Like a sea turtle trying to get up on a raft.
What a mental image. Brain bleach, stat, please.
I’m still chuckling over this.
I was at the zoo a few years ago when Aldabra Tortoises were fucking. It was that but a few octaves lower, and you could hear it from the start of the section. If you imaging what a large turtle fucking would sound like in some dumb sex comedy movie, it was exactly that.
That’s not helping…
Five years ago…
Probably had it a couple of other times since then. Would have to check his posts to be sure. Willing to bet there were maybe a few times where God was not there.
I used to fill in for god to watch him have sex, I thought him having god watch was for religious reasons, but he just can’t get off unless someone’s silently judging him in the corner.
Are they still married?
These types typically call it quits quickly
Is this a parody, or did someone actually brag on twitter about having sex? I honestly can’t tell what’s satire any more.
The other posters replying to you are as bad as the clickbait links they posted. I’m not about to go searching this guys social media, but this image or quote it wasn’t in either link they shared.
What the fuck is wrong with you posters? Not answering the question and posting a link to a news article that also doesn’t answer the question? Fucking don’t wast my time jesus.
jesus
Jesus was not there.
The whole of the internet to figure out if something is factual or not and yet you demand someone else does the thinking for you
No wonder AI will replace us so easily
No, I “demand” that they don’t post in a way that implies the thing is real with links when the links don’t contain that information.
I will admit I’m being a grouchy ass. Sorry I’m taking my frustration out on you guys.
Us nothing, him, maybe.
Omg the logic in this comment is miraculously inconsistent. I’m honestly impressed with the fact that this came into your brain, proceeded to flow out of you into the keyboard, and not once did you stop yourself to think “wait a second, does what I’m saying even make sense?”
Congratulations. This is probably the dumbest comment I’ve read in months 👍
Ummmm, this is so cringe:
https://www.orlandoweekly.com/news/looks-like-tim-tebow-has-finally-had-the-sex-26678445
Could be either way, honestly. He’s a fundie who bragged about remaining a virgin until marriage. He finally got hitched to a former Miss Universe of all people, at age 32 or something.
Miss Universe
That shit’s so rigged. Always an earthling. SMH
Yeah, pretty much don’t stand a chance unless you’re a featherless biped with two boobs.
Well who else would win, a vogon?
Thinks of the tentacle possibilities. !
Oh trust me, I do
Well who else would win, a vogon?
Just keep in mind God doesn’t think anal and oral sex (hopefully not in that order, but no shame you do you) counts according to some religious people i met.
according to some religious people i met
🥴
Known Biblically
This is so uninformative you would have been better off not saying anything at all.
Knowing someone biblically is a well known euphemism, what are you talking about?
He’s definitely okay with oral. Provided you swallow.
There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.
– Mark 7:15
Damn! Mark was one kinky motherfucker.
He hung out with a bunch of dudes and the main guy’s beard who was clearly just a prostitute he was paying to make the whole thing look legitimate. I mean obviously he’d be into this stuff.
The legends of the poophole loophole are still spread to these days.
My understanding is that anal and oral are “wrong” in the same way masturbation is, it’s spilling your seed outside of sex for procreation.
But like, clearly a tier better than premarital sex so…
That also isn’t the moral of that story, despite what they tell you in Sunday school. Onan was punished because he didn’t want to impregnate his brother’s widow, which would have legally given his late brother an heir rather than Onan inheriting the property. Look up “levirate marriage”.
No one talks about the follow up to that story, where Onan’s dad Judah is like, “shit! this woman is trouble! I can’t lose my last son!” He basically tells Tamar (the widow) to go back to her dad, blows her off.
Tamar gets sick of it, goes into town, disguises herself as a temple prostitute. Judah comes to town, asks what it costs for a roll in the hay, and she asks for his family’s token so she’ll know he’s good for it.
She ends up pregnant, and the elders of the village bring her before Judah - “hey, your daughter in law was a whore and got knocked up, we are putting her to death.” He says, “who knocked you up?” - she produces the family token. He says “ah shit, you got me.” She has the kid, gets the inheritance. Depending on which gospel, she could be Jesus’s great (x a bunch) grandmother.
Like Genesis outright recognizes what she did as right. She’s the hero of the story.
The wording could just mean he pulled out.
I’ve always wondered where the word “onanist” came (lol) from… I’m guessing from this
fairy taleaccurate historical account of genuine events.
If you believe Jesus, even looking at a woman with lust in your heart is equivalent to full-on adultery, so no tiers. Many Christians actually believe that and, for example, would treat discovering a partner watching porn as if they’ve discovered the partner cheating.
They’re both considered sodomy
Which is wild because that’s like the least bad thing the Sodomites were up to (and Lot’s whole family was pretty fucked too). But people will latch onto the flimsiest justification that reinforces their beliefs, in this case “gay dudes are icky.”
Even almighty God cannot witness things that fast.
he had the sex
And he came in three seconds.
He had THE Sex. You know the one sex you get in your life and then never again.
Considering sex dries up after marriage it’s pretty accurate
Only if you don’t keep working at your partnership and are just there for the comfort of not being cosmically alone, sure.
If anything I feel like it got better after marriage.
Are you the neighbour?
God was there
In the corner
Quietly jerking off
Then cumming over the two of them
God is a kinky dude, I like him.
He was on the cuck chair
“And the Holy Spirit came upon them…”
Would you call that a blessing?
Sack-ra-ment?
I want your blessings all over my face
Ask and you shall receive
Can you feel the Holy Spirit inside you?
He got that woman pregnant once before her husband had even had a go.
From prima nocta to prima knocked-up.
And God was there!
Man, what a waste.
In Tebow’s shoes I’d have been having sex with every woman I see.
So did Magic Johnson
