I would guess 99% of cases is just they never meet new people and aren’t attractive enough to get anywhere with dating apps.
plus there’s a newish social phenomena that basically says you shouldn’t approach women anywhere. overall probably good because women deal with less unwanted harassment, but if you can’t talk to new people at the gym, at stores, outside, at work, and you don’t go to parties/bars - you’re basically never going to meet anyone.
The equilibrium point is to take a dance class. You learn to dance and you will make friends. One of them will just get bored and start hanging out with you, or one of your new friends friends etc.
I don’t think you have to be particularly attractive to use dating apps. Like, I’m sure it helps, but I honestly think it’s a skill issue for the most part. Like, on dating apps, a huuuuge amount of people’s profiles have like three mediocre pics, and none of the info filled in, no bio, etc. That’s just an auto swipe left. Even worse are the profiles where the bio is an active turn off. Like people whose bio is just like a misogynistic skreed. And those people, I assume, are ones who are the most vocal about dating apps not working for them.
I don’t know. I’ve tried dating apps what feels like 100 times. I make a profile with the nicest pictures I have of myself, fill all the info in, and within a week or two I’ll basically only have matches from people I have no interest in. then I get frustrated and delete the app.
women have soo many options on these things, they’re just not gonna ever go for me - a 5’4 guy with thinning hair and still in undergrad in his late 20s, lol.
I’m bald in in my undergrad in my 30s. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
If you decide nobody is gonna go for you then delete the app, then yeah, not gonna work
I wonder if there’s tinder consultants out there that help you take good photos, write a good bio etc. Could probably make some good coin that way
let me know if you find one, lol
You got a spare 10 grand lol
https://nypost.com/2021/09/20/this-nyc-online-dating-coach-costs-10000-heres-what-you-get/
🤯
People are wild. Honestly though a couple hundred bucks for professional photos and having a friend proofread a profile would likely go a long way.
I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with these hell apps
oh hey it’s that weird account that keeps making [email protected] post threads about declining birth rates, I’m sure this thread will be full of normal replies
for my personal situation, its mostly a combination of lack of disposeable income (and i’m impulsive with it when i do have it), lack of social activities or communities to participate in offline, and social anxiety issues (as a part of broader mental health problems).
while i do have a small friend group, i hate social situations with people i don’t know, and am generally too broke to ‘go out’ or be involved in offline communities. i’ve had like 1 or 2 people message me on dating apps but i chickened out and panic deleted my accounts. pretty much no one offline has ever expressed any kind of interest (literally one exception a long time ago). i presume my social anxiety makes me come off as unapproachable to most people the few times i am in public or large scale social situations.
the joke answer is “go touch grass” but let’s be honest it’s not always because they’re incel types (though my guess is that’s usually it)
assorted thoughts:
- most people have at least mild mental health problems and that often makes it hard to connect with people in a healthy way. i fall directly and pathetically into this category myself
- fuckin capitalism profits from isolating people and dissolving community infrastructure that traditionally facilitated dating
- it’s way easier to think about how hard it is to interact with potential dates and all the things that could go wrong, than it is to think about all the times you’ve successfully interacted with humans (with dating intentions or otherwise) and it turned out fine or even fantastic. even worse, we’re wired to remember negative experiences with more detail. all my horrible awkward attempts at flirting are chiseled in fuckin marble in my memory, while the times i was normal AND lucky enough for it to be reciprocated, i barely remember in comparison. :[
t’s way easier to think about how hard it is to interact with potential dates and all the things that could go wrong, then it is to think about all the times you’ve successfully interacted with humans (with dating intentions or otherwise) and it turned out fine or even fantastic.
one reason it’s so much easier is the frequency.
and “fine” isn’t good enough when you’re looking for something deeper than the perfunctory “hey how you doing?” that our shitass society decided to make a greeting despite the fact that nobody who ever said that wants to hear the real answer.
and “fine” isn’t good enough when you’re looking for something deeper than the perfunctory “hey how you doing?” that our shitass society decided to make a greeting despite the fact that nobody who ever said that wants to hear the real answer.
