I’ve tried the serenity prayer without god and I’m reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, but it’s not enough. The book is good though.
There are still moments when people really piss me off and while I’d like that not to affect me, my first instinct is still to feel anger and to hate the jackass making my life or work difficult. Sometimes I’d like to punch him in the face.
It could be the plumber who doesn’t come on the agreed day, the technician who ‘repaired’ a tv set, only to have the same issue the next day, a coworker who keeps yelling when I’m trying to work and even after asking him not to be loud, blatantly ignores me or coworkers who importunate me with stupid questions about my weekend.
A strategy I’m going to use now at the workplace is to ignore every non related job question from these people and only answer when they ask something job related. As for the plumber, the hate usually subsides after 2 days, but I’d like to be more resilient, not to jump to anger and hate so easily.
It’s like I’m emotionally very easy to trigger.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
This is how I feel sometimes.
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Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh
Getting to Where You Are by Steven Harrison
Journey Without Goal by Chogyam Trungpa
I recommend them in this order. I think Journey Without Goal is more useful after reading the other two - it’s not a good starting point. The idea is sort of to start with calming the noise in your head that makes you anxious or upset, then explore understanding and getting to know yourself, and then after finding some measure of internal stability work on larger perspectives on your life and your relationship with others.
In my experience you’re describing loneliness and perhaps depression. These are not easy things to overcome, but they are universal.
Our society is well equipped to deal with broken bones, much less than its ability to mend hearts and minds.
Walking and sunlight are relatively easy circuit breakers, talking might be a little harder to find, but asking here is a good start.
If you have the financial means or employer support, it can be extremely helpful to speak with a psychologist, but just like plumbers, there are bad ones, good ones and great ones, so don’t hesitate to try a few different people on for size.
Reacting in anger gets easier the more you do it, the same is true for reacting with grace, but you have to practise to get better at it. Take an extra breath before opening your mouth is one way to get started.
Finally, find fun, watch a flashmob or a funny song on YouTube, dance, be silly. It’s hard to be angry whilst you’re smiling.
Good luck.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
Definitely do agree, and I fall victim to this myself. I think the root cause is feeling that powerlessness is unacceptable. Resolve that root cause, and the emotional reaction to powerlessness solves itself.
The way I work towards that resolution is to try to recognize that “not being in complete control of things” is the default state. Then I try to add some “make the best decisions I can considering the circumstances I find myself in” – even (especially?) when those circumstances are the result of my own previous “less than best” decisions.
I don’t always succeed at this. That’s just how it goes. Reassess the circumstances, make another decision. If I’m continually running into difficulty, take smaller steps, make smaller decisions.
It’s a process, and a skill, developing a skill requires practice, and practicing means not being very good at it in the beginning, and never being perfect.
Take a pause, take a breath, figure out where you’re at and where you want to go, make a decision and execute on it. Expect to fail, and forgive yourself when you do.
Regulation activities will help you build up more resilience.
You’re at the edge. Your cup is full. You’re out of copium. You need to purposefully recharge.
This might sound odd, but start listening to metal music.
A lot of the lyrics in these songs are aggressive and downright violent (especially if you start listening to death metal and black metal), and for me, it helps to release my emotion.
For example, many people think “I want to punch that person right in their dumb face”. Listening to a song that talks about doing it, and mentally visualizing it, is very cathartic. I don’t really know how to explain it, but just letting go to the music and having it take all your rage and frustration helped me a lot going through similar situations.
I like reading this poem whenever I’m feeling like I’m about to lose it. It helps me find my center again:
Just Let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them.
If they are okay with never seeing you, let them.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, let them.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, let them.
If they want to follow the crowd, let them.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, let them.
If they act like they can live without you, let them.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, and let them.
Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own. So let them.
Cassie Phillips
Same here. Earbuds. Grey Rock Method.
There is only one way to effectively get bullies to stop, and it’s not good for your continued employment. I recommend seeking a new job and reporting your issues to someone in charge. At least those are some productive actions you can (legally) take.
