I have given up trying to find a girlfriend. Even though, I am outgoing, have hobbies (I dance, which is actually filled with women), go to parties, talk to plenty of women. But I keep hearing the same thing over and over again: “I am just not so into skinny guys.”
I think this is fair from the woman’s perspective. I for one am only motivated to date attractive women. So, them not wanting to settle for less actually makes very good sense to me. There is absolutely no hate or bitterness regarding that. Fuck all that: ‘all women are whores’-noise.
That being said, I think I should just consider myself celibate by virtue of my own standards. But now bitterness is starting to take hold of me. Bitterness about my life and to me as a person. As I said I am very outgoing and don’t want to become the cynical asshole around my friends.
So how do I stop this?
Edit: I go to the gym on a regular basis.
I’m going to take a different approach. It’s not that the general advice on focusing internally is bad. To the contrary, it’s the best advice. But there’s other things to do as well to help mitigate what I call “serial rejection response”.
People tend to think that their attraction standards can’t change. But they do, constantly, for plenty. They change as we age, as our perspective shifts as we gain experiences, or even just by repeated exposure to other standards.
Now, I’m going to venture into some shaky territory here, so be aware that there is disagreement in published information about some of this.
There are multiple things that go into attraction. They one thing that seems universal is symmetry. The more symmetric the face and body are, the more likely people are to find it attractive. It’s a pretty objective standard too, with not much room for interpretation.
However, there’s also signs of health and viability as a possible mate. That’s where you run into the first thing that can shift. We don’t actually have a great ability to read health visually. And there’s subjectiveness inherent in what is and isn’t considered healthy, and that can change easily.
A common example of that is acne. Not everyone views is as sign of bad health, but some do. It’s also something that is more common in teen and young adult stages. When you’re younger, and everyone around you is more prone to acne, you tend to filter it out because it’s so common, we just don’t see it as a flaw in every case. And there’s gradations as to how severe acne is before an individual detects it as a negative rather than the norm.
Body build is obviously the same kind of thing. It’s a subjective, and largely subconscious, “template” that gets built up over time to filter other people into categories of “possible mate” and “nah”. But the very fact that it not only builds over time, but can change later in life as we’re exposed to more variety, means that it’s something that can be adapted to.
Now, you can actually consciously change what you’re attracted to, though it isn’t easy, and takes time. This would expand the pool of attraction to give better chances of mutual attraction.
But, once you realize that the vast majority of people don’t know it can change, and that they’re just drifting along responding to stimuli they don’t even understand, it means you don’t need to worry about it as much. It becomes a matter of patience in finding someone, or shifting closer to the local norm of what is and isn’t attractive (and there is a large degree of it that is very local, down to town size and smaller; you’ll find people at different schools in the same county having different standards as a group).
This helps remove any bitterness because, once the idea is internalized, you know that not only is it not you being unattractive at all (and everyone is attractive in some way, even if it’s very limited), it’s just not the right time and/or place. It’s a crappy hand to be dealt, but not an insurmountable one.
You’d be amazed how just moving to another town can radically change how much attraction you receive. Just changing neighborhoods can do it in decent sized cities or towns.
I promise you, plenty of girls and women like extra skinny guys, the same way plenty like dad bods, massive muscles, trim athletic builds, or chubby to obese bodies. It’s all about where and when you are. You, exactly as you are now, may find that women shift towards your body type as you age. Or you might not, but be aware that it isn’t universal or permanent inherently. A super thin guy in his twenties is running around asking out women roughly in the same age group most of the time, and that could be a grouping that’s locally only into dad bods as a majority. But they get older and change too, so you run into the ones that shift towards your type.
And, obviously, not only will your tastes change over time whether you want it or not, you could start work on finding the attractive qualities in a wider range of women. People think of this, and talk of this, as “lowering standards”, but that’s bullshit. That way of thinking assumes that any given set of standards is right solely because the person using the term thinks their standards are better. And, again, that’s bullshit.
