Finally found the man I thought I would marry, but the breakup came out of nowhere and I’m struggling to cope. What are the ways you’ve dealt with heartbreak in the past?
Direct my energy and attention to all the me things that got swept aside when I was with them. You have fewer distractions now. Go get those things done you’ve been putting off!
There’s a set of questions an author named Byron Katie wrote about for managing limiting beliefs. First you have to isolate the belief that’s causing you pain. Then you ask the following:
1 - Is this belief true?
2 - Can I absolutely know this belief is true?
If you are still saying yes to these you’re not ready for 3 and 4.
3 - How do you feel when you believe this? Be sure to go into this really well. I find the more you put into this step the better the results at the last question. So where in your body does the feeling live? What temperature is it? How intense is it out of 10? Is it sharp or dull? Is it dry or wet? Does it change is it constant? Maybe even what color is it? You want to really witness and give credence to this feeling here.
And finally
4 - Who would you be or what would you be doing if you didn’t have this belief?
I can guess what answers you’d give here but you know so I don’t want to muddy that for you.
Edit: formatting
Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Take care of yourself. Eat well and stay hydrated, do whatever exercise and focus on yourself and your goals. Perhaps travel. Live for you and you will find someone else without looking.
This isn’t the exact same situation but me and my SO of 8 years broke up in January. It hurt a lot at first but over time I’m happier then i ever thought i would be without her. It’s an excellent opportunity to look at yourself with an introspective lens and grow as a person.
That and a lot of anime, video games, working out, magic the gathering, and discovering new hobbies.
Am so sorry to hear about this. Your message makes me wonder about two past relationships
(1) In one I spent years with someone and it actually was a very toxic relationship, but I didn’t realize it during the whole time. What happened was that when I got dumped, I thought I’d die and instead I got over it very quickly by noticing how much I’d lost of myself and how I was rediscovering of myself. It turned out I was able to flush it from myself in less that 6 months. It probably also helped I had finally found what I wanted to do for myself
(2) About a year and a half after the previous relationship, I found someone I really wanted to be with and who made it incredibly hard to get together with. I worked so hard and then we got together. After a month together, she cheated on me with my (then) best friend of several years. It took me years to get over this and we’d been together for just a month. Somehow the fact I wasn’t able to fully live this relationship hurt me way more than the previous long (but horrible) relationship.
Finding things that you enjoy doing helps a lot, but mainly it’s time that heals your wounds.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk
Edit: fixed grammar
Wow my condolences, getting cheated on is awful. And don’t feel bad about my situation, it was the best breakup I’ve ever had. We both had realized beforehand that over the years we were together, the spark had slowly faded. We were so compatible as friends that when we spent time together, it was more like hanging out with a friend than a partner. The breakup itself took almost 3 hours and it was just us reminiscing about all the good times we had and how neither of us were at fault. I hope she finds someone worthy of how great she is, just like i wish the same for myself. It was truly a wholesome time, and now that i know what the real thing feels like, i know I’ll find it again some day.
I hope you find that special someone that vibes in the exact same way you vibe, the kind of person that makes your heart excited like a kid getting excited for chicken nuggets.
Thanks for your words! I wish the same to you (your description of excitement is so awesome!)! Hang in there!
What your words triggered in me are fairly old emotions. Those two bad relations happened many years ago and now am I with someone I hope will last (you never know, but fingers crossed)
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Treating it like being sick (like a cold) helps me. That way I justify taking it slow. It’s something that will pass and it’s totally normal to feel really bad. It will probably be better soon but I need a lot of rest/self-care.
Ugh, heartache is literally painful. I’m sorry you are going through that.
For me, getting iver someone has been a multi-pronged approach.
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Accept that I’m going to feel grief for a while…at least a few months. That’s okay and normal. Don’t fight it, don’t get mad at it. Just notice it and ride it out. Your brain has to severe the neural networks that were dedicated to him, while rebuilding new ones. This is a process that takes a while.
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Start connecting with friends that are healthy. They can be a nice source of validation, connection, and support.
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Work on a new project to have a focus. This can help in those moments where I’m sitting around ruminating with nothing to do or no desire to do anything. Even if I’m ruminating while doing the project, at least I’ll something to show for it when it’s over.
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Start a new hobby to define myself apart from the relationship. I’m going to be a new person.
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When ready, start throwing out all of their stuff. I even get rid of gifts. If it reminds me of then when I look at it, it’s gone.
Things will get easier as you stop thinking about them slowly over the next dew weeks to months. Eventually, they become someone that you used to know with no real meaning other than the lessons you learned from that experience.
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Not gonna sugarcoat it – this will suck for a long time. For me it was friends, hookups and time that helped.
Friends let me forget for the time we hung out but also listened and just hugged me when I cried.
Hookups (and I realise this sounds vapid as shit) made me feel like I am still wanted and attractive.
Time made the thought of them sting less.
This will smost likely stick with you, but it’s going to be okay. It’s not going to hurt this badly forever. You will think of it less and less frequently. But you will have that scar. And that’s okay, I think.
Having sex with a new partner allows your brain to decouple from someone else. The new neural connections you form with the new partner are literally therapeutic.
I have found it to be the single best way to start moving on from an ended relationship.
How does this work for poly people? Just a shower throught.
That’s a good question. I have no idea.
Same as I deal with everything. Alcohol. Lots of it.
Old me: bottle of whisky, pint of ice cream, a lot like love/Fools rush in New me: bike/motorcycle ride, cuddly a bunny, hard cry
It’s a duet. The lead singers of the two bands used to date. They never publicly said this, but I suspect it was about their breakup, and how messy and complicated breaking up with someone you love can be.
I don’t even really remember I think, I don’t even really feel like I’ve “dealt” with it. I’ll tell some of my experience but I won’t go into too much detail.
For us, we were even talking about marriage, but I did something wrong and I felt helpless after the break up, I couldn’t do anything, other problems arouse and I even started planning suicide.
I tried talking to other people, some related to the situation and some not, to get perspective on stuff, I even got a new job, but depression hit me hard once I started, so I quit soon after to get that under control which was fine, my financial situation was good enough to do this at the time.
Eventually I just started thinking about what I wanted in a relationship and somehow I stopped blaming myself, but now I have a anger I don’t know how to deal with towards her and her family, we see each other once a week during our martial arts class, and it keeps it kinda fresh on my mind but I love the class so I decided it’s worth it.
I’m talking to someone else, not really as a potential romantic partner but someone who I can be good friends with and if it goes that way then it’s a plus. I didn’t have the biggest friend group before and it got even smaller after the break up, so I’m trying to branch out.
I guess that’s how I dealt with it, focused on a hobby, and making new friends, making sure I got to talk it out with various people to make sure I didn’t get into an echo chamber (which my brain and family would be a major one)
I always wanted a life partner, someone I can share everything with, even back in my early teens. After the two very hard break-ups with my cheating ex girlfriends - one of the two relationships went on for almost a decade too and almost drove me into suicide, or worse - I decided to just not bother with relationships anymore, platonic or romantic. It’s like I’m a magnet for abusive people and too gullible to handle them, since despite my jealousy that I kept eating up (which in hindsight was unfortunately always warranted and I should’ve listened to it) I tried to believe them, not wanting to lose them. So now I make sure I shut myself off from everyone to never fall for anyone ever again. What I can say, despite how much it hurts in the beginning, the pain itself will subside with time, so you should just give yourself that and as much as you need. Distractions can help in the intermediate period, but you will also want to make some room to properly process things. Otherwise it’ll haunt you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I don’t think there is any one way to deal with heartbreak. For me time was the only thing and keeping myself busy with friends and hobbies.
I will say as I’ve gotten older, we are a similar age, that walking and spending time alone in nature makes me happy.
Great music. It helps to get the feelings out and not feel so alone.
