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For a person that used to host Bad Movie Nights, this question has always stumped me. The kiss of death for any film is it to be boring. Feardotcom might be my nomination for “worst”, because i can never really get through it from sheer boredom, and that sets it apart from other movies that simply faded from memory.
If you want to go the opposite of boring and enter into “would rather take a cheese grater to my skin” in reaction, that goes to Son of the Mask. Loud, obnoxious, unfunny, and just plain unnecessary. It never needed to be made, but it was, and now it’s cursed to haunt the bottom of gas station 5 dollar movie bins forever more.
kinda cheaty & petty cuz the file was corrupted & we were thankfully saved from the last third, BUT i’m gonna say dragged across concrete as it’s fresh on my mind. n*zi boomer soapboxing & cop-asshole-licking feat. Meltdown Gibson. check out bone tomahawk -> brawl in cellblock 99 -> this if you want to witness the downward spiral of one man’s
Bone Tomahawk is already like basically a racist old pulp adventure novel/comic but with extreme violence and an extremely thin excuse of “this well groomed Native American in a suit comes on screen and explains that the bad guys are completely fictional and not related to any actual tribes.”
So on the one hand it’s surprising that the director wouldn’t stay there right before things just become undeniably racist, but also entirely unsurprising for chuds to push their bullshit as far as it goes.
yeah like i used to read that kinda shit a bunch so it’s been interesting how tomahawk gets a more & more visceral reaction out of me each time i see it. but yeah it has the kinda plausible deniability that works on the average person, namely the excuse of “oh i was just innocently emulating that old stuff no worries hehe.”
Bone Tomahawk was so incredibly racist. They even use the line “not real Indians” or some shit. Just wtf. They’re still human, so where did they come from? I was really hoping the “villains” at the end would be eldritch horrors (like literal tentacle monsters with eagle heads oozing pink goop all over the place). But no, it was just humans getting dehumanized to justify ethnic cleansing.
Watching a colonizer get cut in half was pretty fucking metal, tho.
The Pinocchio adaptation by Guillermo del Toro is basically unwatchable, I find. I have other ridiculous contrarian-y takes and stuff, runners up would be the 2005 Dukes of Hazzard reboot and maybe Bloodthirsty? But that Pinocchio is an assault on the senses.
I enjoyed the Del Toro Pinocchio so much I immediately wanted to watch it again, which I almost never do with any movie. I can see how other people might not like it, but unwatchable is very surprising to me.
Singing child
Jurassic World was really up there. Otherwise the new Harry Potter movies, Fantastic Beastiality or whatever. Anything with “Millenial” storytelling and characterization, like Castlevania or Promare
I like to use this question as an ice breaker when meeting new people, it’s simple but it has a lot to it and learning learning what someone considers to be “bad” is just as interesting as their media preferences.
So yeah the worst movie I’ve ever seen was Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012). It was based off of a 2010 novel by Seth Grahame-Smith that retells the life of Abraham Lincoln as if his sole motivation was vengeance against vampires (one of whom killed his mom). Its a fun story and the author utilizes the premise wonderfully. While its not an allegory by any means it gives a glimpse into the worldview of white USAian liberals in the post-Obama era as the book seems to be centered on the belief that white supremacy is not systemic, but a bad habit propped up by a small group of evil racist people.
So anyways I read that book and I got my whole family to read the book because “wtf why is this actually good” and everyone liked it so we got hyped for the movie and we get there and we are the only ones in the theatre. It was a total piece of shit.
The premise was the only point of commonality with the novel. It was a lot more like Blade, if Blade was white and also the 16th president of the united states. Bad CGI, bad actors, and it was little more than a series of scenes of violence interspersed with vaguely historical scenes followed by time skips, I remember it being boring too. I hold a personal grudge against this film because it has overtaken the novel in the collective memory and that is a crime I cannot ever forgive.
I remember that movie! Didn’t hate it, but I never read the novel. I had always assumed they were close enough without doing any further research lol.
I want to give a (dis)honorable mention to the very long and very boring writer vacation period known as the “serial killer genius that predicted our every move” genre. It’s amazingly lazy to just have people go anywhere and say “the serial killer is so smart that they planned for that too!”
Fantastic Beasts 3, Secrets of Dumbledore
If you liked Harry Potter before JKR decided to be fucking insane, and enjoy making fun of bad movies, you have to watch this monstrosity. It’s nonsense, the plot is insane, the writing is awful, the effects are bad, the filmmaking is bad, everything about it is awful.
And all of that for the core plot of “Our heroes have to get the magic deer to the Wizard election to ensure Grindelwald doesn’t prevent the Holocaust”
I want to be so clear that I am not exaggerating when I say they ensure the Holocaust isn’t prevented. In the second movie the bad guy shows visions of WW2 and the Holocaust and says “Follow me to prevent these horrors!”
Well… Fuck… Really?
Here’s the rally at the end of the second movie where he shows those visions
Grindelwald is the Hitler analog who is trying to enslave humanity. But he’s the one trying to prevent the Holocaust. It’s insane.