fucking right!
nobody who ever said that wants to hear the real answer.
cw: depression, self-harm thoughts.
was watching the philosphy tube live thing where she does the self-review and somebody asked “what would you tell you from five years ago?”
to which i immediately thought for myself:
it doesn’t get better, it’s not worth it. [redacted]
I still believe it can get better but I don’t knowpreviously i had major life changes to look forward to that came with changes to social and material conditions for no additional effort, but once you’re out of school and therapy and medication fails over and over again, there’s nowhere left to find hope.
it’s probably not precisely true but i feel like care providers actually giving a shit is gatekept behind an attempt and i suffer enough without rolling the dice on making things much, much worse. sartre btfo.true that. I’m into the double digits now for number of psych medications I’ve tried
everything sucks and I’m miserable and so is everyone else and I wish I had the energy to do fuckin anything besides work, sleep, and occasionally shitpost as a semblance of social interaction
no platitudes from me dawg, life is ass 🫡
edit: your username is kickass btw.
i’ve started using “hey there” and “heyo” specifically to avoid the wasted syllables of “howareyoufinethankshowboutyou”
at least “sup” works w/ close friends who know to just reply “sup” also :]
So is “sup” not a literal what’s-up then? Invariably I reply with what I am doing, because wtf else could ‘what’s up’ mean, and invariably I am doing something specific (special interest-y) that seems to kill conversations lmao
yeah those are better. honorable mention to “what’s good” for the more honest sentiment
varies dramatically on a case by case basis
I think a lot of it is guys that don’t put themselves out there (I do this too) because rejection and the vulnerability of admiting to someone you like them is authentically very scary
I think this is exacerbated by the fact a lot of guys are taught what not to do that certain behaviours are creepy which is good, but there is a lacking part which is teaching what you should do instead
If we all could take better care of each other on the community level then this wouldn’t be that much of an issue.
gotta get that pesky capitalism out of the way first
Honestly just need some capitalism regulation (the absolute fucking bare minimum)
Sometimes a fear of rejection can lead to not approaching people, and to self-sabotaging when approached
Sometimes desperation to “settle down” can lead to wanting to move too fast for any potential partners who aren’t in the same frame of mind, which can contribute to a fear of rejection
The situation I’ve had the most people talk to me about, though, is rooted in gender essentialism. Of course the main aspect of gender essentialism under patriarchy is misogyny - poisoning how they understand and interact with women - but it also poisons how men relate to their own gender and sexuality. A man’s essentialist understanding of what it means to be a man will inevitably lead to a great deal of self-repression as he understands his own traits through a lens of conformity to, or deviance from, his concept of manhood
One of the most surprising and important sets of effects from internalized gender essentialism is its effects on attraction. Rather than asking oneself, “What do I like,” the question becomes, “What do men like?” This has two main implications: attraction that falls outside of “what men like” is to be ignored or actively suppressed as deviance, and a lack of attraction to parts of “what men like” is a source of shame and sexual frustration. The remainder, the parts of “what men like” that one is genuinely attracted to, becomes fetishized because it’s the only remaining outlet for sexual gratification
Great post, can you recommend some informative books on the matter?
Thanks! Unfortunately I can’t, but hopefully someone else can.
My perspective on it is just from growing up secretly pantheist (though I didn’t learn that word until I was about 20) in an Evangelical community, and comparing my experiences to others’. I didn’t date very much because all the relationships I saw were disasters, but gradually I noticed a common thread in those relationships of being unable to understand people descriptively instead of prescriptively. You can probably guess it ties in directly to transphobia and homophobia, and if consciously affirmed as part of a person’s ideology, essentialism can often extend to other areas like race and class
maybe “Date” is the wrong strategy …
one can also do X activity … Y also does X activity …
you therefore meet Y regulary because of the X activity , things develop from there…
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Women for whatever reason have much more advanced social skills than men at most ages in our society, and are much more accepting of people without highly developed social skills as friends.
