It sucks. I don’t have children because I’m barely functional. Can barely keep a roof over my own head, let alone maintain a romantic relationship.

I’ve wanted kids for a long time, but the only relationship that showed promise of that ended with a bunch of cheating and abuse. I eventually realized even if I was willing to put up with it, I couldn’t subject my kids to having her as a mother.

So I’m going on 42 and don’t know if I’m gonna make it.

Seriously like the most obvious fucking life hack.

Also, it’s generally super weird how everyone tries really hard to convince you that you are wrong about it. Like I could take all of the collective time people have spent trying to give me unsolicited input on some other random topic, and it wouldn’t even add up to a tenth of the time I’ve spent on the “why don’t you want kids?” Conversation. I’m sorry but that’s sus as fuck. Like some actual brain slug shit.

Meh depression is killing it, but I don’t think I’d be a good parent. I would probably be just fine but would rather help someone already here. Who knows.

Honestly? Kinda lonely. I’ll be 40 in a few months. I’m a woman, if the perspective matters .

I was engaged to the man I thought I’d marry and have kids with, but it didn’t turn out to be the case, and although I learned how to choose better and what to look out for, I also wonder if I’m ever going to get to have a family of my own. It’s been 6 years now since that fell apart, and I had to do a lot in that time to get back onto my feet, but the few relationships I’ve had since then are fleeting. Men seem afraid of commitment now, and it’s hard not to completely fall to the idea that I’m just too old, which is what society is consistently screaming at me.

I don’t feel old.

I am tired of searching though. At some point I will get to where I’m too old and that makes me sad to think about.

Beats the alternative.

Mixed, but mostly okay.

Pros: The world is massively overpopulated already. Our genes aren’t particularly noteworthy. I’m not very optimistic about the future. People’s happiness generally seems a lot less than it was when I was younger and I don’t see that changing.

Cons: Not being able to pass anything on - my knowledge and experience, ironically much of which was gained through having time that would have been unavailable if I had had kids. As we both get older, our own care is concerning. Doing physical things around our smallholding is getting harder and a pair of young hands would be nice.

I don’t begrudge other people having kids. We tried once but lost it and that kind of took the excitement out of it for us. Before we knew it, it was too late anyway.

You’re correct. I didn’t mean that 40 was itself too old, only that there is a certain point at which they’ll be too old for biological kids. No one is ever too old to find a new relationship though.

Something that only occurred to me just now is that when I was in my 20s and early 30s and still assumed I’d have children (despite that looming self imposed pressure feeling exactly like dread), the parent-child relationship I had imagined in my head was set in the past.

I grew up in the 90s and early 00s. I’m an elder millennial. I think my gen was very lucky in that we got to see and enjoy the rapid emergence of technology before today’s capitalistic enshittification but our interpersonal dynamics and everything we did didn’t rely on it either. So the ‘come home when it gets dark’ or ‘I’ll meet you at 4 at the cinema’ mentality was still strong. No social media or inability to switch off the connection to other people.

We also didn’t have the existential crises that come with thinking about climate change, the death of truth and the rise of misinformation, and the next pandemic.

So when I was picturing raising a child it was in a dated context that for the most part doesn’t exist anymore. Yes there’s exceptions to everything - I’m speaking in a very general sense - but I cannot imagine myself growing up in today’s world. I had a hard enough time back then, with similar struggles most kids have. How the fuck would I help my own child navigate it???

No thanks.

Been trying for 6 years. Not desperately, but it would be nice. Thinking about getting chickens.

Feels like the best decision I ever made.

Pretty great. I have money and free time.

Married, happy, and doing financially ok (house paid off but no real savings). Life would have been a lot harder with kids.

50F who never wanted kids.

I am lonely at times, but so are many others who have children. Most with grown children are more lonely than I am because they lose a deep connection that became central to their very being as their children grow and part. That is true even for people with good relationships with their grown children and increases with age pretty consistently in America.

There are opportunity costs regardless of how you spend your effort in this life. Parents spend most of their effort in the care and raising of another human. Even if they do a poor job of it, parenting at its bare minimum takes a lot of effort. I spent my efforts on education, work, hobbies and friends. I have money, independence and a deep love for learning. They have companionship, support systems and share a deep love with their children.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and they now have their own children. I love them and show up when I am needed. They do the same for me. But it is at a distance. I have never been that interested in hanging out with them and doing family things. I do attend some family events. I bring a fun energy when I do attend stuff. But I miss more than I attend and I am good with that.

Overall, I think I made the right choice and I feel pretty good about it.

Like Freedom. I love my niece and nephew and enjoy spending time with them. But if I had to feed, clothe, clean up after, provide for, and entertain them 24 hours a day (not even considering when they were babies!)… I literally cannot imagine it.

I wish we had. I’m regretting it more as I get older.