Im going to guess that in the third one he goes too far in an uncharacteristic manner like what happens to a lot of these villains because even if he is ruthless there has to be some extra shit to convince the audience that the guy preventing the deadliest war in human history is the true villain. Even if he is using that for propaganda purposes and is megalomaniac… I mean shit… Its world war 2
IIRC Grindelwald kills a baby in the very first scene he’s in in the first movie, so that’s how they establish that he’s evil.
Its weird but notable that all of JKR’s work in the Potterverse since book seven came out has been about how changing the past is bad. The Cursed Child was all about how going back in time to save Cedric Diggory’s life would somehow cause Voldemort to win, and then there’s this trilogy which explains that the Wizards couldn’t prevent the Holocaust because some unexplained worse thing would have happened.
It’s like JKR saw that “how it should have ended” short where Snape uses the time turner to kill Voldemort with a gun and took it way too seriously.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
The movie’s plot basically is the liberal dream: Hitler rigs an election but then is proved to have cheated so he gets a little mad but then drops out of the election anyway so the pure hearted liberal can be chosen by the voting machine
It’s such a baffling, ridiculous franchise after the first movie. I hate Rowling but I legitimately want them to continue, these were supposed to be a 5 movie series and I want to see how absurd it can get
And in this analogy Hitler is, again, the man who had visions of the Holocaust and nuclear bombs and is trying to prevent WW2
To be fair he’s planning to do this by murdering anyone who can’t use magic
It’s a fucking mess
I want to be so clear that I am not exaggerating when I say they ensure the Holocaust isn’t prevented-
Wow. I am seriously glad you wrote this because i still had to read it twice to be sure. Wow.
kickassia
i never had a worst movie before this one, but dragged across concrete.
watching it feels like being dragged across concrete and i have no idea how this ever got released. its not so much a movie as a laundry list of complaints about wokeness and minorities written by a nazi. it has no plot and very little in the way of characters beyond racial stereotypes. i didn’t seed on principle.
the file was corrupted a few minutes before the end, and it could not have come sooner. i can’t believe we managed to get so far through it.
it’s kind of interesting, you can see how the director gradually goes off the rails throughout his movies. the previous 2 are not good movies, and they’re pretty bad in terms of reactionary BS. but they were movies. the mask was still on. but dragged across concrete is simply not a movie.
i was just lamenting my laziness w/ posting on mobile. your comment is so much better
we gotta get u a laptop babe
i knowww
Amityville Death Toilet is the worst movie I have ever sat the whole way through. It’s about 5 minutes of hilarious toilet comedy and about 60 minutes of a 50 year old realtor walking around a house. The movie has less than no budget.
The Hobbit. I’ve probably seen “worse” films from a technical perspective, but that remains the only movie where I’ve left the theater angry, although that may have been because I was only getting got one day off per week at that time and so every hour of it I spent going to, watching, and returning home from that awful film was rage-inducing.
Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm. I’m one of the people who defends the first ATHF movie because it perfectly captures the dadaist stoner energy of the show, but god damn was ATHF’s return disappointing. It took me a couple tries to be able to sit through this film, because even as a “second screen” activity it was grating to me and I kept having to turn it off.
The Hobbit. I’ve probably seen “worse” films from a technical perspective, but that remains the only movie where I’ve left the theater angry,
I remember collectively hearing “what the fuck?” all around me in the theater at the final scene before credits in Desolation of Smaauuugh.
I don’t think any movie has infuriated me more than Little Man. The main character seems nice enough but every joke is on him, it’s so unnecessarily mean-spirited, and worse for a comedy, not very funny. I saw it when I was young, and it was still too juvenile for me. Not to mention (I haven’t seen it since then, but I imagine) it’s pretty offensive against people with dwarfism. Man, I hate that movie so much, even after all these years lol.
More recently, Fanf4stic was absolutely atrocious. It had some cool concepts with the characters and transformations, and then just ended all of a sudden. It’s like they ran out of budget halfway through. And way too long of an introduction, way too boring.
The final two installments of the Unbreakable trilogy—Split and Glass—absolutely diarrhea’d all over the original and were some of the absolute worst, cringe movies I’ve ever watched that were trying to be taken seriously. There are probably worse movies I’ve watched but those were the worst in recent history by far.
Twilight was also terrible but at least it was funny, thus fun, to watch.
Lol yeah, twilight is actually a decent movie if viewed as a comedy
Love On a Leash is a romcom about a woman and her dog. It’s on youtube and I promise you won’t regret watching it
I came here to also say Love On a Leash.
I can’t pick one so I’ll rattle off some names:
Without a Paddle: Shitty 2000s comedy with Seth Green and two other guys where they have a lame adventure trying to find BD Cooper’s stolen fortune or whatever.
Superman Returns: I remember watching it multiple times in a row when I got it on DVD because I kept forgetting I had just watched it minutes before, that’s how boring it was.
American Haunting: Another 2000s movie, this could have been a passable ghost movie with a decent setting (colonial US, suitably dour for a horror setting and appreciably novel at the time), but fell for the old trap of psychological horror / metaphor monster that horror movies sometimes do.
Don’t Mess with the Zohan:
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I found YouTube links in your comment. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Link 1:
Link 2:
