Usually when someone is venting at me, I feel like I should respond somehow and say something, but I have no idea what that something could/should be. Is it better to just listen or try to comfort them in some way?
I don’t think there’s really any one universal best answer, really. I agree with the idea that mirroring is the most fundamental answer. I try to ask questions too, where appropriate.
Personally, I find that people are most in need of someone to listen to them and validate their feelings. Don’t have to fix it. That was always a mistake I made in the past. I’m a fixer. If I see a problem, it’s my problem and I need to fix it. Just listen and be supportive.
Depending on your relationship with the person, it’s also sometimes okay to challenge distortions or exaggerations. My partner has started doing that for me and it’s been really helpful to reframe my problems.
That last part is what I struggle with as someone whose mind always tries to see things from opposing perspectives whether I want it to or not.
Sometimes my wife will come home pissed off about something one of her coworkers said. She’ll tell me the story and I have learned the hard way that “I think your coworker had a point, because X” is not what she wants to hear from me.
It is definitely situational; someone coming home frustrated and venting, probably not the time to offer suggestions or counterpoints; but a casual conversation when hanging out, then folks are willing to discuss if something was right or wrong.
I learned this the hard way from my wife over many years…
Yeah I have this problem too. If I’m missing something, I want someone to point it out to me. I never feel like my feelings need to be validated if they aren’t rooted in reality.
Generally listening is best but there’s no universal answer to a question like this. People are complex. Some people want to be consoled, some people want feedback, some people want to be challenged, etc
But a general first line of defense is hear them out, comfort when appropriate, and don’t make it about you (“oh that’s crazy it’s like this one time I…”)
I don’t know if it’s the “right” thing to do, if there’s ever one right thing… But I usually offer something that validates their feelings, like “That really sucks,” or “They sound like a jerk.” Only if it’s someone I know well and I can read what they’re looking for, I might then comfort, offer advice, or talk about something to cheer them up.
“Uh huh” “Yeah” “Wow” “Uh oh” “Daaamn…” and “Holy fuck!” are my general go-tos.
“I haven’t pooped in 3 days”
Listen and be supportive. If you feel the need to solve, of think they are looking for a solution, ask. “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
It is really important to ask before offering advice/solutions, because doing so can make someone feel like you are trivializing their problem, or that they can’t solve it themselves.
If you feel the need to solve, of think they are looking for a solution, ask. “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
"Would you like a hug, or a solution?
I think the best response is to acknowledge their feelings, like “that must’ve sucked” “yeah I can see how that is frustrating”, because that is usually what venting is about, to have someone sympathise with you so you don’t bottle it all up.
Asking them some genuine non-confrontational questions about their feelings or possible solutions to the situation usually works fine for me. I feel like people often vent about situations where they feel kinda helpless. Questions from you could help them not only to feel seen/heard, but also to switch to a more “proactive” state of mind where the source of venting could start looking like a problem with possible solutions.
Other times people just want to vent for the sake of venting and want no input from you whatsoever. Just let them.
I find that it’s good to ask questions that allow them to vent further.
I’ve had this happen quite a few times to me, and I’ve come to the best question for this.
“Do you want to just vent or would you like advice?”
Some people just need to get it off their chest and talk to something, IT professionals call this The Rubber Duck Effect, helps them work through the problem by explaining it to someone else. Asking if they’d like advice or just vent lets you know what kinds of questions to ask. You do still need to be listening but hopefully this helps!
Bingo. Just ask if they want an ear or to help solve a problem
I’ve not heard it called The Rubber Duck Effect, but I do this quite often. Usually end the conversation with “Well, I answered my own question, never mind”.
Just say contextually appropriate listening-interjections that validate their feelings. Things like, “WTF?” “Rude!” “How awful,” “Oof that’s stressful,” a disapproving hmmm, etc.
Imagine you’re a dustpan without a bottom: the dust of their venting gets swept in, but falls right back out without sticking to anything. Most importantly, don’t try to fix their feelings. That’s not your job. Your job is to meet them where they are, as they are. (And if, for whatever reason, you can’t, I’ve used the phrasing of, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t be a good audience for that. Do you need suggestions for finding other support?”)
The main thing is that you don’t pull attention. Don’t try to share stories about similar things you’ve gone through immediately, start like others have said - noises that indicate you’re listening. Look up reflective listening skills and do those things.
If they seem to want advice, you can ask, “Hey, I don’t wanna give you any advice if you don’t want it. I can keep just listening, but your (pause / frustration / whatever) makes it seem like you might be looking for a possible solution …” And then see what they say.
I think listening behaviors are quite culturally based as well. For example:
Here in the Appalachian mountains, suppose two guys are talking to each other, perhaps both leaning on a fence. The guy who is listening doesn’t watch the speaker the entire time. They don’t make occasional noises either.
My buddy asks if I want to hear a story about some trouble he had recently with a neighbor. I nod and look at him “Yea”. He then proceeds to look forward, out across the field and I do the same. Buddy says something that I support, like what he did that started the trouble. I nod, quietly, or even make that “this is ok” face. If I make that face, it’s like saying “That makes sense to me, nothing unreasonable about that”. Unless he says something that you know he expects support for, then you just motionlessly stare into the foreground.
If he tells me something the neighbor did that angered him, I will look at him and make the astonished face, he will look at me and nod, then he verbally confirms it as we go back to staring at the field. He will go on about it some, and I will quietly lower my head a little and shake it back forth to show my disbelief in how crappy his neighbor is.
Then whatever conclusion he comes up with, I’ll either say, “hell yeah, that’s what I’d do” or “whoa I dunno about all that now” or something similar. The cues for listening and the correct responses to them will vary probably within subcultures.
Lots of great responses so far. I like to go with:
I hear you
Obviously they know my ears work but I want them to know that I am focused and connected.
In the interest of politeness, I ask, “Are you done now?” so that I know it’s my turn to speak.
I’m not sure if I should say anything to comfort OP in some way.