A bit of a tangent but women, and AFAB people in general, are probably better socialised because they have to have a good sense of solidarity to survive under patriarchy, similar to queer people. Women growing up generally form more emotionally open bonds with each other than men do with men. Women will walk each other home on nights out, ensure that their friends are safe, give each other a tampon and are generally more willing to help each other out than men are to help men out. Men don’t fear being assaulted when they walk home to the same extent or for the same reasons women do, and are expected by other men to be able to defend themselves. So women form bonds out of necessity, for their safety under patriarchy (and obviously because they want friends), so they have more practice socialising. And of course, toxic masculinity plays a massive part in why men are not as good at making connections as women.
This is generalised and theoretical, and just comes from my experiences in life, but I think it definitely plays a part in why men struggle to socialise compared to women
Being vulnerable is seen as a feminine trait in society. It’s why people don’t bother girls or women when they’re close to each other and share their concerns and thoughts. But if a boy or man does it, he’ll be accused of “being in his feelings” or a pussy. I think statistically, most females have a richer support network compared to most males.
I’ve had a few close friends and several friend groups growing up, and I honestly cannot tell you anything about my make friends’ personal lives, but pretty much all the girls I’ve been friends with tell me everything about them and I can reciprocate without the fear of being judged or mocked. In my experience, guys tend to try to turn uncomfortable or personal topics with other guys into banter, myself included. It’s not malicious, but we’ve never been taught or experience intimacy and vulnerability with each other the same way we do with girls.
So basically after a few years of just hanging out with women using this method my social skills had developed enough through sheer quantity of training data that I could take flight and make other friends myself, plus of course the friends I had while I was learning were real friends, and this is also coincidentally around the time women started finding me attractive in a more-than-friends way.
how old were you when this happened?
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There are so, so many different reasons someone, regardless of gender, could have trouble connecting with others intimately, and I think it’s genuinely difficult to tell why from both the outside and the inside of the problem. From my limited vantage point though, I think I can identify 3 obvious, broad categories of barrier to people:
First, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that there are not many places to try to pick someone up. Under the old social codes, men could be expected to court women almost anywhere, and women were expected to sit and be pretty if that’s what they wanted. This situation sucked absolute ass, especially for women. The question of what, exactly, ought to replace it has not been satisfactorily answered, and the solution the free market gave us, dating apps, is actively hostile to users of all genders. Venues like bars, social clubs, parties, are all imperfect at best. For a while it used to be normal to try to play matchmaker with your friends, and personally I think we should bring that one back.
Second, dating is scary, and the vulnerability of approaching a stranger can be so overwhelming that it scares people off from actually trying. It’s pretty obvious in retrospect, but this is what is happening to people who never ask anyone out yet are convinced no one wants them. Man, woman, or wiley jackal, you gotta accept that this fear is universal, and you only help yourself by overcoming it.
Third, the preferred explanation of the “incel,” is that some people are disadvantaged in the “sexual marketplace.” I’m not convinced this is either universal, or caused by minute difference in skeletal structure, but certain features, including weight, disability, race and height, do present real, but not insurmountable barriers to love. Certain other things like hygiene, grooming, fashion, and conversational ability are just as damaging, but can be improved upon with time and effort. Conversational and interpersonal skills especially are a problem for a lot of people we find on the internet. No matter how autistic you are, I believe this is something that can be improved with practice and experience in a variety of situations both romantic and friendly.
but certain features, including weight, disability, race and height, do present real, but not insurmountable barriers to love.
Yeah this is what a lot on the left ignore, because it’s still totally acceptable to have “preferences” when it comes to dating (i.e. “I just happen to NOT PREFER black guys” etc). And it sucks because not dealing with it leads these men down the right-wing path (see the skit in the timestamp here and watch for maybe 5 min): https://youtu.be/be_Ms3nVG10?si=M3ejqGsBt8HOBIkG&t=958. And contrary to popular belief, many incels are actually not white.
Gently pushing back on this.
