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I was really starting to notice how much I identified with issues and problems and just the general way of being other people with ADHD and autism describe it, so went to the doctor to find out. Was diagnosed with ADHD and BPD, and given a referral for further testing for autism and other issues, but my appointments kept getting pushed back for that until I eventually gave up on it and am now seeking a different doctor that takes my insurance, because there’s a good chance I am actually on the spectrum.
I thought I was BPD too! I asked a relationship therapist after she had known me for ~3 months, and she opposed that I was BPD. Then, I asked my psychologist friends that had known me for ~7 years if I was BPD, which they emphatically opposed as well. Apparently, we can have wild mood swings that can appear to be BPD to a clinician that is not properly trained or has some countertransference/projection issues.
I hope it works out with the new clinician and you get a proper evaluation.
I didn’t even know about BPD until I was given my diagnosis. It explains a lot about my relationships tho. I either worship the ground you walk on or wish you were dead and struggle to maintain stable feelings.
My diagnosed-autistic boyfriend mentioned it to me. I researched it, the label fit. Took the online quizzes, started adapting some of the suggested coping strategies/‘life hacks’ and they helped.
Then I realized that maybe all the comfortable, ‘normal’ engineering nerd college friends I fit in with were less neurotypical than I thought. Other friends that had formal diagnoses told me that I felt autistic to them. We flock, you know. Later, I mentioned it to my therapist and she was like “yeah, you seem autistic to me”.
I was a psych undergrad, but never really made any friends there. All my friends were nuclear engineering students.
Still waiting on my assessment.
I was working in a school with a lot of differnt courses. I’ve come across a few like “working with Nerodivergence” things just clicked.
I asked a colleague if this behaviors list was accurate as it could apply to anyone. They asked why I thought that. because all there are things i do and I’m not… oh.
omg, I was at a farmer’s market one day with my ex. We went up to a tent that was selling these little toys that were basically cubes with different fidget tools on each end, like a light switch, buttons, a spinning volume-like knob, etc. I asked the lady what they were for. She said that autistic kids really like them. I played with it for a few seconds and responded, “Man, those autistic kids really know what’s up.” I then bought one for me and one for my ex’s 7 y/o nephew. He loved it! Like a year later, I find out I’m autistic, so I go into the deep dive of learning about autism and find out that autistic kids often flap their hands when they’re excited. Guess who else did that? My ex’s nephew.
Another incident was when I was at my friend’s house and saw his 3 y/o daughter walking on her toes. I pointed it out, and the mom said, “Yeah, she got that from [the father’s] side of the family. 😮💨” I said, “Hmm…I get it. I used to walk like that, too. It hurts to hit your heel on the ground and provides for better shock absorption.” About 3 months later, the father tells me he’s autistic.
I was so oblivious!! 🤦 😆
I, too, walk on the balls of my feet! I dislike the thump thump my heels make on the floor so I walk like that to avoid it.
I met an autistic woman (same age, late 40’s) and watched the Chris Packham documentary. I then began to research heavily into my new (special) interest, read how women present differently than men, did a few of those online tests, and then went to my GP to ask for a referral, which led to my official diagnosis
I think that I’ve always felt ‘other’ and never fitted in despite trying (masking) and also the fact that everyone I’ve run into conflict with has always said my communication (verbal) is poor, and that socially I’m either a bit ‘weird’ or introvert/loner etc, but also I don’t really want to fit into the ‘norm’ because it feels fake, and stupid, and I feel like an alien anyway
Since then, I realise that my dad is definitely autistic (loves trains and his interests haven’t changed since he was a child), friends I have/had, as well as the people I gravitate towards are also probably autistic. I’m fairly certain my boyfriend is (he is also convinced), and I look at my mother and also wonder…hmmmm
Every difficulty I’ve ever had including anxiety, problems interacting with others, depression, general stubbornness, weird moodiness that comes on for ‘no reason’ (basically misinterpreted sensory overload causing shutdowns/meltdowns), being bullied at every educational level plus work is me trying to mask my autism and fit in, while failing miserably…
It was a huge relief to read about autism in women, and know that ‘these are my people’ and I’m actually a just an autistic person :)
I also want to add, this is my first interaction with this community, although I’ve really enjoyed all the memes, some had me laughing my head off. I used to lurk and occasionally comment on some of the female autism subs on reddit, so I’m glad this place exists here, it’s got a good vibe!
