down with cis
happy freaking pride month gang. just had the absolute stupidest night yesterday but it was also a lot of fun
I saw the most embarrassing and corporate pride recently that even had a booth for the cops there too lol. how are queer people okay with this?
I went to a pride event with a cop booth. Disgusting
A lot of places have a gay petite bourgeoisie at this point and that means there’s queer people influential in the community and in funding and organizing local prides who benefit from the violent protection of property earned through exploitation that is the actual purpose of having a police force. It’s in their class interest to be on good terms with the cops.
why do i keep getting so scared and nervous even just watching trans voice lessons on youtube? forget following along, i can’t even get myself to simply watch the videos, what the hell?
It’s hard, and it’s something you need to practice a lot over time. In general learning new skills is difficult to maintain. Especially if you’re not interested in the mechanics of voice and sound, it can be a slog.
Unlike doing HRT or hair removal, which we can just do and move on, voice training is something we feel we can fail at. So there’s the added anxiety of “I can’t do this” or “I’m fucking up so much” or “this isn’t actually me” or “this feels like a fake cartoon voice”.
It’s a looooong process. Trans voice lessons said that your new voice becomes natural when you use it on accident at least 50% of the time. I can’t even maintain it for an evening while trying, let alone doing it on accident lol.
All of these factors lead it to be anxiety inducing, imo.
HOWEVER, it’s also one of the things you can pretty much practice anywhere, and it’s free, so it’s a lot more accessible than other things. Also, it’s got me interested in singing, and I’m loving it.
It’s really fun hard. Took me a while and also I’m still no good at all
It’s terrifying and dysphoria inducing. Every person I know that attempted to voice train from these videos was terrified in some manner at some point, so don’t feel bad. I know it was difficult for myself as well.
I took voice lessons in person (my health insurance covers most of that) and i’ve never struggled with the usual stuff like dysphoria from listening to the recordings, i view my voice as an instrument and not as something that’s inherently part of me. But i had a breakdown at some point where i didn’t know if i want to go on and another moment where i really questioned which voice goals to set. I just reached the point eventually were i seriously wondered how much effort i want to put into passing when it isn’t needed for my own comfort - i don’t get dysphoria when my voice is in an androgynous range, so if i would go further than i am now, i would only be doing it for cis people, to assimilate into their weird, butchphobic notion of womanhood, and that just destroys all of my motivation to keep actually working on my voice, even though i’m one of the few trans people who actually enjoys voice training.
Damn, that’s pretty awesome. In that you never got dysphoria for doing it and that your insurance paid for it. That’s gotta be rare as hell.
Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy training it, but the videos would highlight my shortcomings and it would get to me from time to time. The actual changing the voice part was an interesting experience where it was fascinating to see how my voice would be altered with each added technique of modulating everything. However, I will say that I oft got mad at myself for missing the mark or dropping the new technique or what have you. Even to this day, where I’m probably a year past having reached where I needed to be, I’m still paranoid about failing to pass with my voice.
Speech therapy is actually one of the very few areas in German trans healthcare where accessibility and coverage aren’t a problem. But don’t get me started on laser hair removal.
Damn. That’s actually really cool. All insurances I’ve come across here in the States straight refuse to cover speech therapy. Laser hair removal is very iffy. Mine doesn’t, but my puppy wife’s did but only to remove hair for the bottom surgeries that required it.
I keep having bad experiences with it where my friends straight up don’t even notice I’m trying. I was talking with my friend and switched to a subtly “femme” voice while talking about the idea of voice training and this bitch turns to me with a bright smile and says “You should try your voice training right now” like i hadn’t already been doing for the last 45 seconds
my other friend told me “idk i just hear [my name]” when i tried switching. holy fuck i’m putting such effort and thought into what i’m saying and people straight up don’t fucking notice
Unfortunately, the first couple steps are not very noticeable. It takes mastering a lot of techniques to get to that point where it’s clearly different to those that hear your voice often. I think it took me around 2 or 3 months before people started to hear a difference. This is definitely a skill that requires a massive amount of effort and a massive amount of time investment. It’s hard af, but holy hells it is worth it.
Yeah, I’m struggling so hard with just getting properly started myself. I’ve spent the past three weeks doing some daily vocal exercises, then I found out a few days ago that they’re pretty much useless and based on incorrect information, so now I’m back to square one :(
I’m considering just paying for a few lessons with a voice coach, I don’t think I’m able to do this on my own
negative
Playing that game (AuDHD or Trans), and all of the examples can be explained away as AuDHD, and none of the obv. trans examples fit. Really hits that… imposter syndrome? That “Not trans™”
But here’s the thing… only trans people are worried about if they are actually transgender! A cisgender person does not have this obsession with their identity: they think about it, they process it, they move on. If you keep returning to these thoughts over and over again, this is your brain telling you that you took a wrong turn
I KNOW. But telling me doesn’t fucking work.
continued.
https://hexbear.net/comment/4670052
https://hexbear.net/comment/4904867
Chuckles and teary eyes.
continued.
Everything is either “I don’t know, I can’t feel my feelings, I’ve chalked this problem up to autism”, or it’s “that’s just autism”. The latter fitting this line:
That’s another problem with gender dysphoria: early on, you can come up with an alternate explanation for almost every symptom
I didn’t have emotions before and got some upon losing T btw.
continued.
