• @MDKAOD@lemmy.ml
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    92 years ago

    I have recently tested positive for a dozen different autoimmune issues. I went from a sharp 38 year old to a 40 year old who struggles with concentration. As a small business owner, it scares the hell out of me because I there is a lot riding on me to maintain the success of my business.

    It’s terrifying.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      12 years ago

      A dozen? I have a few and could offer advice from time to time… does the list include MS?

      • @MDKAOD@lemmy.ml
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        32 years ago

        Not yet. Almost 100% going to be an SLE (Lupus) diagnosis, but I’ve been subject to a battery of blood tests (seriously, I’m like 40 tubes in at this point) and hitting for everything from cryoglobulenemia, to sclerederma (ANA). It’s just super disheartening to see a new test added to a retest order only for the new test to show positive as well as the retest. However, I don’t believe we’ve ruled out MS yet and I know MS presents weirdly in men.

  • @lynny@lemmy.world
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    52 years ago

    I’m sick of how unhinged people get about trans people, especially from those in the left. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my identity invalidated by people simply because I disagree with them on something socially or politically. These people claim to be my allies but the moment I don’t fit their stereotype of a trans person it’s like I’m not even a person to them anymore.

    What those kinds of people have done to my brother as well pisses me off to no end. It’s disgusting how a political group claims to be your friend only to try and harm you if you don’t act the way they want you to. That’s what abusers and cultists do.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      22 years ago

      I’m not trans but this matches a lot of what I’ve seen with people I know. My brother is trans (FtM) and has experienced a lot of taunting even before coming out as trans, in fact ironically it was the bullying for his masculine aspects which made him grasp he was trans. Recently he got banned from the LGBT capital of the internet and I have become convinced by him and talking about him that it was covert discrimination, and it has thrown him into a state of being so afraid of being judged for it he’s now lowkey agoraphobic. Another person I know was disowned for it and a third person, an author I idolize whose invited me into her social circle, has given up on clarifying herself and I’m always explaining things to other people. As Aragorn famously says, you have my sword.

      • @lynny@lemmy.world
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        22 years ago

        Thanks. I’ve noticed there’s many LGBT people in general who seem to feel this way, so it’s always nice to hear from others who do too.

  • @GrayBackgroundMusic@lemm.ee
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    22 years ago

    I feel like there are no happy options for me. There are only least-bad. I have a million different ways to spend my time and energy and they’re mostly lesser-evil choices. If I do the things I want to do, then my family suffers. If I do the things my family wants/needs to do, then I suffer. Regardless, a large majority of my decisions are filled with suffering. I don’t see any end to this.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      22 years ago

      I too find myself weighing a lot of pros and cons. It helps to have a mental idea of what your ethical code is.

  • Carlos Solís
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    22 years ago

    Being expected to somehow lift my own bootstraps, and being treated as a burden for not being able to fix myself unassisted.

  • @Mcballs1234@lemmy.ml
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    22 years ago

    Its hard to put my feelings into text because my depression stems from all over the place.

    A major fraction of my depression comes from my ex being toxic to me and my friends. She would ignore me most days when I would try to reach out to her and even when I was with her in person she would still ignore me this hurt me really bad because at the time I really missed her until I found out she was talking shit behind my back while I was away in Egypt and I only found out after the break up. During the relationship she would call me and come to the phone crying and would tell me her father and mother are fighting again, I would clam her down and comfort her and try to make her feel better, but sometimes I would come to the phone crying and feeling down and I was left in the dust by myself.

    Every time we talk she would try to put me in my place and try to talk me down, I really didn’t noticed she did that until after the relationship. The relationship ship was one sided and I would always try to make it better by reaching out to her and taking her on dates, but I feel used. And another thing after the break up she told the school that I was going to shoot it up and before I was called down to the principals’s office I got a really weird text message from her

    “Hey can you stop bring people into it your making it worse and not making anything better if you wanted something back you could’ve just texted me. If you don’t stop imma afraid I will have to report it” this was during lunch were my friend A was pissed off about the fact my ex said bad things to her about me, I don’t remember what was said because I was at another table with the bois. When I was at the principals office he was really trying to watch his words, after my talk with the principal my ex’s parents came into the office and I was like oh shit and the principal said hurry up, It was an oh shit moment then the principal shoves me into the library WHERE MY EX AND HER TOXIC FRIEND WAS. keep in mind during the relationship my ex is an adult and I’m still a minor.