It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can’t I make really social connection that aren’t just surface level. And why can’t I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can’t stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can’t i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, “Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol”
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can’t make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can’t say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven’t been tested yet but honestly it’s so I can’t be as doubtful of myself. I swear I’ll struggle through a social situation and come home and go “hmmmm I’m not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don’t have autism and am just faking it”. He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.
That sounds like such an interesting journey. You seem to have a lot more self-awareness than I do, too. lol. There were sooooo soooo many signs that I acknowledged existed, but I never connected them to autism. I just felt that I was weird, wrong, weak, or broken. Never once did I think, “Maybe I’m autistic.” Not once.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
You are unforgiven because I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. You can be as lengthy, weird, quirky, or autistic as you want in here as long as you don’t blatantly break the rules.
I met several autistic folk over my life and each and every one of them suggested I might be autistic. Then my nephew got diagnosed with autism. Then my mom started thinking back on all the social and emotional issues that were brushed off by medical people when I was a child. Then I got an in depth psychological evaluation, and surprise surprise! Autism. Explained a lot…
My therapist brought up the possibility that I may be neurodivergent. I had gone through a difficult breakup and was increasing angry and impulsive and had no idea what to do.
After a few sessions, she noticed a lot of my issues of feeling alienated and social exhaustion were very similar to other clients she had. I was technically diagnosed early on but my parents disregarded it and so I continued life without knowing otherwise.
So throughout my adolescence, I had difficulties with “fitting in” and a pervasive sense of incompetency that developed into long-term depression. My perpetual exhaustion was due to the fact I was masking constantly. It’s been freeing and I’ve been a lot more forgiving of myself especially to my past.
I was technically diagnosed early on but my parents disregarded it and so I continued life without knowing otherwise.
When I applied for services through a local program, they conducted an assessment of my time in school. Through that assessment, the evaluator pointed out that the frequent meetings my parents had with the school and special attention and considerations I was getting from teachers and school was because I was more than likely on a program for autistic kids. My parents are now dead, but when I was getting evaluated for autism as an adult, I had to ask my uncle a bunch of questions as requested by the psychologist. When I brought it up to him, it was as if he already knew I was autistic and became a bit shameful and has barely spoken to me since then when we used to speak about every two weeks. I think that there is something I don’t know about my childhood or he feels guilty that they never told me, leading to me having so much difficulty as an adult.
So throughout my adolescence, I had difficulties with “fitting in” and a pervasive sense of incompetency that developed into long-term depression. My perpetual exhaustion was due to the fact I was masking constantly.
Jeez, it’s like we all lived the same life without knowing it. We were so alone thinking we were the only ones, yet we were all experiencing similar lives.
It’s been freeing and I’ve been a lot more forgiving of myself especially to my past.
Yay!! 🥳
Thank you for the response! It’s been oddly validating reading other people’s shared experiences. One of my first responses to reading supplied material my therapist later provided was a solid facepalm because it was legitimately word-for-word the issues I brought up in the first session.
I was briefly in a special needs program early on during school which I did enjoy. We’d go on excursions away from the standard school schedule. My parents were looking out for what they thought were my best interest - despite how narrow-minded it may be. I always try to remind myself that family rarely if ever acts out of malice but misguided views
You’re welcome! 🙂
Sounds like your path of forgiveness is peaceful
My mental health has been slowly degrading over the last 20 years. But when something changes very slowly I always wonder “did it really change?”. Also when I am depressed it feels like I have allways been depressed. So for a long time I didn’t do anything about it and just tried to function. Our neighbours, who are also friends are social workers and they work with autistic people who can not live without help but are mostly independent. They once let slip that they think I could be autistic. When everything got so bad that I finally couldn’t procrastinate looking for therapy any more I had an initial talk with a psychologist. They asked some questions we were talking about many aspects of my life when I told them about the theory. Next thing they told me was: “This must be diagnosed before you start any kind of therapy because the therapy would need to be completely different depending on the diagnosis.” So I started searching for places who diagnose autism in adults. Every one in my area had waiting lists for years so I started looking further out. In the end I was lucky and found a place in a city I could reach by train (I can’t drive) where I had to wait only a month or so. The friendly psychologist there told me after a few minutes that she was reasonably sure I was autistic and had ADHD but that we still needed to do all the tests just to be sure. We did all the tests and it was confirmed.