As an example of that, if I dig thicc ladies, but have no luck with them, it isn’t lowering my standards to date someone that’s model skinny, it’s just a different standard. If I didn’t like that kind of body type, I would have to work at seeing the good parts to change the “template” in my head that says attractive or not. I’m lucky in that I’ve never really had a type, but I do have greater or lesser attraction to different types. I have successfully changed that over time though, multiple times, partially just to see if I could.
Seriously, do a little thought experiment here. Find someone you don’t find attractive that’s with someone. Ask yourself what they see in them. Then look for it, because I promise you it’s there. They’re using their internal template, probably without thinking, and found a match to it. Once you start realizing that there are things in people you aren’t attracted to that are attractive anyway, you start to look at looks in a new way.
This is getting long, so I won’t bore you with anecdotes about my own life and how this works. But I will end with something to think about. Ever know an old couple? The kind that sum still kiss and hug, and make googoo eyes at each other, call each other beautiful and handsome. They exist. And they are attracted to each other, and likely always have been despite the fact that neither of them would have been attracted to the other fifty years prior.
Remember that, and you never need be bitter.
You need to drink your way to weight gain.
Try 4 meals a day if you can but get some big calorie drinks in you.
Stop looking at the weight in the gym and start looking at the weight on the scales.
But I’m (athletic) skinny and punched out of my weight loads. How? I don’t fucking know. Think girls are just really comfortable around me and for some that works, usually the cute quiet ones. Or sometimes I been blackout drunk and magic happens.
Edit: Just get really drunk and lower your standards. I’ve done that too.
It’s a been a long long time since I was dating, anyone who turns you down and says “sorry you’re too thin” is best avoided to say the least.
In fact I’m having a difficult time believing you keep hearing it, because it’s so rude.
Or it’s clearly just an excuse and there’s something else about OP
Be it my weight, face, or my personality, it actually hardly matters. Bottom line: There is an (innerly or outerly) ugly person who only wants to date attractive people, and by that they cannot get a partner. If that’s too much of a stretch for you, then there is no point explaining.
So you’re mad that people have the same criterias you do?
Did you even read my post? I am bitter about the fact I can’t find a partner, yes. That’s nobody’s fault. I perfectly understand and accept as to why. But yes I can still be bend out of shape about my loneliness.
You’re certainly ripe for the taking for the incel movement I can tell you that…
You’re a real beacon of positivity, huh? And you clearly didn’t read their post.
Wtf is wrong with you? OP is literally walking down the path opposite to incedom. Fuck off troll.
Pointing out their hypocrisy?
I believe it. My sons are tall and thin. People say things to them that they would never say to a short or heavy person! When they were younger, older women would offer to buy them food in bars, like they were thin because they were too poor to eat.
It could be an excuse to avoid the real reasons. If OP really wants to know the full story, he could ask one of the women who said this to be 100% honest with him about all the reasons she’s not interested.
That depends a lot on the sort of women he’s approaching. If he’s mostly approaching strangers he probably still won’t get a different real answer - if they’re brushing him off like this there’s a reason and “please be honest” isn’t going to change it.
This might work with an already good friend that he asked out, but that doesn’t seem to be the situation described.
Understand its not your fault and you shouldnt blame the world. Everyone goes through this at some point (esp guys) - be it skinny, fat, coloured or not, tall or short. Everyone has their preferences.
Giving up on actively finding a girlfriend is probably the best thing to do in your situation - but not out of spite - some women find an attractiveness in someone who has fun in their own presence. People want to be a part of that joy. Being bitter will only drive away friends and potential relationships.
With that said, do your own thing. If being skinny bothers you (and you alone, not what anyone else thinks), hit the gym and eat more? Try more activites either solo or with friends. Maybe even some extreme sports which a partner would otherwise not join you in. Just enjoy life and someone will come. I know people who found relationships in the most unexpected of times and places.
I understand theres an inch in the intimate department that cant be scratched with just normal friendships but idk, resist tbe urge or find other outputs to bring your urges back down enough so you can just be you and comfortable
If being skinny bothers you (and you alone, not what anyone else thinks), hit the gym and eat more?