    Theres a lot more I could go into but for being a first relationship it tis a piece of shit. This is the main thing I wanted to get out, but theres more things I could type, but I’m tired.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      22 years ago

      I sincerely hope you find someone good. I admire that you’re still willing to try your best as a human even when things uphill. People like that deserve the best.

  • @Zikeji@programming.dev
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    22 years ago

    I’ve been depressed as long as my memory goes back. It was less severe back then, but anyone that learned of it always gave me advice that I’d try and it wouldn’t help, and then one day that advice made it worse.

    The quintessential “go to the gym, it’ll produce hormones that make it better.”. On paper, it looked like a plan, in addition to my lifelong depression I have lifelong insomnia. Working out should exhaust me and make me tired, right?

    Well, I committed for half a year. I changed up schedules but always was there no less than an hour (usually an hour and a half), and would focus on both cardio and strength training. Did I mention I was fat? Sorry, am fat.

    One of the first things I noticed was no matter how hard I pushed myself it didn’t help me sleep. In fact, it made me wired and gave me near constant sleep paralysis. My brain would be awake but my body? Exhausted. It also didn’t help with my weight, despite dieting, but that was most likely just due to replacing far with muscle.

    But nonetheless I pushed on. Until one day I was on elliptical and pushed my leg a little too… far? I felt a pop and then immense pain. I managed to make it home without help. Cut forward a month and I’ve spent thousands of dollars on figuring it out. Turns out? Herniated disc. Which means it probably wasn’t caused by the gym and merely triggered there.

    My life transition from working out for half a year to physical therapy for half a year. I was miserable and in pain constantly. Finally, I had enough, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and some days I was bedridden from the pain - but being in bed didn’t alleviate the pain.

    I quit physical therapy, and within a week the pain was gone. I discovered that those basic exercises made the issue worse, and just stopping 99% of my physical activity erased the pain.

    I floated for a year, slowly learning the new nuances of my life. I had sold my motorcycle ages ago because riding it put pressure on my spine. Couldn’t play volleyball or other sports with family for the same reason.

    Most days were fine, some days I’d “wake up on the wrong side of bed” and be in pain for the day. I developed type 2 diabetes and NAFLD. I got fired from my job for tardiness because I missed a few days due to the pain. Yes, I explained that. And me missing it has no impact on them either, just “set a bad example”. Sure, I could probably have pursued something but when you’re finding the motivation to get out of bed more difficult by the day, extracurricular stuff like that is a ways away.

    Other stuff happened, I got a new job, fully remote (before COVID), my 3rd floor apartment flooded and my landlord tried to screw me over (fortunately my new boss is a lawyer and gave me great advice and confidence).

    The back pain episodes are getting more frequent, a couple years ago I had a two week span of back pain so intense I would have killed myself, but I couldn’t actually get into a position to try. Dragging myself to the toilet, and then up onto it, is not a confidence inducing experience.

    All this started when I was 21. I’m 27 now and my health is getting worse. Found out I was ADHD (I think) which may have explained why I was depressed as a kid, but that ADHD is also drug resistant. Since moving after the flood I haven’t been to my regular doctor appointments, nor eye doctor, nor dental. I have insurance and can afford the basics but the overwhelming thought of trying to identify a doctor close to me to fill each niche holds me back. My T2 diabetes has been untreated for years. I have property taxes due sometime later this year I won’t be able to afford, I need to find contract work or something to earn a little extra income but I just want to shut down. I do my best to visit family and appear functional.

    And this is before you compound all the other stuff going on IRL. War, undeniable climate change, plastic infiltrating everything, capitalism thinking everything. It’s just exhausting, and sometimes I have to wonder - did I just end up in hell at some point and this is what it is? The day I finally die I’ll start over, doomed to repeat this? I make it worse for myself by comparing my suffering to other’s, invalidating my own suffering because others have it worse.

