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Hobbies and pursuing them. Like board games? Join the local game night! Like sailing? Join a sailing club and attend! Like football? Join a local football team. Like thinking and debating? Join a Sceptic Society!
It’s hard to be the new kid, it never changes with age, but you just need a few shared experiences and people start thinking of you as part of the tribe.
Like sex? Join a sex club!
Sure. Not for me, but I do have a friend who’s very active in the swinging scene and he’s made friends there.
I guess that joke works for almost every activitiy, except for those which incorporate death of people.
Except you’re necrophile, so even there. /s
Like sex? Join a sex club!
easier said than done, buddy! there’s not just sex clubs hanging around that any man can just go and join
My partner and I recently moved to an entirely new city. It’s in a region I’ve lived in before, but a different city.
We found a meet up group called “ 20 something’s meetup” and went to a few events. We found some people we really enjoyed and invited them to a few other events, and still regularly attend the group as a whole. The internet has done a lot of work for us.
Bars on Friday nights, volunteering, or church. The Masons if you’re male and want to meet intellectuals.
The free masons?
Yeah. I joined in my 20s and enjoyed it, but it was a bit too old of a crowd for me to really fit in. I figure I’ll go back in my 40s.
Too many of my relatives are Masons, I figure it would just be like hanging out with my old relatives.
Hahaha it can definitely feel that way sometimes. There were a few younger guys at my lodge but we never really clicked. On the plus side, politics are never talked about in the lodge so I never felt like I was around a bunch of conservatives or anything like that. It was a great experience and everyone was open-minded and friendly.
I ended up working on a project for the lodge for a few years with a small group that was guys in their 40s to 80s, and it felt great to get several father figures. They gave me some great guidance in my young adulthood.
I’ve heard that the Shriners attract a younger crowd and they apparently have some crazy parties, but I never got that far. You need to be a Mason to become a Shriner.
I recommend the paid subscription masons, the ads in the free version are really obnoxious
Joining the Masons for intellectual discourse sounds a few centuries out of date. During the Enlightenment, Masonic lodges were rife with radical debate about science, philosophy, human rights and more perfect forms of government, though these days they’re mostly for elderly conservative small businessmen in provincial towns. (You even have to swear to believe in a supreme being to be a Mason, though someone apparently fudge this by defining a supreme being in a circular fashion.)
I can assure you that the Masons are still primarily focused on intellectual discussion.
Very repellant choices, specially the religious ones
Put yourself ‘out there’ more. Friends are very unlikely to fall into your lap. Don’t shy away from get togethers that you usually would and you’ll likely find people that you gel with. Work is a good place to make friends and you can branch out from there. Pre-established friend groups are also nice to get in on. Other than that, regular activities are good (gym, classes, volunteering etc) there are nice people everywhere (just avoid the dicks)
“I have problems being social”
“Be social”
You have to be ok with believing that you’re not annoying others when talking about yourself and asking about them. And you have to do it in a not-creepy way. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
The creeper paradox: the harder you try not to be, the more you appear to be.
Redefine creepy as ‘surpressing emotions’. When you surpress the awareness of surpressing emotions, then you surpress even more, so you appear to be more creepy.
Creepy has a lot to do with not picking up on signals from other people that your attention is not wanted (or in the case of genuine creeps not caring about and ignoring those signals). Unfortunately that works against the advice you just gave. I do realize this is problematic when that advice is kind of needed by someone who suffers from excessive self-consciousness.
And of course you mainly learn to pick up on those signals by practice. Which I guess points back to your advice.
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Anything in particular help you shift away from that?
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It is simply impossible.
I started playing disk golf which has started to build up some sort of social network. Doing a physical activity with other people really seems to work.
Hobby. Like rock climbing gym. You can’t help meeting people and you end up friends. My brother and best friend both met their wives in a gym
Exposure pretty much. Meaning get out there, join some groups, talk with people at work or anywhere you spend a good amount of time at, and see who you connect with. Be curious but not invasive.
I think we make too much of a deal about making friends as adults. Kids are so much easier in this: “Want to be my friend?”, “Sure!”
I’m guilty about this as well, too shy and awkward to just make friends. But I believe most people would be happy to have a new friend if the other made the first move. We’re all just so socially awkward about these things.Anyway, if anyone wants a friend, I’ll be your friend :)
I realize this doesn’t really answer the question. Best way is to be open and eager to make friends, I suppose?
