Well I’d kind of known since forever in a “ha ha, but everyone feels like that though, right?” way. Then some ADHD memes randomly came up on Youtube, and I realized that it was me, exactly. The same thing happened with egg_irl a while earlier, and since doing something about that had made my life much better, I went to see a psychiatrist, who immediately agreed that I had ADHD and prescribed me some drugs.

It also didn’t help that I’m predominantly-inattentive type, which is apparently more common in women (surprise!)

Mom took me to the doctor when I was like a toddler and having sleeping problems or something and the doctor decided I had ADHD and tried prescribing meds (which my mom refused). Not sure when I learned about this though and if I already thought I probably had ADHD before I found out. I certainly remember one of my friend’s dad commenting about how I couldn’t sit more than other kids when I was like 7yo.

My executive functioning fell off a cliff when a lot of externally enforced routines all stopped during Covid lockdowns. While watching YouTube it suddenly recommended a video describing what adhd can look like in adults. I looked into it more and am 99.99% sure. It explains so much about my whole life.

As I am not looking to get medicated and the waitlist for an official diagnosis is long I don’t see the point at the moment. Especially because I don’t feel like I need someone else to verify what I already know.

My boomer parents shared some boomer comedy video about “pensioner adhd” or something, with an old lady trying to send a letter and being continually distracted, forgetting what she’s doing and starting a new task, again and again. They were laughing and saying how that’s what it’s like when you get old, and I genuinely didn’t understand, “that’s just what my life is like”.

That, coupled with life long education / career problems that ended with me signed off work for longer and longer stretches I finally spoke to a professional about it…

I knew it since 30 years ago, but got officially diagnosed at 52 or so.

I was listening to a podcast about it. I was especially tuned into it because my new stepson was diagnosed long ago, and I thought it should help me understand what I was getting into. I really enjoyed the speaker, so I bought his book for more info.

In the book, I learned all about “inattentive type” which I had never heard of before. As he described the characteristics of inattentive, I was trying to figure out how that was any different from normal, and then it hit me:

I actually have no idea how a normal brain works.

I was in therapy already for other reasons, and they suggested ADD. Only acted upon- and medicated after I fully crashed though.

Realized that something was wrong with me as I couldn’t study or do things that I need to do, still don’t have my diagnosis tho

Basically all the memes hit very close to home, all the ADHD lived experience posts, all the physical symptoms lists, all the childhood signs for inattentive ADHD. Everything fit. Delayed sleep schedule? My best sleep hours are 2:30-11:30 am. Always hated waking up for school, always chose to work either at night or late afternoon. Very sensitive to rejection. Was drinking a monster every day on my way to work and yawning all day anyway. Could always sleep, no matter when or where, when the pandemic started and I was home and not working for the first 6 weeks and I slept 16 + hours a day, every day, for the entire 6 weeks, but never felt any more rested. I’d pass out during moving and shows if I was the slightest bit disinterested. Did cocaine once as a dumb 20-something, had the most relaxing evening ever, I thought we’d been given dud stuff. Time is functionally meaningless to me when evaluating the length tasks take.

It was just endless, every time I heard of a new ADHD symptom it hit HARD, especially the ones describing childhood for ADHD girls. I’m also pretty damn sure I’m autistic so, there’s also that.

Two children diagnosed using my school reports as background. All the signs.

While getting an adult diagnosis here is expensive and difficult, it’s probably inevitable.

I’ll get 'round to it soon…

I was in the denialist camp. Not understanding what it was, I thought it was “a social media epidemic” and not a real thing.

My nephew (roughly my age, for context) told me he thought he had it, which I dismissed, also that it’s genetic (knowing my mom and sister it did make a bit more sense…) then almost immediately came across a comment in Reddit of someone who had ADHD and wrote an experience that resonated SO MUCH with me. At that point I was mega suspicious.

I met my partner a couple of months after that, and another couple of months later, he moved into a house with a landlady… with ADHD. She’s actually an ADHD coach now. Whenever her and I got together we essentially were mirrors of each other, forgetting things, misplacing things, dissociating, hyperfocusing, fidgeting…

I got diagnosed a year after that.

When you’re young masking is a lot easier. Pair that with the ability to drink pots of coffee nonstop throughout the day to self medicate and the time to exercise for at least an hour every day and you can get by pretty effectively. At some point though you get old and busy enough that A: it’s not possible to physically drink enough coffee to self medicate anymore and B: you don’t always have 1-2h a day to devote to exercise. At that point it becomes apparent that you should probably be on medication if you want to remain high functioning.

From YouTube and friends that have it I definitely suspected I did in my 20s. It wasn’t until my early/mid 30s though I got evaluated for it due to issues I was starting to have getting things done at work (forgetting things that needed completed, missing details, zoning out on calls more often). I think I masked it well previously because my work was varied and challenging but a new role had me doing more mundane things that required experience and attention to details but weren’t difficult for me or overly stimulating.

I… can’t remember…?

…

DAMMIT

Reading adhd memes and realizing it was just me