    The best it seems I can do is find things to distract me. And work at my job I’ve considered my lifeline since I got it. But I’m tired. So very tired.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      12 years ago

      If good vibe hormones are an advertising point for any gym, I’d definitely be asking for a refund from them.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      22 years ago

      On my screen it says “deleted by creator”. I hope this commenter whose comment was deleted is alright :(

      • @nom_nom@lemmy.ml
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        22 years ago

        Yes, thank you :) It’s just that after writing it down and reading it back to myself, I genuinely realized it wasn’t a big deal. Life is unfair, but paradoxically it’s also equally unfair to everyone, although it can seem that your life particularly sucks. Not to take away from the genuine tragedies some people are experiencing, but sometimes it seems just writing it down can help you resolve the magnitude of the issue to some degree, and make you grateful for the good things in your life. This whole thread has been great self-therapy. Much love to everyone here.

  • @runarskoll@beehaw.org
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    42 years ago

    Right now I’m at a breaking point. I’ve been in therapy and medication which didn’t helped and I stopped them. I’ve also tried to increase my meditation practice which is now abandoned. I over examine my life and my past mistakes and dwell on the self-sorrow of being the only responsible for my failures. I feel like I’m only providing for my family and everyone, although they love me, only interact with me according to their needs. My partner is really sweet and close but like for 30 minutes a day when they are in between professional matters. My child who is now an adult is on they’re way to an independent life and only contacts me when they need some guidance or help (we’re really close but on those terms). I try to maintain a healthy appearance for them so that I don’t burden then. I want my child to be a healthy and happy adult. My parents came from poverty and I did the heavy-lifting for decades to bring us all to a more comfortable position, although they love me also they don’t have any way to help me, lessen my burden or even understand what I’m going through since they have their own health issues now and they’re not reflexive persons. I work a frustrating job which is kind of well paid and never got a chance to do what I love. I was raised as a coward and I’ve failed spectacularly to establish routines and habits which help me enjoy life. Right now I don’t enjoy anything and the only thing that keeps me “in the game” is to know the amount of suffering my loss would represent to my family.

    At some point I wanted to become a writer but with the passing of the years I felt my abilities to fade and nowadays I can’t even maintain a blog without deleting everything I write because it sounds selfish, stupid and childish.

    I still love to read and I workout regularly. The first is still a passion, the second an obligation. I’m almost 50.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      12 years ago

      As someone who writes myself, I would like to assure you that you can still become a writer. Some people write in (I guess this is what they’re called) “writing bands”, like rock bands but with writers instead of singers or guitarists. No writer is perfect, we all have periods of fluctuating writer’s block, brain fog, depression, economic hardship, etc. and the idea of a writer’s band is similar to a wolf pack; the writers share ideas and help feed each others’ minds and sometimes share copyrights and then distribute the funds amongst themselves equally.

  • @Notsosupermario@lemmy.world
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    2 years ago

    Trying for a baby for two an a half years now without success. Started IVF but the first embryo transplant failed. We are lucky we are relatively young and healthy but it sucks that we can’t conceive in a normal way (even though we don’t know why) and we have a lot of embryo’s still in the freezer. It sucks so much and everyone around me just have to look at each other and they’re pregnant. I feel so strongly it’s never going to happen for us.

    • @megsmagik@feddit.it
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      42 years ago

      I can understand, I’m not so young and my husband is even older, we don’t have a family, just each other so we wanted a child so much… but I have a chronic illness so I’m starting to think that it will never happen… and I’m angry and jealous of all the people who have kids “just because” or by accident!

      • @Notsosupermario@lemmy.world
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        22 years ago

        Yes it’s so hard and so unfair. So many people around me just accidentally get pregnant and I just can’t be happy for them anymore. The worst part is no one can promise you it’s going to be okay, they can’t even give us the odds IVF will work for us.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      12 years ago

      I know this might sound cliché, but is adoption considerable? Not that it always is, I know sometimes a government makes you depend on agencies that hurt the act of adoption or that it’s a wildcard or nothing is available, but as an aunt to foster children, I can say there is nothing that feels better.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      22 years ago

      That’s horrible. A friend of mine went through this with his siblings too, so I recognize this problem very well. Are you in the US by any chance (and what state)?