And take up beer drinking. You’ll gain 30lbs.
Try alcohol free beer if you like your liver or don’t want cancer
All in your gut
Therapy. Also focusing on your hobbies and filling your life with joys that don’t focus on a datemate. But definitely therapy.
I wish there were another answer, I’ve wondered similar things myself for many years and therapy is always the solution everyone suggests.
The problem is, where I live therapy is only available to wealthy people. It’s not something I’ll ever have access to :-(
Cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks work almost as well without a therapist as with one. You just have to have the self discipline to actually do it.
Well, it sounds like you’re going after women out if your league because you think they’re attractive and that’s a valid choice. But it is a choice you’re making. It sounds like you could have intimacy if you lowered your standards or increased you attractiveness (gym etc). Or you could abandon dating to not have to face rejections.
So I think the key to avoid bitterness is to reevaluate if the choice you are making still works for you if it brings up bitterness. Then you can either stay with your choice or switch, if you don’t think any other option brings less negative feelings.
And if you choose the best option for you, there’s no need for bitterness.
I’m not sure you age but from what I understand, many people between 20-40 have been having issues finding genuine relationships and “situationships” are on the rise. I know several people that claim to be happy having 2-3 half commited partners (whom often also have other partners), but i don’t believe they are that happy, especially compared to a genuine relationship.
As others had said try to just stick to your own personallity and focus on your own happiness, changing yourself or your standards just to get laid often doesn’t work. When i was going through a phase of depression i started seeing a partner whom couldn’t commit to me the way i desired, but i stuck around anyway because it was a nice distraction from my life. A few months later we called it offand there was a fair amount of emotional pain. The relationship was kinda of toxic as well and I’ll probably carry scars from it into my next one. Even just the memories, good or bad, are constant distraction some times. My overall point is don’t commit to it if its not what you genuinely want, good relationships have been on the decline for a while so its not always your fault if you can’t establish one.
I don’t believe that most women don’t like skinny guys. That’s likely just BS. I have no idea what kind of girls OP is asking out. Maybe he’s asking the super hot biddy girls who only wanna date bros from the jersey shore? No idea. But that just doesn’t seem accurate. Perhaps the girls really have another reason and are trying to come up with an excuse. I have no idea.
OP, if you wanna put on a little muscle mass without getting super into weight lifting, just do pushups/planks/other easy shit every day whenever you have a free minute. Merely doing that will add some muscle definition and make you appear a bit less skinny. You’ll notice some obvious results after a few months. You don’t have to go ham into weight lifting, unless you want to.
Also, you may have a fast metabolism OP. If so, you’ll be fucking happy when you’re older and all of your friends are fat - and you’re still skinny ;-).
Metabolism differences are negligible between people, barring some disease. OP might just be a genetic outlier in terms of being able to put on muscle mass.
You also dont need to be a gymbro to put on muscle mass, 2-3 times a week 30-60 minutes in the gym is all it takes.
https://youtu.be/cClSiXBNGa8?si=qxyWva8kRn__oTVv
This video is excellent and these exercises can be easily done in 30 minutes and will yield better results than doing random pushups during the day.
?si=qxyWva8kRn__oTVv
See this part of the link here? That’s actually a tracker by Youtube. You can omid that to make the link more privacy friendly like so:
Thanks for the recommendation by the way!
ClearURL extension for Firefox (might also be on Chrome) should remove that automatically when visiting a link. Also Firefox has a “copy without tracking” option as well when right clicking a link.
Edit: also uBlock origin has a filter list to clean links, however I find it doesn’t capture everything that ClearURL does.
