Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
Look, king. You are not responsible for her mental illnesses the same way nobody else is responsible for any of ours.
That being said, yes you really should be ready to shoot something trying to enter your house without your consent. That is not an idea incompatible with de-escalation.
She wants out, and is using this as an excuse to drive a wedge.
Two things. One, she needs help I agree. Two, this sounds really manipulative and suspect. Proceed with caution. I’m not sure sticking this one out is a good call.
I would say break up, but you have a problem here with the apartment. It’s new. You are both on it. If you decide to break it off, make sure you have a way to deal with this.
You have a gift right now because you have a girlfriend, not a wife. Don’t rush in giving that gift up.
That seems odd to me. I’m in a loving relationship around the same length, and neither of us would have approached it any differently than you.
I think her recommendation to not propose yet is a solid one. I’m not the one to shout red flag and leave her as I know nothing about you two’s backgrounds but that certainly is a little sus on her part.
Yeah, in hindsight I think she might have been speaking in the sense that for my sake I shouldn’t propose right now.
Oh I’m sure that’s what she meant but it’s even better advice if you flip it around
Yeah, there are a lot of red flags here. As you mentioned, she’s willing to throw away a two-year relationship with someone she was considering marrying because of a look. On top of that, she seems to measure your masculinity by how quickly you become aggressive, which is a huge problem (unless you want to spend the rest of your life fighting every guy that looks at her). Also, the way she’s framing delaying the proposal sounds like it’s meant to hurt you (though I wasn’t there, so you’d know better than me).
It’s your relationship, so I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but you’re not crazy, her reaction was not normal. You’ve also put two years into this relationship, so I wouldn’t be too quick to throw that away either, but if you don’t like how you’re being treated you shouldn’t disregard that. If I were you I would sit down, think about what you want and what you won’t put up with, and then talk to her.
What a sexist, despicable attitude. She is as responsible for security and defense as you are.
she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
Wow, she’s so generous, she might still LET you propose to her. Life and relationship is never about one person fulfilling a role for another. She basically wants you to be a knight to her princess. You can’t ever have needs or fears of your own, because she simply is higher up in this relationship. You need to EARN her love.
You don’t want to deal with an entitled person everyday, thats called retail work and people don’t like it.
Fuck that patriarchal bullshit, dump her
Take everything people here say with a grain of salt. We don’t know your relationships history, nor are we going to be able to get the full truth from both of your perspectives.
That said, it sounds like there is definitely more going on in your relationship than just that event and her cycle. Yeah, maybe it would have been best for you to get out of bed and go check things out, but I’d say it’s more likely that you didn’t see how she was feeling from that experience which is the real problem. You might be experiencing a communication breakdown.
Don’t give up hope if you just recently started having these thoughts about ending the relationship. Even good relationships have low points. Keep the communication flowing. Keep friends around so the conversation can be light-hearted at times. Forgive everything that’s forgivable. Maybe talk with a therapist or counselor (it’s gotten cheaper). Find a way to take the edge off that’s not harmful because you’re probably really stressed.
There’s no magic bullet to fixing this situation. It’s gonna take some effort to work things out. Best of luck
Edit: you should also talk to the landlord about maintenance being in your house while you’re sleeping. That really shouldn’t happen.
I understand that. It’s hard to capture the depth of relationships on some forum. I’ll just say that we’ve both been through some difficult things, but we’ve supported each other. The past year or so, though, she’s been going through a lot more (relatives dying, dad now in prison, etc.) , and I’ve stepped up to the best of my ability.
Though she wants me to communicate more about how I’m doing, and she actually likes it when I do so, I just don’t have the time or emotional energy to do that and still be present for her. It’s a definite lose-lose. Because I know she’s not really in a good state to have me be vulnerable on the way she likes, but by not being vulnerable, she feels like I don’t trust her.
I try to approach this (and all my relationships) with a strong understanding that people aren’t perfect. We fuck up, make mistakes, and have to learn from them. Sometimes she doesn’t have that same grace. She holds waayyy more grudges than I do. I essentially do a monthly ritual of forgiving her for lashing out a bit when her cycle is on or her psychiatrist doesn’t give her a refill for her anxiety meds on time. But my mistakes are usually harder for her to move past. She does eventually, but nowhere near as often.
I am looking for a therapist for myself right now, actually. I think at least ironing out how I’m feeling before I approach what happened with her is important.
Oof. I’d be going completely insane in her situation most likely. I can see the comparison she made to her dad as coming from wanting him back badly, though maybe it’s coming out in a more subconscious way that she’s not realizing directly.
I don’t want to be an asshole to you, but some of the ways you seem to think about her I think are potentially harmful to both of you. “waayyy more grudges” really isn’t the most loving way you can be thinking about her expressions and attitudes, though I get you’re probably being a bit hyperbolic about it. So again, a bit of destressing might help clear your head about things.
I would definitely suggest you stick to the idea of talking things out with a therapist or similar before you have any real talks about this with her. The way you said some of those things can be taken as a deeply personal attack to someone who’s suffering emotionally.
Have you considered couples counseling?
After only being together for two years? When they’re not even engaged?
Some relationships are worth fighting for. This doesn’t sound like one of those.
If you can afford it easily, it might just clear up some miscommunication or misconceptions before getting engaged.
How is engagement status relevant? And how is a 2 year relationship not worth making an effort to keep?
Would a 6 month relationship where the couple is married be worth counselling?
I’m curious to know if you have a formula. Is marriage like a 3x relationship multiplier?
She’s holding the prospect of engagement over his head. I don’t have a “formula”; but from the way op described things, counseling wouldn’t be worth the effort.
Sure! Why not? My girlfriend and I do it when we have communication issues. We have insurance, and can easily afford the copays.
If it works for you two, great! I’m not against the idea in general. It just doesn’t seem worthwhile in OPs case.
Tell her that the incident with the maintenance guy has made you consider her safety in a new way. Go on to say that because of that you will be buying a gun. Go over your new procedure for unexpected visitors which includes her designated hiding spot inside of a 1/2" AR500 box and establishing a defensive position which covers all angles of attack. You will be conducting perimeter sweeps every 15 minutes while she sleeps and every 30 minutes when she is awake. You will start working out every day until you can bench 300 pounds and crush a coconut in any joint.
Or maybe talk to her about what happened and explain your concerns in regards to what she said and have a calm adult conversation where you both can come to an understanding of each other’s perspective and expectations which you can then determine what improvements to the relationship can be made.
Sounds like she’s just finding excuses and this will only escalate. Today she’s trying to emasculate you, tomorrow…? Find someone that loves you for you.