One sticking point I come across a lot when I talk to questioning trans women is that they’ve paralyzed themselves with fear and are unwilling to act until they’ve solved the equation at the center of themselves and completely and fully accepted that they are, without a doubt, 100% trans.
To that end, it’s worth keeping in mind that you are not a puzzle to be solved
Or maybe it’s just OCD…
Maybe its just OCD?
I’m not saying you have OCD, but I think I have OCD and I know some people with OCD irrationally repeatedly question their sexuality or whatever more as intrusive thoughts than real feelings. People obsess about a wide range of things and I imagine gender could be one of them.
I personally don’t think I have that sort of gender OCD, I’m sure I’m nonbinary, but I do obsess about things related to gender.
Re personally: I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about the dysphoria I’d feel if I looked like other people around me, despite not feeling much dysphoria about myself. I’m currently way over thinking whether I want to continue hrt.
Starting I saw the TV Glow now, if I don’t cry in the next hour and 40 minutes I will officially be cis and the manner settled.
okay maybe tears were welling up a little bit but I’m sure I’m past the emotional part (30m~)
(I am now crying)
(1:20)
spoilers, si, sh, negativity about being trans (I'm not doing great folks)
after (main character) runs away from her at the football field and goes back to the movie theater
I can’t do this. I can’t run and I can’t go forward. I’m stuck and I’m drowning. I’m watching myself. I can’t live like this, and I can’t go forward. I want to die. Its too hard. Hexbear I can’t do this. I just want to sleep forever. I want to cut my wrists and watch myself bleed. Life is too hard. How can I have such an easy life and not be able to do it. I hate myself. I want to cut my neck. I can’t function. I’m awful. Life is hell.
I am not in any immediate physical danger. I’m not going to actually do anything,
Sorry. I just wish one of you could come here and hug me.
Took a break, felt numb and came back for the last 10 minutes.
spoiler
where they’re 20 years in the future and have a little freak out
It was good. Relatable. I feel really numb right now, Better then how I felt at my last comment though. Sorry for all the posts. I think I’m going to go smoke.
welp. just bit the bullet and bought a fancy ass IPL. hopefully this thing works
in other news, any idea how to start looking for a place to do laser/electrolysis? this body/facial hair shit sucks and i want to get rid of it. does anyone know where to find ones where i don’t have to lie about my name/gender?
Helps to ask trans folks in your community about chill electrologists and laser technicians! I also just called ahead or emailed to a few places and asked have you have done hair removal for transgender clients. It’s nerve wracking, for sure, but nice to vet folks before giving your time and money in person.
damn. where do i find how to talk to real ass trans people nearby? that’s just a generally good place to start for anything, really, but i haven’t done that yet
the lex app is like queer nextdoor with dating it’s pretty good i have found out abt so many events through it
See if you can find queer meetings in your area! I know a nearby city to me has weekly trans adult meetings at one of the community centers.
Do you have health insurance? You should ask them who they cover if you do
I thought it was incredibly unlikely to get hair removal covered, but if I can get it covered there’s no reason not to I guess
Depends on your state. If you are on the West Coast you probably can. I pay a 25 dollar copay for laser but seriously beats regular price.
Otherwise, I highly recommend you check out Groupon for laser. I’ve seen good discounts for packages that equal out to 50 dollar laser sessions which is relatively cheap for laser
holy fuck it’s been like 6 weeks now and i’m like 98% sure at this point they’ve grown somewhat holy fuck
First?
This morning i had a really rough time; i had an earring fall out and the hole is too swollen to put a replacement, some old lady tried to run me off the road because she couldnt stay in her land during a turn, and i forgot to take my pills. All of it accumulated into a scream from deep down. Usually when i scream it feels so “man” and just makes me feel even worse after, but this one felt very feminine rage yelling. Im not sure what was different but it actually felt nice to yell for the first time in forever.
My hair is still extremely short, I think I might be balding because the sun reflects off of that shit
body (sad)
deep hatred of having a vagina, fuck that
well anyway
is it bad if I wanna learn raqs sharqi? I need somebody who isnt me to tell me
Are you white? just don’t do it badly
yea
talking about dysphoria?
Sometimes I’m like, well maybe I’m not trans maybe I just want to shave and lose weight, that doesn’t make a person trans? And then I go out in public and I’m like :cri: god damn why don’t I look exactly like her.
Are you me?
I feel this… a lot
:kitty-cri:
:meow-hug:
My chud ex-coworker outed another of my ex-coworkers to me and my parents at the restaurant I used to work at. I had to text someone I haven’t had contact with in four years to let her know.
I really need a haircut, haven’t had one in about a decade. There’s nothing actually stopping me from getting a haircut, and there are tons of trans-friendly places here to get a haircut within walking distance, and I would probably look pretty adorable with bangs, and it would make it easier for me to wear my cute cosplay wigs without squeezing my brain…
BDD ranting
But I have such bad haircut anxiety. My dysmorphia goes so fucking nuts about my hair that I don’t even like my bf touching it. There’s nothing wrong with it, I have long pretty hair, but I still get worries that one day I’m just going to magically wake up looking like my dad even though I’m taking basically every medical measure to prevent that.
Anyways I think I’m gonna try and schedule something this weekend and then get really fucking stoned and hope the fun house clown mirror disease doesn’t ruin my day.
good luck!! it’s so scary messing with hair, but I think saying fuck it and just scheduling is the best way to break a multi-year build up of anxiety and stress about it