Wowww. That’s a long hard road. I’m happy your neighbors let slip out and that you took as valuable information to make sense of your difficulties. Did you end up engaging in mental health services after the diagnosis?
Had my first therapy session last week. We both still have to decide if we are a good fit, but it’s looking good. It was already a big help for me knowing that I’m not just lazy and wasting my talent but doing my best in a bad situation and that no amount of willpower would have gotten me over this.
I can now have much more compassion with myself. Life is still hard but I’m taking steps to make it better and I’m not alone. My wife supports me as much as she can.
I’m so happy for you! I hope it works out with this therapist. If it doesn’t, there are a bunch more therapists you can engage with. Some of the most helpful advice I got when I first found out about being autistic was to “listen to your gut”. If something doesn’t feel right, then you don’t need to endure it. You’re paying for it, so it should be a safe and helpful experience.
I’m not very good at identifying feelings that are not extreme. So that is sadly not very much use to me.
Same. I even have trouble telling when I’m hungry. I usually can only tell when I’m either irritable or weak and notice that I haven’t eaten in a long time.
A long time I experienced myself as “normal”. It didn’t occur to me, that “all the others are weird” can’t be right. While reading about ADHD a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) “You most certainly are autistic”. Eventually I had enough of it and looked it up. The Wikipidia article convinced me blazingly fast (“wrong planet syndrome”) and I got diagnosed within half a year by the age of 34 (i.e. 8 years ago by the time of writing).
It didn’t occur to me, that “all the others are weird” can’t be right.
It hadn’t occurred to me until right now when I read that 🤦
a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) “You most certainly are autistic”.
Did you ever discussed it with him after you got your diagnosis? What do you think was up with his confidently wrong assessment?
My son was diagnosed before he even turned 3 and his younger sister was being assessed, both of them are non-verbal. What I was learning about it put so many things from my entire childhood and youth in perspective and everything finally made sense, so I consulted and sure enough was diagnosed myself. My parents refused to accept it, they said I’m making excuses to not act “normally” and have cut all contact. I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don’t deserve that.
My parents refused to accept it, they said I’m making excuses to not act “normally” and have cut all contact.
That’s about them. I wonder what is up with that because it seems so irrational to me. Perhaps they feel guilty, embarrassed, or something and can’t handle it, so it’s safer for them to blame you and the entire medical community than accept any sort of feelings related to it. Still, it’s so messed up.
I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don’t deserve that.
That’s great! I’m happy to hear you’re taking it in a healthy manner and protecting your kids ❤️
The realisation came slowly over a period of ten years. I now believe both parents are on the spectrum and that surely contributed to normalisation of the behaviours during childhood. The earliest clues came from reading message boards, forums and web pages of the early internet. People described their symptoms and it chimed. I had always puzzled over my parents obsessive tendencies. My mother with numbers and patterns, being highly sensitive in some ways and completely deficient in others. My father’s facility with logic and technical problems, his rages and oppositional defiance.
Growing up I thought everyone was like this but places like school terrified me, the noise and clamour was awful. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I was baffled by school and did nothing there, my personal projects were where I did all my learning. Machines made much more sense to me than the people around me.
It was the drug addictions that really pushed me to consider that there was something different about my experience. I was always trying to bend my conception of reality with the evidence around me. I became an expert of my own mental health while I studied the various disorders described in the DSM. That’s what finally convinced me but I didn’t seek a formal diagnosis, there’s no point now. Maybe it’s not even autism, that would be a good one.
It was the drug addictions that really pushed me to consider that there was something different about my experience.