Huh? What do you mean metabolism is barely different between people? Some people are fat naturally even with a decent diet and some people are skinny af regardless of what they eat. What do you mean there is no or little difference? There is large variability in metabolism speed between people. I know multiple people who are skinny and do not put on weight regardless of diet. If I’m wrong lemme know but that’s how I see it.
https://youtube.com/shorts/Se1oaRu0Pbw?si=OEsWwQ223S9g04rv
Extending this into practical terms and assuming an average expenditure of 2000kcal a day, 68% of the population falls into the range of 1840-2160kcal daily while 96% of the population is in the range of 1680-2320kcal daily. Comparing somebody at or below the 5thpercentile with somebody at or above the 95thpercentile would yield a difference of possibly 600kcal daily, and the chance of this occurring (comparing the self to a friend) is 0.50%, assuming two completely random persons.
To give a sense of calories, 200kcal (the difference in metabolic rate in approximately half the population) is approximately equivalent to 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, a single poptart (a package of two is 400kcal) or half of a large slice of pizza. An oreo is about 70kcal, and a chocolate bar in the range of 150-270kcal depending on brand.
So a majority of people are within 3 pieces of Oreos in tems of metabolism difference and the extreme end is 9 piece of difference, but 96 % pf people are within 6 oreos of each other.
Interesting thanks. Appreciate the interesting information. Thanks for taking the time to type that out.
What do your woman friends say?
I never asked them to “rate” my looks. If that’s what you mean.
I think they mean to ask for honest feedback, it’s quite possible your lack of success is linked to the mindset you have. Expecting to fail us one of the most common reasons to fail, but knowing that success requires a lot of failure is a much healthier approach.
Have you you tried therapy to work through some of these issues? It’s helped me quite a lot
I think they mean to ask for honest feedback, it’s quite possible your lack of success is linked to the mindset you have.
Oh I see. That’s actually not a bad idea. I’ll try and ask them.
Yeah, that’s what I meant. Ask the women in your life for advice.
Building on a sibling comment about loving yourself. I only got there in 2019. My world changed when I achieved this. Therapy was how I got there. It took many years. Find a therapist you trust. It might not be the first one. My average (across decades) is one that I trust for every two that I meet (one relocation and one therapist retired, so three total that I trust). I never thought I’d become who I am and I’m eternally grateful for the outcome.
Market price set with supply and demand.
If you are getting zero hits, you need to adjust the price. This is game 101.
Or stay single but I don’t get that angle but that is a strategy as any other.
I just don’t feel motivated to date people I do not find physically attractive. Even if they do have a very nice or interesting personality, I would rather then just be friends with them. So yes, I think I would in fact rather stay single.
If that’s your motivation then you are going to be very very disappointed when those looks fade and you get bored.
Consider just going on a date with someone you wouldn’t normally have if you’re in a dry spell. Helps you figure out your preferences in a relationship beyond physical appearance.
After my last gf it took me 4 years to find someone. I was going through grief on the prospect of being single for a long time. Then when the acceptance hit I rode it like it was the last step on grief. I just do me, meaning I watch movies by myself, eat out by myself, do stuff by myself. Most of my friends are couples so it’s easy to escape a crowd. I had my best vacation by booking 4 days earlier than the group and stay at a hostel and join randoms in their adventure. Sometimes it’s awkward but I didn’t try too hard so when one experience sucks I went to the next one. TLDR: I drown myself with hobbies and things I like to do and didn’t actively look for someone. But when it feels like going for someone then I date.
I sympathize, sorry that you’re feeling this way. It sucks to not have someone to be with. I don’t know if it’ll help much, but I thought I’d share my story too.
I’m 2 years out of an 8 year relationship. I think I’m damaged to say the least, but I was damaged even before then. I struggle to connect with people, and breaking the physical barrier is also really difficult for me. I wish I was better at it, but I’m just kind of an awkward dude. I can be a bit uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes.
I met a girl recently and I thought things were going really well. We had lots of common interests, and the raport between us was really great. I was genuinely excited to get to know her as a person, and to be spending time with someone again. I was hopeful, and happy. It was nice to think that I might have someone I could actually share with again. I don’t want to wallow in self-pity or anything, but I’m in my 30’s and I’d be lying if I said the general disconnect I usually feel hasn’t affected me on some deep level.