I’ve been trying to practice compassion for the people that piss me off. Trying to remember that folks are all doing their best and may be dealing with even more stress and anxiety than I am dealing with.
The other thing that has really helped me is deliberately practicing gratitude for all of the great things in my life. Family, pets, health, food, shelter, car that works reliably, etc. it’s counterintuitive that focusing on these will help, but focusing on these things makes the things hat anger me seem so much less important.
I have compassion for people on the subway that act like monkeys, screaming and moving around a lot. Their maturity levels simply doesn’t allow them to understand basic nice behavior.
They are in the very beginning of their human experience, someone who just spawned into a game on level one and never played before.
And still they annoy me so much. Lol.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, too, if you’re on a “hair trigger” with your emotions. Some self care and/or therapy may help with some of it, but you sound like you’re on the right track already. Try to be aware of when you feel that way, try to identify why the situation makes you feel that way, ask yourself what you can do in that situation too change anything, and try to view the situation from other perspectives (doesn’t have to be from the perspective of the person making you angry, but can be a stranger viewing the situation from the outside).
Best of luck to you! And keep in mind that by just wanting to improve yourself in this way, you’re already take a step more than most people!
Stoicism might interest you:
One of my strategies is to first ask myself, “Does it matter? How much?” and then “What could I do about it? Do I care enough to do that?”
Then I act or shrug or medicate or politely interrogate why-incompetent-person-did-incompetent-goddamn-thing based on that.
Experience: worked a service job for too long, judging an issue’s worth to me is like a reflex now. It takes practice
Whenever I get into an argument with someone on the Internet and I keep arguing with them past the point I should stop (it’s useless or I’m just wicked frustrated) I set up a monthly donation to something that would piss them off. And that’s why I have monthly donations to Sesame Street, the ACLU, and the SPLC.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
kinda, but speaking form experience it is not healthy and puts strain on relationships.
Therapy and meds have helped (and a dash of cannabis and psilocybin)
I mean with the plumber your the customer so, ya know, use a different plumber or if its something simple like a faucet you can get a home depot book or use the internet and do it yourself. Like replacing a p-trap or a toilet flusher is dead simple. If its in the wall though then you have to start being a bit at a higher level. I honestly have never had something like a tv repaired. I might unscrew the back and see if anything is obviously wrong and then likely get a new one. I agree with the work thing. If its non work related I would just say I need to conecentrate as im having a problem with x project and Im trying a different approach or something.
I have to agree with this. I’m more inclined to learn how to do something myself before calling a service person. I don’t trust people to do shit right. And if I find it’s above my pay grade, then maybe I’ll have learned enough in looking into it to know whether or not I’m getting screwed over.
I mean personally I would overall have a professional do it but I won’t put up with shit work. I actually have what is currently a good company near me for plumbing but it was a family one that recently got bought out so… who knows where that will go.
I think arriving to the ability to not let this trigger you requires a lot of little decisions and changes. Like accepting that people will fail or suck at their job, being able to roll with shit, having alternate/backup plans… Like if the cable guy was coming today, then I’d have shit planned to do around the house and I wouldn’t plan anything else that day. I’d game, clean, do chores, do outside projects, change the car oil, whatever needs to be done nearby that I can take a break from when they finally show up. Small businesses I’d probably call in the morning and verify they’re showing up for sure that day.
I guess it’s a combination of assuming the worst case scenario and focusing on what you can control. (“Plan fo the worst, hope for the best”) So in the case of the shitty co worker, I’d ask them to tone it down. If they won’t, then what can I do? Can I move elsewhere? If I can’t I might ask the supervisor if they can get my desk moved. Of course they are going to do the easier job of telling Jack wagon to stfu but now it’s coming from the supervisor. I can control the coworker, but I can control myself, I can try to manipulate the situation. There might be other options depending on the situation like putting in earbuds and refraining from clubbing them like a baby seal.
But yeah, I agree. I think a person yells when they think they have no power over the situation. I grew up being yelled at all the time it’s very easy for me to fall into that trap too and I understand how hard it is to not resort to that when I’m frustrated or overwhelmed. It gets 100x worse when I’m tired.
