Replace “Then don’t worry” with “If you really think about it you should definitely be worried” and this is my life.
I guess the thing missing from the chart is “can you do something about it?” -> “do something” -> “don’t worry.” Worry is only useful in that it prompts us to go “this thing could be a problem” and take action to address it. If we can’t do anything about it (or aren’t deciding to do something) then devoting energy and thought cycles to worrying doesn’t benefit us.
I mean, that’s how my ADHD and anxiety combo works: every waking moment is either
A: really thinking about everything, including completely inconsequential stuff, my brain making me super worried about most of it
Or
B: trying with various degrees of success to distract myself away from doing A. This in turn often tends to make me forget things that I DO need to be aware of, such as appointments etc, worsening A.
It’s so fucking exhausting tbh 😮💨
Also, deliberately ignoring things you’re worrying about backfires when they do come to pass, because then you feel guilty for ignoring them and like you’re losing control.
At least it’s like that for me. Perhaps not for you, I hope so!
Yup. Happens less than it used to but still keeps happening. I hope it’ll become less frequent for you too, if not stop completely…
Thanks 😊 I’m in a period of high personal change so it just comes with the territory I guess. I’m glad it improved for you!
Thanks 😁🫶
I hope all the change stuff works out well too!
If the answer is ‘maybe’ then you are allowed to worry.
Do I have a problem?
No -> Don’t Worry. Yes -> Can I do something -> No -> What the worst possible outcomes and how will I deal with them? Can I do something -> Yes -> What the worst possible outcomes and how can I negate them to only have best outcomes.
Worrying is good, preparedness makes it easier.
That’s not worrying though. Worrying is unproductive fear of the unknown, your steps eliminate the unknown and use logic to solve the problem. That’s good, but you need to be able to break the worry cycle so your logical brain can step in.
Except when it becomes an anxiety disorder.
This is how a lazy detached person’s brain works.
Why don’t you simply turn off the unwanted emotion??
That’s how emotions work, right? Right, that’s how they work.
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TBH it’s a learned skill to stop worrying about something if there’s nothing productive you can do for that problem.
But worrying about it is what gives the motivation to do something about it.
Worrying about problems definitely helps to keep you alive, but the motivation to do something ideally comes from a prefrontal cortex desire to improve rather than a fight or flight response to threats.
I’ve gotten decent at this, but it has taken years of practicing the skill, plus trying various medications. Not to mention a couple of job losses during covid.
The fun combo of adhd and anxiety made this a necessity if I wanted to generally enjoy life.
The ability to not worry about shit sounds simple, but it is much easier said than done. It’s like a muscle that you have to exercise and build up.
Here are the elevator pitched for three topics that helped me:
Mediation/mindfulness: I listened to some Buddhist talks, and liked the way some of them explained focusing on your breath and stepping back to observe your own emotions without embracing those feelings at the time. And you have compassion for yourself, and not judge things negatively. Just observe what is. It’s something you can practice at any time, and the more you do it, the more you can stay in that state while doing other things. There is also a big component of controlling your desires, because those are often a big component of suffering.
Philosophy: around the same time, I was reading stoic philosophy. Marcus Aurelius is the big name there. The bottom line is that regardless of what happens to you, the way that you internally process it and react to it is what really determines how it affects your life & mental state. So with practice, time, and sometimes medication, you are more and more in control of your mental state and how things affect you.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): The world around you is what it is, so instead of worrying about things you can’t control, you accept the true state of things and then filter that through your personal values to decide how to act.
Some common themes here, to be sure. Along with being able to better control your thoughts and emotions, it’s about finding contentment and tranquility in whatever your life looks like. Not because everything is great, but because your mental state is much more important than reacting how you “should” react.
I just wanted to say I appreciate the way you wrote this and didn’t hide the fact it’s taken you a lot of work, and is an ongoing practice. I see these types of things get suggested far too often without that context. “Just meditate” really takes away from how much discipline over years or a lifetime it takes. There’s nothing easy or quick about it, and it takes a lot of courage to keep it up.
Thanks, I appreciate your reply!
And yeah, I guess it’s easy to gloss over the ongoing nature sometimes. People think “how do I fix myself” but there isn’t ever a fix. There are incremental improvements as long as you’re working at it. But then one day, you look back and realize it has accumulated into a big difference.
My brain:
Do you have a problem? -> No -> FREAK OUT!
Do you have a problem? -> No -> Create a problem
Do you have a problem? If yes, then it should consume your thoughts so you don’t have any ability to think of a solution… If no, then you must’ve forgotten something…
Do you have a problem?
Yes
Can you do something about it?
I DONT KNOW
P A N I K
Except for the Yes -> Then Don’t Worry part. If there is something that can be done then it should probably be done. Which will take time/effort/expense/cooperation.
Agreed but I think the implication is more “if you can do something about it, then there’s nothing to worry about.”
That’s the entire joke lol
Which I was explaining to the person I replied to. It’s not like I didn’t get it.
Explaining this diagram to a guy in the middle of a plane crash, but he just keeps screaming and pounding at the windows.
In the afterlife, first thing he’ll say is 'Don’t EVEN say it…"
I dont wanna worry, i really dont.
i wish it would be like that.
I may not be able to do anything for certain things but they are exactly what is really doing me in right now, how am i supposed to NOT worry.
You’re homeless, just buy a house.
You’re sick, just stop.
You’re sad, just don’t.
You’re depressed, just be happy.
Duh
Vomiting into the toilet with zen tranquility, because I understand why seven tequilas was a mistake and am simply undergoing the aftermath of my decision.
Staring down the barrel of a gun and experiencing perfect serenity because the universe is beyond my control.
Strapped to a chair and having my fingers tenderized with a meat mallet, but its okay, because all my available decisions have been made.
Literally on fire, but this is fine, because there’s nothing around to put me out.
The mind is a powerful thing. So is reality. It’s important to strike a balance.
Yeah, sometimes life be like that.
One thing that has helped me is to figure out what the consequences are for failure. If I don’t pay my credit card bill, my credit will get dinged and I may have to deal with a lawsuit some months down the road for failure to pay. Or if I don’t pay my rent, I’ll be kicked out and need to stay with friends or go to the local homeless shelter. Even if the consequences really suck, knowing what they are helps me stop worrying about what they could be.
The next step is to take a small step toward solving the problem. Maybe I can’t financially handle losing my job today, but I can save a little cash so I’ll be able to handle losing it in a few months. Making some progress feels good, even if the progress is slow. Keep coming up with a baby step toward a solution and you’ll eventually get there. Maybe you save some cash this month, then spend the cash on something to help you save more next month (e.g. maybe buy a staple in bulk to save per unit).
This is how I think, but my girlfriend doesn’t, so sometimes it’s really frustrating. I think she is addicted to worrying.
It can be difficult. My partner has anxiety all the time and it is hard to impart the sense of security and stability that I have to her.
Yeah anxiety is a curse. And “just stop worrying” doesn’t help.
Exactly, I’ve worked so hard and come so far to reach peace. It feels impossible to retrace all those steps with someone who’s barely willing. But at least I can be her stability.
Yup, we’re the same way. My SO keeps worrying, “what if X happens? What if Y happens?” and they don’t seem to like my answer of, “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” We’re quite stable financially, so we’re prepared to handle pretty much any surprise, yet she still worries about random things.
I think some people are just predisposed to anxiety. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that.
Yeah we also have money to handle if something surprising happens, but somehow it doesn’t help her worries either.
It’s not every day she worries, but when she does, it’s a bit exhausting to listen to, specially since there isn’t any action to take to fix it.
Yup, we have the exact same problem.
I’ve found, “I don’t know, let’s look into it” to be pretty effective at switching from worrying to problem solving, and as we go, my SO will usually get over the worrying and apologize for being dramatic. It doesn’t always work, but maybe it’s worth a shot.
Yeah you are right, that works for me too. I guess what she really wants is someone to just listen and be supportive, and not necessarily solve the problem (since it can’t be solved also).
Sometimes they want to be validated, sometimes they want to be assured that it’s going to be okay. And I’m bad at telling which is which.
