, packed with useful resources and is something really hard to find elsewhere, you won’t even have to post, just start by reading the sidebar and wiki.

Good luck, my problem with alcohol cost me my 13 years marriage but I got out of it mostly thanks to that subreddit, so anything is possible.