We were hanging out one day and things were going well up until I attempted to kiss her. It’s such a dumb thing to blunder, but my bad timing, awkward word choices, and even my incorrect physical positioning caused me to rush things and not really give the moment a chance to unfold organically. I don’t know why I get like this, it’s very ammature and probably the quality I dislike the most about myself. I think maybe I’m just scared to fully allow myself to be vulnerable to people. I don’t really think I’m a bad kisser in general, I’m actually great at other physical/intimate things, but I just kind of messed this one up a bit. I allowed myself to be overly nervous/anxious, and I just wasn’t at my best. Mistakes happen sometimes. That was all it took though. She went from being pretty engaged with me to generally disinterested just like that. It sucks because It made me feel like her entire decision was based on this one failed interaction. I don’t want to sound stuck up or something, but I think I deserve better than that.
I found out there were other factors too though. She was already interested in someone else at the time she was hanging out with me. It feels kind of pathetic to admit it, but I think I just got outcompeted. I know that I should give myself some allowance for the fact that there was nothing that I could do about that aspect, she’s entitled to her choices, but she wasn’t very forthright with me either. She led me on, and stood me up on plans to hang out. That was really selfish behavior on her part.
I know that girls do this sometimes for fear of hurting guy’s feelings, but just don’t. Be honest, and transparent with us, it’s easier for everyone in the long run. I think I deserved a better chance than what she gave me, and if she was that superficial already then she probably wasn’t right for me anyway. It sucks, but that’s where I’m at with it right now. I’m not hateful towards her or anything like that, just disappointed really.
I don’t know really where I’m going with all this, but just suffice it to say that understanding and learning from relationships is difficult sometimes. I think I’d just say to try not to give up if you can help it, but if you feel like you need to go into self-preservation mode then that’s ok too.
Best regards tall skinny internet stranger.
Your comments are only about appearance, and thus shallow. Have you tried shifting focus to people rather than what they appear to be at first glance?
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I do not deny it’s shallow. I am absolutely not savoury when it comes to that (though I do need her to also have similar interests). Be that as it may, I just don’t develop any romantic feelings for them otherwise.
Dude… from your interactions in here, i am beginning to not like you either. If i was a woman that you’re talking to, using your outter looks to reject your personality is maybe more gentle than saying you treat people like npcs or that you are annoying.
Yeah, couldn’t agree more. He doesn’t sound like he even likes women, just feels he should own one and probably wants regular sex (on his terms only). I almost feel guilty writing a post trying to help him.
just feels he should own one and probably wants regular sex (on his terms only)
I never, ever said nor implied this. English is not my first language, so maybe I didn’t phrase it all that well. I rarely ever even flirt with women because I’m afraid it will make them uncomfortable. I, as any other person, seek companionship. I know it sounds shallow to put emphasis on looks. But no matter which way I shake it it is an important factor to me. Otherwise it just feels like another friendship to me. I can’t change myself in that regard. And the results speak for themselves. So here I am seeking help to at least not feel bitter about it.
I don’t know what to tell you. I only blame myself for being this way. And every woman I meet has every right to refuse me. I do not deny that. I think my bitterness about my life is unfounded. Because it’s all by virtue of my own choices. I do not want to feel this way. Not to gain favours from women but for myself. For that I ask help. That’s it. Sorry you feel this way.
I wonder though. Two things - one, I think you probably look better than you think, if you dance and go to the gym I’m sure you are already in good shape and not too skinny. You probably look better than you think, it’s normal to see yourself with a hypercritical eye, try to look in the mirror and pretend it’s someone else. And as someone else mentioned, ask for feedback from your friends, who see you more objectively.
Two - what kind of looks, that you think are so far off from yours? I mean, if you are finding plenty of women who meet your standards, maybe this is a misapprehension and you are not as picky as you think, nor as far apart in looks from those you find attractive . If you have impossible standards, that’s certainly something to work on, but maybe you are just thinking about this in a way that makes it feel impossible when it’s not.
It can never hurt to take a step away for awhile and just work on yourself though. Be a person who you like, keep doing the things you love and enjoy them, let go of trying to date for a time, be nice to yourself.