Yes! I’ve read that autistic and ADHD people are more likely to self-medicate using drugs. For me, alcohol was amazing. It would dull my senses and slow my brain down enough to be able to focus on the immediate world around me and focus. I’m happy that you took that experience as a learning moment to figure things out. The way I see it, we’re not drug abusers. We’re trying to cope in a world that is not considerate of our needs and then blames us for the difficulties we have. It can be pretty alienating. In the words of my favorite English musician, “I’ve always felt so fucking detached, and broken, bruised, and mismatched. Find it hard to relax. Living under the cracks. Trying to fill in the gaps. Lying here on my back. Still, I can’t find a sense of peace in my mind, declined it. Pulse increased and my sweat combines with a feeling so deep I fall inside it.” The song is Depression by Ren.
That’s what finally convinced me but I didn’t seek a formal diagnosis, there’s no point now. Maybe it’s not even autism, that would be a good one.
If you have doubt, then it might be worth it to clear it up and potentially access relevant services. Otherwise, if you don’t already, you can try applying techniques that help autistic people and see if that makes significant improvements in your life.
I’m someone who’s questioning if they’re on the spectrum. I never thought about the self medication adject. I’m pretty sure I’m doing that with weed. It helps me calm down and just feel happier in general. I also really like to use it in group settings as it makes me feel so much more comfortable and talkative around others.
Tangentially related, but I keep a pair of ear plugs on me at all times in case I enter a loud environment that I either want to be at, or can’t leave right away. So like parties, the Fair, concerts, etc. That keeps me from feeling overwhelmed and allows me to actually enjoy or tolerate the event I’m at.
Those sound like traits/behaviors common with autistic people. You might find the self-assessment scales in the helpful resources post that you can find via the sidebar insightful.
I’ve always felt that I am “from another planet”, both in social interactions and because I feel like an alien clumsily operating a meat puppet. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for decades, but treatments didn’t really help. My social-worker daughter suggested a couple of years ago that perhaps I am autistic, so I started looking into it. I scored as autistic on all the online self-tests. It made sense, explained a lot of my life events. For objective verification, a month ago I went to a diagnostician. Sure enough, I’m a highly-masking autistic person.
I’m 60. It’s such a relief to know that my struggles in life were not because I am a weak or lazy person. I don’t hate myself anymore; on the contrary, I am a bit proud of how much I accomplished in life considering I didn’t know “What the hell is wrong with” me (as my dad would frequently ask).
I find it quite validating that a lot of our experiences have been so similar. Though it’s sad that many of us suffered similar difficulties on our own, I’m happy that autism awareness has been catching on and that there are spaces like this community where we can get together.
I am a bit proud of how much I accomplished in life considering I didn’t know “What the hell is wrong with” me (as my dad would frequently ask).
hell yeah! ✊
In 2019 my friend started sending me compilations of ADHD and ASD videos and memes. They had clocked me long before I understood myself, probably due to my severe sensory issues that make life hell for me and anyone living with me. I thought they were funny and really resonated but it was a very very slow realization. I was in a lot of denial but the more other people talked about their struggles (through comedy, my main coping mechanism) the more I identified with them.
I’ve been formally diagnosed with ADHD. I have taken all of the tests for ASD and score highly but I am not pursuing an official diagnosis. The ADHD can be used for any accommodation I request and generally isn’t used against people the way an ASD diagnosis would be.
It’s been about a 4 year journey of self reflection and exposure to what ADHD/ASD really are (vs. the dated stereotypes of “squirrel” or nonverbal or Rain Man) to understand there’s an explanation for my many, many traits.
Tl;Dr funny tiktoks made me question my identity and I unraveled
A few years back there was a reddit AMA on “people with autism, how would you describe it to people without?”. I read it out of curiosity, and with a growing sense of unease that most of the things people described I identified with myself! At the time I largely shook off – I’m an introverted nerd, of course I like spending time on my own and focussed on an interest – but a pretty common thing mentioned was “it feels like everyone else got the instruction manual of how to behave and socialise and I missed out”, and I felt that one in my soul. More recently my brother was exploring the possibility he might be (ND friends had suggested it) and he passed on the embrace-autism.com website which I again identified pretty strongly with, and more pertinently, absolutely aced the self-assessment tests. It still would have been just a now-strong-possibility, but otherwise not that relevant, but after attending a particularly loud party with my girlfriend I had a shutdown episode. I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced it before but probably not in front of someone like that, and that was when I decided to investigate more formally.