  • @j12345@boulder.ly
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    432 years ago

    I wanna start by saying I’m not under it these days but I’ve been in the hole. ironically it’s precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I’d even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I’d try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don’t think weird. But it feels to me like people don’t trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I’m not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don’t remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn’t fit in well. Like I’m invisible.

    It’s been about 10 years like this now. And I’m starting to get, I don’t know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I’m roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.

    • Hangry
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      182 years ago

      Without going into too much details, I’d say that I am in a situation reeaaaaaaaaaally close to yours. You may feel invisible, but I see you. Thank you for sharing.

    • Bibliotectress
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      62 years ago

      I understand feeling a little off, a little bit outside of everything and everyone. I feel like I’ve never been anyone’s #1 choice to spend time with. Not my family, friends, husband, or kids. Never. It gets to me, even though I get it and don’t want to spend time with myself either. It’s tough. I hope you can find a good group of friends that you click with and can at least have fun experiences, even if you have periods of being alone in between.

      Also, for the record, the weird dudes have no idea they’re weird. If you’re conscious about how you approach people, I’m already 100% sure you’re not the problem. As we get older, everyone’s lives are so busy and already entrenched in whatever they have going on that it’s tougher to make deep friendships. Although I do see it happen again in the retired crowd. I like to go salsa dancing sometimes (well… I did last year. I don’t find joy in anything right now tbh), and most of the others that go are in their 50s+, with a lot in their 60s and 70s. So I guess life doesn’t end at 40 after all?

      Good luck, internet stranger.

    • @GingerPale@lemmy.world
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      72 years ago

      I feel this so hard. I’m in a great marriage and I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, but I have almost no friends. I have some in passing, but no one I would feel comfortable calling if things went south. It’s an awful feeling. I reached out to a handful of people on social media to reconnect and didn’t hear back from any of them. Being a middle aged man, myself, it feels like people are very wary of someone my age having not found his “tribe” yet. Like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t have a group. It sucks.

    • @Hypnotized@lemm.ee
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      2 years ago

      I read somewhere that it takes around 150 hours of interaction to generate that bond of friendship between men.

      That seems both a small number and a very daunting one given how many people live relative isolation today. Someone might say, join a club and make friends, but if that number is right that’s an hour long weekly meetup for three years.

    • @explodIng_lIme@lemmy.world
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      42 years ago

      I feel you mate. Not there yet though I can see this happening to me in the future. Trying my best to build a strong group of friends around me. I hope it’ll be enough to not become a hermit with neighbours.

  • trimmerfrost
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    2 years ago
    • Constantly nagging unhelpful family
    • Social anxiety
    • Degrading health
    • About to fail my college
    • No direction
    • @galaxies_collide@lemmy.world
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      2 years ago

      Talk to your University counseling services. They can likely help waive failed credits for diagnosed mental health issues, since they qualify as a disability. You can also possibly get accommodations such as extended due dates, etc, if you have continued mental health issues. Even without accommodations or getting credits waived, utilizing the counseling services for therapy or psychiatry can likely help a lot. There’s a lot of options and services likely available for you that you may not know about. I would have dropped out of college if I hadn’t started going to University counseling and I had failed several classes due to anxiety and depression. Seeing a therapist turned that all around and I was able to graduate and only had to take one extra semester. Hang in there!

  • @ttk@feddit.de
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    172 years ago
    • a not fulfilling job
    • extra stress because we are currently planning our wedding
    • climate change
  • @ELI70@lemmy.run
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    22 years ago

    That there is karma and mods on lemmy. The community should have full control and no mods. Karma should be banned as a way to enforce conformity and a highly toxic.

    • Call me Lenny/LeniOP
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      12 years ago

      One idea I used to say on Reddit about karma is, instead of it being an upvote/downvote system, I would suggest a system like Newgrounds has where it’s all specific moods, so people can distinguish between downvoting someone for malice versus downvoting someone for disagreement, etc. As for the mods, I think they can be good but there should be a system of ensuring if mods are being double-standard-ish or not.