It’s easy as kids because you know you’re both regularly going to be physically present in the same place at the same time, so you’ll actually have a chance to do friend things. You don’t get that as an adult. You need to figure out if you can actually stay in touch with this person (e.g. maybe you have a shared hobby that allows you to regularly meet). You also have a better idea of what kind of people you get along with as you get older. With less time to spare, you definitely want to have these boxes checked before you invest more time into a relationship.
I understand what you’re trying to say here.
Maybe I’m using a different definition for the word friend. The activities you describe are what I would associate with a close friend, someone you trust and want to hang out with.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are plenty of people at work, sports, etc. with whom you get along well with and they would probably enjoy more interaction on a friend(ish) basis. Doesn’t mean you have to hang out or become close friends. Just that the tightening of bonds with the people in our surroundings should be easier than it really is.
I have a few coworkers with whom I share my enthusiasms, gripe about shared annoyances, go out for lunch and sometimes dinners. They’re not really close friends, and I never really do anything with them outside of work, but I still consider them friends.
Does that make sense? Maybe I’m just rambling.
Some of us were bad at it as kids too.
Of course not every child is the same, and I don’t mean to say it applied to every single one of us.
I specifically meant around the age of preschool, kids don’t think of the consequences and are just happy to do stuff together.
My own childhood from primary school onwards wasn’t blessed with a lot of friendships, so I understand what you’re saying here.
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I don’t think my answer will be popular but I found a really nice LGBT welcoming lefty church and the people I’ve met there are the delight of my heart. It can happen.
Volunteer
I’m not a “go-getter” and am pretty sure I’d be shunned for not being ambitious enough even at like a soup kitchen or whatever the hell people volunteer at
They literally just need people to show up and do basic things. As long as you aren’t creating a disturbance, I can’t see there being any issues.
They literally just need people to show up and do basic things.
like what?
Hobby clubs, fitness groups, volunteering, specific interest events. Personally, I plan to attend more local events. There are some upcoming local events that pique my interests.
How does one discover/find hobby clubs, fitness groups, and volunteering opportunities? I know of meetup.com, but are there other ways? Also, what exactly are special interests events, and how does one become aware of these events?
To be honest, I’ve gone back to Facebook to discover local events. I never knew that the local comic shop had events like boardgames and book signings. I also discovered that the South Florida fairgrounds has its own comic con of sorts and my county has an annual event named “PalmCon”.
I mean it depends on where you live. But sports clubs are easy enough to find if you just search for your sport and area.
Same I would guess with other hobbies.
Fitness groups no idea to be honest.
Volunteering: there are usually quite a few forums and such discussing volunteering opportunities. In my country the biggest ones are the volunteer fire department, volunteer first aid (red cross, Johanniter, ASB, Malteser, etc.), technical relief (THW), and different organisations regarding the homeless and poor (biggest ones probably are the Bahnhofsmission and Tafeln) - this is all Germany specific but I’m sure there are somewhat similar things in other countries, too. For smaller things the are often even websites from the local government where you can search for volunteering opportunities interesting you, by topic.
Buy a boat.
This is a trap. Sure, everyone wants to be friends with the person who owns a boat, but that’s because even magic the gathering is cheaper and less of a headache.
It is absolutely a trap. But if you’re on the hunt for friends, it’s friends in a barrel.
“Friends”.
the girls won’t say no, because of the implications
There’s tons of good comments here. Mine will echo some! I just wanted to share my experience.
I have three hobbies that I’ve explored since moving to a new city in my 30s - axe throwing, pinball, and making music.
I found a local axe league and joined for a season. One season has become four :) The people I throw axes with are wonderful and varied. While we may not have crossed paths otherwise, they’re fine folks and I consider many my friends.
I went to a local pinball bar for a casual tournament and have been going every other week since. It a supportive community and I’ve had a great time learning about the games and learning about the folks on my various teams.
I answered a Craigslist ad for a band looking for another member. We’ve clicked quite well and have practices together, go out together, record together, and even play shows!
Exploring your own hobbies in some sort of structured way might be a good step in your own quest :) Good luck!
