She gained some weight but she is not fat at all!
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Other than saying things like, you dont look fat to me, i would love you even if you were the size of a whale, etc.
One thing that i find is pretty useful for all people to remember:
When you see other people who are overweight or a but chunky, etc. Do you judge them for it? Do you focus on it and think “whoah look at fatty over there!”?
I don’t. Sure, i notice when someone is fat, but only as much asbi notice someone whonis really thin or just a normal weight. It doesn’t change how i interact with them or if i would be their friend, etc.
Other people aren’t judging you if you are fat. (Im sure there are some, but they are terrible people, and their opinions dont matter)
Most people are too concerned with how they look to notice/care about how you look. So dont worry about it. Just aim to be healthy. Dont stress over weight for looks.
i would love you even if you were the size of a whale
Please for the love of god do not say this lmao
I was being a little silly with that, i was just trying to brush the obvious out of the way to focus on the main point. Although when she asks you would you still love her if she was a worm, the correct answer is yes. So if she said would you still love me if i was the size of a whale, the correct answer would also be yes.
So saying it without her asking is surely ok.
Nah, you’ve fallen in to a classic trap for men. Even though the answer could be correct under different framing, it’s not always okay. The framing matters.
So if she said would you still love me if i was the size of a whale
In this example, the underlying insecurity is about you. She’s worried you’ll leave her if she’s not always at her best. Thus just saying yes provides helps solve the core issue. To be honest it’s not a perfect answer, but it’s fine.
gf saying “I’m fat”
In this one, the insecurity is not (just) about you. Most likely she’s worried about how other people perceive her, or how she perceives herself. Men often assume any concern someone puts into their appearance is for their partner or for finding one, but it’s not. Saying you’ll love her even if she is fat does not address the underlying insecurity. In fact, it implies she is fat and heightens what she is worried about.
I would advise a hug or something for immediate reassurance and then asking her some gentle questions to gauge what she’s really worried about if you’re not sure. Literally, “hey what brought this on?”. Maybe with a “you look great” leading into it first.
Although when she asks you would you still love her if she was a worm, the correct answer is yes.
Better to put it back reframed in more direct terms, showing you understand the underlying insecurity, but dodging having to be dishonest about the fact her being a worm obviously would change things. Then lighten the mood with a joke.
You are forgetting one key fact. She doesn’t want help or a solution. She just wants you to acknowledge and agree with her.
When my wife comes to me with something thats bothering her i always fall into the trap of trying to fix it. But all she wants is for me to say that sucks and agree with her that the subject/object of the issue is shit and maybe give her a hug. Or simply to just listen.
The truth of it is that theres no manual or one size fits all solution to being in a relationship. Men and women can be just as complex as each other and everyone is different.
"You sure are, P H A T! Pretty Hot and Tempting! "
“Have you tried eating less than a metric fuckton of junk at every meal, ya goddamn ham planet?!”
That’ll work.
Start singing and dancing to “Fat” by Weird Al. Bonus points if you have a few friends with you to recreate the moves in the music video.
Might as well ask Lemmy how to pass the Kobayashi Maru test, while you’re at it.
Understand the deeper meaning of the situation and what they are actually looking for?
You know what, other poster that recommendations cheating may be easier.
Edit: or is this a helplessness, try anyway deal??
Might be a tricky example. The answer to that according to a certain cadet is to cheat. Not sure gf would appreciate that.
I always liked Calhoun’s solution. Obliterate the Maru. It’s either a trap or it’s not. If it is, you don’t want to leave it there for someone else to fall for. If it’s not, you don’t want to leave it there to cause a diplomatic incident, and fiery plasma death is probably better than whatever the Klingons / Romulans would do to the crew.
Of course, I don’t recommended launching a full spread of photon torpedoes at your gf.
The Calhoun solution? Throw a bald cancerous kid in the simulator?
If done successfully she’ll never know
“Phew! I thought you were pregnant.”
What do you expect? Your mom was fat and as you grow older you’re becoming her.
This kills the man
If you’re still alive at that point, and want that to change, start talking about her younger sister.
How to get a divorce with one easy step!
#nailedit
nail edit
na i led it
Whatever you say you’ll be wrong. If your answer is “You are not!” then she will blame you “You are not looking at me at all. Am i not pretty for you?” If your answer is “Yes you are!” then you are screwed. If your answer will be silence then she will do the same as the answer would be “Yes you are!” but she will add… you are a coward.
Remind her of how big her hugs are now.
Bring that fat ass to daddy’s face then!
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Well it isn’t mine. I had a vasectomy.
