Background+rant: I’m in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I’m not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to “grow up and leave the nest”.
Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I’m independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.
Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I’m living at home, like I’m admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I’m planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can’t help but feel like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.
Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I’m interested in seeing what others have to say.
From a Hispanic perspective, it’s normal to live with parents until late twenties. However, as an American I can tell you it’s weird past 25ish. There is a higher likelihood you won’t have normal adult interactions and experiences of you live with your parents.
I GTFO’d at 17, as soon as I could. I was only able to do this because some friends needed a roommate for a little bit, but I was so happy to be out and on my own.
As soon as I turned 18, my dad moved out and suddenly I was 100% responsible for all the bills and all my survival. He discussed nothing with me. One day he was simply gone.
Realizing I was at a huge disadvantage struggling for survival starting from the very bottom, age 19 I joined the Army. Job, food, shelter, full medical benefits and retirement package, they took good care of us.
If you can bear your parents, don’t move out. Would you bet that half of your coworkers live with their parents?
“Moving out” in an idealised event that just does not make sense anymore today.
I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent
Nothing wrong with living with your folks for any reason at all. But if they won’t let you contribute fully to the household expenses, put that extra cash into a savings account so that you have a deposit when you need it and so that you get used to having a real-world level of disposable income.
In the meantime, make sure you pull your weight at home. I used to have my dad on the phone in tears every week because my brother was living with him but barely even speaking in passing. If you’re living with them, you must make sure they’re getting your help and your company in return. It needs to be a good arrangement for all of you.
Pay them some rent.
When you do finally move out you’ll need to be used to putting that out. If your relationship with them is as good as you say it is they might tuck it away for you.
If you’re living a home and not paying rent you better be saving up for a down payment on a house.
But to answer your question, I moved out when I was 25 and I felt that was a little old to still be at home. But it will depend a lot on individual circumstances.
I’m conflicted with myself. As I personally don’t see the issue with living with my family or other relatives. Especially with the cost of living being as high as it is now, it’s nice to not have to pay rent. I do get the freedom argument, however I think that it held more value 30-40 years ago when the economy was different. Now… Dunno I guess I just find more value in not being bound by 1000$ a month rent.
I’d put it this way: how much pressure do you personally feel to strike out on your own? I don’t mean how much pressure people might be putting on you - I mean how much of you wants to GTFO?
I left home at 19, against my parent’s wishes - but that’s because I was going stark crazy at home, and needed to get out into the world and knocked around a bit. If you don’t feel that kind of pressure, and your family is amenable to the situation, then I wouldn’t worry about it. Make sure you’re not a burden by contributing and helping out where you can, but there’s no shame in living with your parents as an adult, particularly these days.
Correction: There is no shame in living with your parents as an adult - emphasis on the adult part. You contribute what’s necessary, you take care of what you need to take care of, etc. There is shame in being an overgrown manchild, where mommy and daddy are the ones taking care of you (when that reasonably shouldn’t be the case - folks with disabilities, etc. don’t fall into this group). It sounds like you fall in the former category, so you’re good IMO.
We haven’t seen this ‘them and us’ financial divide for a century or more.
In those times generations of families lived together. Until there’s another reset to allow the middle classes to thrive again, this is the new normal.
That said, the middle classes have been being silly and trying to keep up with each other and bankrupting themselves. Houses are at very high prices because people will pay higher prices: both parties in a relationship working and paying someone else, school or nanny, or child care to parent their kids. A divorced couple or a high proportion of singles needs double the number of houses as a couple. Leasing brand new cars. Eating out or takeaway every night … bigger and bigger government. It all costs.
Add in stupid net zero emissions policy for tiny nations like the UK, rather than tackle the real polluting nations and you’ve got kids living at home looking after elderly parents until they die and they can have a house to themselves.
The number of children per household many nations have is already well below replacement rate. So at least you won’t be battling for mum and dad’s house with your sibling. Look on the bright side! 😁
You were doing so well until your net zero emissions non sequitur
I think just do what feels good to you. As long as you’re contributing to bills, cooking some meals and doing your own laundry etc you’re not stunting yourself by being there.
If you get along and love them, and you pitch in with a modest rent and chores and cooking, honestly I think we should live longer with our parents.
There is a heartbreaking statistic that is something like when you move out of your parents house you will have spent like 90% of the time you will ever spend with them (or some other very high number).
I lived with my parents until 30 and now moved to another country to study, but sometimes feel very sad that I don’t live with them anymore. So much so that when I am done with my education I will move back CLOSE to where they live, and probably overnight frequently if it makes sense.
All of this probably changes if you settle down and start a family, of course.
You know you have overstayed your welcome when your 70 year old mom gets the police to throw you and your lazy ass brother out, while complaining that she had to do all the chores, cooking and pay all the bills (This happened to some Italian men not long ago).
Just make sure you move out many years before that, and help your dear old mother.
I would say there’s no age where it’s shameful exactly, but around age 30 I would start to feel bad for someone in that situation since it probably means they are putting a lot of their life on hold and their economic opportunities are very slim.
On the other hand, if someone has the means to live on their own (whatever that may mean for their location), I would consider it shameful beyond the age of like 24. Because in that case you are making a choice to not strike out on your own and develop valuable life skills when you could be supporting yourself.
As a Gen X , I could not escape my Boomer parents home fast enough. But The younger generations get better and better and if my son needed to move home we would both be very cool with it. Who care what everyone else says and does, you do you and choose happiness bud.
Exactly the same here. I moved into a shitty basement apartment with only 2 working burners on the stove and a bedroom closet that would flood 3" deep whenever we had a heavy rain. But I didn’t care because I was independent! All my choices were my own and I finally felt like I could breathe.
At whatever age you can finally afford it. Which is never. Get that home inherented. It’s your only hope.
