I’m struggling to figure out how to make friends without having Instagram or any other social media. I have discord but don’t use it much. I see all my acquaintances in discord channels and sharing Instagram posts and stuff. It’s already hard for me to make friends, but I feel like not having any of the traditional social media means I’m not included in any of that stuff.
Do you just accept that Instagram and shit are the way people interact and use it?
Discord is social media. What you need, my friend, are hobbies. Or the meetup app. Or to just go look up events in your area and go to them. Hobbies work because then you can find other people locally who are also into your
fetishhobby.just dont.
But I’m really lonely and I think I need friends.
You aren’t the only one feeling that way, just put yourself in a position to meet others. Start going to meetups of things that interest you, or, at the very least, engage with others on things that interest them and you’ll usually find common ground eventually. It can feel difficult and awkward, but everybody struggles with that when they first start to put themselves out there. Just persevere, you’ll find people.
You don’t. People need fulfillment, not human interaction. Find something you are passionate about and pour your time and effort into it. Buy a classic car and restore it. Learn how to make your own furniture. Start learning photography. Write a book. Develop a program or app. Start a fitness routine. Brew your own beer. Learn a foreign language. The list is endless.
What matters is doing something that brings you satisfaction. A hobby that involves creating something or improving yourself is so much better than wasting time with other people. Spend a day hanging out with friends, and what do you have at the end of the day? Nothing. Spend a day planting a garden, and what do you have at the end of the day? You have a nice garden.
I kind of disagree. I have some hobbies and I’ve done some of those things, but what matters to me is the human connection. So at the end of the day you have your herb garden, who cares? It’s just going to die eventually, or you’ll eat it, and it regrows. An endless cycle of no one giving a shit.
But having someone to connect with and share an experience with, that’s what matters to me.
What is human connection, though? It’s your brain releasing dopamine because you spent time with another person. It matters to you because it makes you feel good. Other things can make you feel good, too. The difference is that hobbies and activities won’t let you down. They won’t stop being your hobby because they’d rather spend time with someone else. People are unreliable and ultimately selfish at heart.
Say you make a friend. 60 years from now, you and your friend are both dead, and what’s left behind? Nothing. I’m not old, but I’m certainly not young either. It took me a while to realize that other people just don’t matter. In the end, nothing matters at all; everything you and I do is ultimately going to fade into irrelevance when we’re dead. Might as well make the most of the time we have alive, then; do something that makes you happy. Don’t rely on another selfish human being for your happiness.
In the end, nothing matters at all; everything you and I do is ultimately going to fade into irrelevance when we’re dead.
This is exactly why other people are the only thing that matters. I’m already depressed and have this nihilistic view. So doing hobbies that don’t matter and I don’t really care about doesn’t mean shit to me. But making someone else feel good, and enjoying having a connection is the only thing that makes any of this worth it.
I find that in times of my life when I felt lonely, there were usually other issues that led to that feeling beyond the actual lack of people.
Sometimes, the answer isn’t to seek out friends but to try to figure out how to become a person that people would want to be friends with. Part of that is putting yourself out there, but that will be more successful if it comes from a place of self improvement.
Meetup.com and volunteering.
Outside of work and school, I think pretty much all of my friends are from some sort of group, often volunteering stuff
Edit: or friends I met through friends
You don’t. For what I’ve seen is something people are born with it, the perk to make friends in every situation… my younger brother have dozens of friends, actual friends, I have 0. I just live with it.
That’s how I’ve always felt. I’ve always been the friend of those people. I’ve only ever made 1 actual, deep connection with a person. And it’s deeeeep. And I couldn’t tell you how it happened. But I partly feel like I’m losing that, and I won’t ever be able to get it back, or replicate it with someone else.
Go to a real supermarket (without ordering online!).
Wait until you see a random person there.
Smile and say “Nice butt!”
Either you die or you get a booty call. Odds are not in your favor.
U sure?
During my days on Reddit, I’ve had some hangouts with quite a few people with whom I shared some really niche interests. Good times.
Are people you follow and who follow you really friends or is it primarily just about increasing the amount of followers? I’ve never had any social media aside from MySpace, but I consider my friends as family. Sure, I bet a lot of Instagram accounts have more followers than I have friends, but we’re all stoked to know one another and it has nothing to do with appearances.
I’m not talking about random followers. I’m talking about how to keep in touch and get closer to people who you just met. Like sure you exchange numbers, but then what? You might text them to go do an activity. But that’s only every so often.
I guess I just don’t know how it works, and I see everyone exchanging Instagram posts and in group discords and I don’t know how to be included and involved
I text and call my friends just to chat way more often then to hang. It’s definitely a little bit of both, but I stay in touch regularly using signal. I’m an oddity these days for sure, yet it’s still an option and way more private vs social media.
