(when seated in a group with others, i should clarify. if i’m by myself i’m absolutely happy to be on my phone or book)
i genuinely have an issue. it’s like…there’s people on all sides. i need to rest my eyes somewhere, esp in a social setting which is already inherently a bit wearing
- if you look down at your food, you look sad or disinterested or whatever
- if you look at the ceiling that’s insane, isn’t it?
so that’s down and up out. let’s look at:
- the sides, which have people there or nearly there, or obscuring the view of a nice window or painting, and you can’t stare at people.
fuck fuck fuck. what about:
- the center. oh no. this is the nightmare zone. let’s break it down into 3 sections: the top contains their face, that’s quite insane to look at. downwards, the table across from you with their food, that could seem like you’re looking at their body very intently, can’t do that. the middle? if it’s a woman, then that’s very much bad form. but if you’re a guy generally attracted to women, part of your brain wants to look no matter what, at least a little. and since when you’re sitting, forward is the most natural direction to look (you can’t really turn around or move, particularly), so you keep coming back to it and AHH FUCK
fucking nightmare.
This post is amazing.
Look around, but don’t stare. Engage in conversation and use the “rules” for that.
look at your phone while waiting.
it doesn’t matter if the screen is on or not.
have a sip of water every now and then. now suddenly you look like a busy person!
You just sit there and stare at your phone like a normal person. Or you could take a book.
Holy shit I’m so glad I don’t have your brain OP
try just doing whatever you want
I usually either just look at whoever is talking at the moment, or at my food while I’m eating it. I’ve never gone out to eat with a group where no one was talking.
If someone enters your personal one meter radius, immediately maintain direct eye contact with them to assert control over your domain. Stare them down. Do not blink. Blinking is a sign of weakness. You must assert dominance over your territory or else (by law) the restaurant will kick you out to make way for its stronger patrons.
The correct answer is to find someone who isn’t facing towards you and stare at their back.
Alternatively, if you put your hand on your chin like you’re thinking of something, then you can stare at your food while looking like you’re thinking, instead of like you’re sad.
Sounds exhausting. How about the menu? Study it like there will be a test on it tomorrow.
Just don’t stare at one thing that long.
Look at your food when cutting it.
Look at others when talking in conversation. Keep at least half your eye contact on the person talking, but look at others for their reactions as well.
If there is something interesting between two people, rest your eyes there for a while.
People will notice long term staring more than short shifts
I think you need to stop looking at yourself.
Uncle Iroh?
Might as well look at your phone then, wherever you sit. It’s 2024, that’s considered normal these days right?
Or maybe, just maybe find a date to bring along with, and at least attempt to try holding a normal conversation and try getting to know each other.
Bro can’t even go to a restaurant without feeling awkward and you want them to go on a date?
and you can’t stare at people.
You can’t?
I can. :)
Look around for the person with the biggest tits. Rest your eyes there, whenever you don’t need them for your eating (I mean the eyes).
If they belong to a person of your preferred sex, you are lucky. Otherwise, do it anyway, just for practising.
Just look wherever, don’t overthink it.
You’re there to eat, as everyone else. It’s not like you have some instagram gym diva a table over that’s itching to publicly shame you.
I usually focus on my food, converse with the others i’m there with and occasionally look around to see if someone ordered something i want too.
If people take offense in that, so be it. Go be offended.
(Not an insult) i assume you’re autistic or have some autistic traits, so maybe people in the autism forums could help too.
Generally you can look at anything and everything you want to look at, but just don’t do it for more than a few seconds in a row.
Like for example if there’s two of you at a table and you’re having a conservation then it would go something like this. look in you tablemate’s eyes for 3-5 seconds, then look at your plate for a few seconds while you’re using your utensils on your food, then look in your tablemate’s eyes for another 3-5 seconds, then look at the wall decor for a few seconds, then back at your tablemate’s eyes for a few seconds, then back on your plate to look at what you’re eating for a few seconds, then back to your tablemate’s eyes again for a few seconds. Now that i talk it out, i think it’s right for about every other look to be at your tablemate’s eyes.
Basically it’s the same as any situation where you’re having a conversation with someone. Look at their eyes for a few seconds, then look at something else for a couple seconds, then look back at their eyes again for a few seconds.
I also think this. Am I autistic? I feel like normal people think these thoughts too. Any normal people here to verify?
Most people don’t consciously think about these things very often at all. Generally there’s only a very occasional sudden realization that you’ve been starting at a person’s eyes for a bit too long and so look away for a moment. But really this is only a very very occasional thing. We almost never consciously think “ok where should i point my eyes now?”
Or at least that’s how it is for me. I guess I’m assuming that’s how it is for most people too.
No diagnosis here, is that normie enough? We all have the spotlight effect, some more than others. Autism symptoms or diagnosis just point you in a viable direction for effective help.
Eye contact isn’t so bad, as written here already: quick smile or nod that acknowledged the eye contact, then scan to the next point of Interest or head. I basically keep looking around all the time, unless my dinner date is speaking to me or visa versa, then I try to maintain contact at the table. Looking at you plate isnt so bad either.
The bad thing is staring, even more so if your gaze is not empty but clearly with intent. You can always fake ‘coming back’ from staring if this happens, move your face in a way that eludes the feeling you just ‘woke up’ from a stare, smile apologetically, move your gaze to the next item.
This might feel like a lot of work in the beginning, but you only just started and have been practicing awkward gazes all your life ^^ , so feeling a bit outside of your comfort zone is to be expected when trying these new things.
I can’t do eye contact. I feel it’s very strange. But my friend told me that was kinda normal.
I am definitely not “normal”, but I do not think in autistic. I however have extreme social anxiety and I do think thoughts like the OP. So I think you can feel that way for more than one reason, be it autism or social anxiety or whatever
there are no normal people here, but I can say I don’t have to think about where I’m looking all the time. well, I sometimes have to catch myself not checking out cleavage.
I am normal (as far as I know) and sure, I think about things like this but the answer seems more obvious - I look at whatever has my attention at that moment. The flow of attention happens naturally, perhaps that is the difference. I think it’s important to remember a couple of things:
People are all focused on themselves more than you.
It’s fine to fake it. Social interaction at something like a group meal is a superficial thing, just do what everyone else is doing and ask a couple of questions, answer when someone speaks to you, enjoy the food.
No, this isn’t a typical thing people think about. Which is why it’s associated with autism, (social) anxiety, and/or ADHD. Now, it doesn’t mean you definitely have any of those, but it’s something to consider as part of a larger picture.
I suggest you pursue medical/therapeutic support if you find that this anxiety is negatively affecting how you live your life :)
I have ADHD and autism traits and I definitely have similar thoughts to op when I have to deal with unfamiliar situations. Like even a Drs appointment I have to mentally plan a conversation in my head about how they respond otherwise I’ll forget to mention things.