Instant ex tactic
You can’t win this one.
It’s over OP, she has the high ground.
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Yup, whatever you say is going to backfire, make sure you got an exit plan :)
Tell her the truth (as I understand it you don’t think she’s fat), but also ask why she’s asking in the first place. Offer some support if she wants to lose some weight.
I think open and honest discussion is the best approach here because now you’re jus guessing what the real issue is.
I think it’s due to comments from people. She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything. She’s now much better than before but people keep mentioning how she changed. It’s really dumb when people keep commenting about your appearance, but I gets to her sometimes. The same people were telling her she needs to gain weight before. ( we are in a developing country where these comments are sadly so normalized)
I see that the comments are geared towards bigger bodies trying to lose weight.
Your case is special. Food scarcity / eating disorders are very different from American lifestyles if you want to call them that. Emphasize your support and how much healthier y’all are in the present and will be in the future.
I hope it all goes well.
Oh man. That is really rough to deal with. I watched my wife going through what you are and it was really hard on her. I hope you’re taking care of yourself as well as your girlfriend.
I(male, 36) have an autoimmune disorder that really kicked in during my teen years. I hit 172lbs(78kg) at 12 years old and then again at 32. At one point I weighed less than 138lbs(62kg) and I’m 6’4”(192cm). Got some medicine figured out and now I’m 215lbs(97kg), which feels and looks(!!) much much better.
It’s all a bit personal but I know to some extent what she’s going through. It’s really really hard to watch your body change even in positive ways. Hell, I was so malnourished I couldn’t do math in my head for ten years, it’s fucking weird having parts of your brain turn back on and get smarter. She’s probably going through a lot.
I’m not sure I can DM with this lemmy app but feel free to try. At the least I can lend an ear for someone for you to shit on. Everyone needs that!
My best advice, as trite and cliche as it is, would be to meet her where she is at. Talk to her. Find out what’s bothering her. Don’t judge even the silly stuff but remind her to laugh. Remind her that love is about who she is not the skin or body she wears.
She might need to be reminded or shown that not all comments are criticisms. People saying stuff about how she’s changed may be intended to be a compliment rather than a put down but it can be very hard to hear the words the right way.
Also, if you’re in a developing country this has got to suck. One thing no one talks about is god damned expensive gaining or losing weight or just getting health can be. I’ve spent about 2% of my gross income on clothing this year because I put on 25lbs(11kg) and I make around the Canadian median wage. The conflict of guilt around being an expensive person or feeling like crap in your clothes is hard. It feels stupid and invalid but it’s this constant ache of budget vs feeling like you don’t want to be seen. Maybe take her shopping if you can?
It sounds like she is definitely not fat, so you can be truthful and you aren’t looking for a way to tactfully say she is at an unhealthy weight. What it sounds like is happening instead is a bunch of busybodies are just stirring up trouble and trying to undermine her self confidence. If it wasn’t her weight, it would be her clothes or some other body part they would criticize. (for instance they’d claim she had a weird nose or ears, I had a “friend” comment on my how my knees looked weird and knobby one time. They were and are normal knees. My grandma tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me because my breasts hadn’t come in yet. I was 12. Both of these were people “looking out for me and trying to help” - they were not. They were trying to make themselves feel better at my expense.
You need to make sure she realizes these comments other people are making are not motivated in kindness, even if they are claiming they are. Try to find ways to help her see her worth and to help her ignore the bullying comments by these people.
Because of mainly my grandma, I learned to recognize when these comments were meant to be mean and to not let let them affect my self-esteem. Instead I realized they just made the person saying them look worse.
Occasionally, when they would get a comment in about something, like a big pimple, I would gray rock it and respond with, “yeah, that happens, oh well” and move on. Learning to not give them a reaction also makes it not fun for them after a while and they find other targets or shut up.
Learning to gray rock and not internalize the crap other people are flinging will help a lot. Having someone like you that she can trust to be actually kind and honest will help her reinforce to herself that the other people are just being unkind.
I think make sure she knows you’re on her side, and that you don’t value the opinion of those people. “I just don’t understand why they are so critical of your body and feel the need to comment on you all the time. You’re a healthy weight, and you look incredible, its just bizarre that they behave that way. What is their problem? I wonder if it’s jealousy, or maybe they’ve been brought up to be insecure about their bodies, such a shame to be like that, I’m glad we’re not like that” etc. Keep trying to reinforce that this is their issue, not hers.
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Thank you for a serious answer. I would love it if a man did this for me after I expressed dislike about my appearance.
You ain’t, but join the gym to keep it like that.