What was the common thread from when you met the person? How did you hit it off with them?
If you met at a bar, text them later asking if they’ve been to a certain brewery that just opened up (although this could sound like a soft invite to go there, so be prepared for that). If you connected about movies, tv shows, or music, ask them if they saw that new movie (show, album) that’s related to whatever you talked about (same director, sense of humor, style of movie, etc). Basically, just continue the conversation with them. Talk about related things and start to branch out, maybe you’ll find other common interests and things to talk about. You can send an article that you think they’d be interested in. Or a meme about their job.
But make sure that the conversation isn’t one sided. If you’re always the one starting the conversation or carrying it, maybe back off some. They should be just as engaged as you are.
What was the common thread from when you met the person? How did you hit it off with them?
So I’ve been married for 12 years, and we’ve been together since college, where we met. And my wife’s basically the only person I interact with socially. And I think I’m straining my marriage by using her as my crutch. I’ve kind of relied on her for literally all of my socializing, like tagging along with her and her friends. But I’ve recently realized that that’s not healthy and I need someone to talk and interact with independent of her. But it’s really hard.
My husband complains of the same - that his only socialization is with my friends. Does your wife know you’re lonely? I bet her friends’ husbands are feeling it too
She does. But it’s a little complicated. And that also leads to my question. I talk with a couple people through her, but I don’t know how to continue to stay in touch, or how to just talk with them except to plan an activity or something.
I had a time where I had to make new friends in a new city, and what I learned is that you have to take initiative a lot in the beginning of a new friendship. You have to suggest something to do together maybe the first 2 - 4 times. After some time it should be more equal if not find some other friends.
I started a business that involves going into stranger’s homes. Most of my new friends are old ladies.
Would you like to share what the business is?
I’m home improvement contractor aka. “handyman”
Meetup.com, search some interests, find some groups, go to some events, talk to people and slowly build those connections with those that you click with. Or all that via more general web searching, meetup is just a convenient hub.
Dang. The website said there is no groups or events anywhere at any time within 100 miles of me. What do lmao
Befriend the wildlife
Trash pandas are friends. Got it
Checked it out and learned there’s Thursday Night Dodgeball near me. Ok, this is actually useful.
Don’t forget your training wrench! 🔧
Join a team or club in something that interests you.
I’m planning on signing up for a couple of rec sports leagues on volo. I’m afraid everyone there is going to be like 20 years old though
I was 40 when I started playing Ultimate.
I’ll tell you when I find out.
You need to make an effort to put yourself in places where you can meet people. Often this takes the form of finding a community with a common interest. This could be a hobby, a lecture, a course, book club, gardening, etc.
Other places where you meet people can be a workplace, a volunteering effort, social gatherings like listening to a band, orchestra or a play.
You can go to the local coffee shop and spend time there watching people. If you do this regularly, you’re likely to meet people whom you can talk to and interact with.
If you already know people, acquaintances, then organise or participate in activities with them.
Social media is an add-on to life, not life itself.
The way to make friends is essentially finding ways to interact with other humans, preferably in places where you like to enjoy yourself.
Volunteer. You’ll meet the best people.
That isn’t true at all. Plenty of volunteers are shitty people.
A group I was recently with just had a huge scandal because someone who joined had a sexual offender records and we were working with kids… he basically fucked everyone over and the entire org had to stop operations for months until every member clear background checks.
All the best people volunteer. I stand by this. Sorry you had an experience with a shitty person also volunteering. Part of non-profit management is dealing with shitty volunteers.
ok, now we have moved to ‘if you don’t volunteer you are less than as a person.’
seriously, volunteering has zero to do with one’s moral worth in life. tons of good people never volunteer. lots of shitheads do. volunteering isn’t some inherently moral/good act. lots of people volunteer for shitty reasons and do shitty things.
What if you don’t want to help people?
Help animals then…
Volunteer with pets!
The first thing I think of when I hear volunteer is soup kitchen, and after a quick check it turn out my local one doesn’t need any more people at this time. What are some other places one can volunteer, that might not be so obvious?
Church, political party, environment, homeless shelter, women’s shelter, non-profit music societies, arts, etc depending on your interests.
Maybe a local advocacy group, one that aligns with your interests and values?
Habitat for Humanity is a great one IMHO I loved helping out with them when I could
Join your city’s discord and go to the meetups
Go to the bar every weekend.
If you find yourself getting too drunk a little coke will straighten you right now.
Who snorts coke anymore? We snort asbestos laced dried sloth feces these days.
I like to kick it old school.