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I see you’ve posted this video a couple times in this thread, and I’ve actually seen this skit linked in a previous iteration of this particular discussion on Hexbear some weeks back. This is a regular discussion topic, probably because hexbears have weird political beliefs and posters don’t get laid or whatever. It’s definitely not ignored.
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I don’t think it’s acceptable to have these kinds of preferences. If one of my lib friends were to say “I just happen to not prefer black guys” at a cocktail night, they would get a table of raised eyebrows. From a leftist friend I have heard good thoughts about sexual preferences: although you might find yourself attracted to certain kinds of people, you can recognize how that is informed by racist, cisnormative, fatphobic, etc. social influences, and because attraction is mutable (as anyone in an LTR knows) you do kinda have a responsibility to try and change that. Women skew left compared to men. So among most women, such preferences are a dirty secret if they even have them.
and I’ve actually seen this skit linked in a previous iteration of this particular discussion on Hexbear some weeks back.
It was probably me that posted it: https://hexbear.net/post/613122. That thread got basically crickets as engagement compared to other threads. I’ve also referenced that thread in other threads. So as far as I know, apart from me very few seem to actually give a shit about this issue.
It’s definitely not ignored.
I kinda disagree. This thread is an oddity when usually threads barely reach 25 comments. Whereas if I were to post a thread that asked “is it socialist to sit down while peeing?” I’m guessing it might get 300+ comments. It’s not just male loneliness threads, but threads that ask what to actually do with regards to society, revolution, etc. Those threads might barely reach 50 comments while threads about pig poop balls get like hundreds of comments. It just makes me realize that very few on hexbear are actually serious about anything. They just have strong political beliefs but nothing real to back them up. The very definition of “online left,” so I guess I’m really not doing anything more here than just circlejerking I guess…
So among most women, such preferences are a dirty secret if they even have them.
It’s just frustrating to see someone who claims to think black lives matter, stop asian hate, etc. only end up dating run of the mill white guys and be completely oblivious about it… smh
If one of my lib friends were to say “I just happen to not prefer black guys” at a cocktail night, they would get a table of raised eyebrows.
That’s the thing, they would never say it, but their actions would speak louder than 1000 sirens, e.g. their actual dating history and who they “just happen” to end up with.
Meta level: I hate these reddit type comments where each person picks out a number of things in the previous response and goes through them one-by-one.
Your top-level post isn’t the one I am thinking of, it was a comment in a big struggle session. Hexbear talks about this sphere of problems quite often; a dating post gets around a hundred upvotes and comments at least once a week (1 2 3 4 etc). Since Hexbears are Chapo emigres and Chapo posters were selected from Reddit demographic, there’s a lot of nerdy young men here who have opinions about modern dating. I’m one of them.
Yes, there are lots of racist liberals. That sucks but it shouldn’t be a surprise to any kind of leftist. Do note though, that not every person with a history of dating a certain kind of person is doing so because of (un)conscious racial biases. Many people live, study, and work in segregated places because of structural causes. Many people date classmates, neighbors, and coworkers, who are coming from these unfortunately pre-filtered pools. Your friend who has gone on a hundred Tinder dates but never with a black guy? Probably racist. Your friend who dated a high school sweetheart and married her college boyfriend? Not enough evidence. This social bubble filtering is not just racial but along class, politlcal, etc. lines and has implications for political organizing.
They just have strong political beliefs but nothing real to back them up
I was confused by this and assumed you were trying to say that hexbears aren’t doing praxis. I think you are trying to accuse hexbears of not having a coherent political theory, so rather than arriving at political beliefs like anti-Zionism from first principles they’re just kind of doing what’s popular? If I’m understanding this correctly you’re quite wrong. If Marx reincarnated was browsing this board he still might not give a shit about lonely American men. As I pointed out earlier, factually posters here do care about lonely men (probably since many of them are lonely men), but it’s certainly possible for people to have serious, coherent political belief systems that just do not prioritize the issue. For instance,
- A third-worldist might argue that first-world workers, who materially benefit from superprofits, have no revolutionary potential. It’s more important to focus on aiding organized workers in the imperial periphery.
- A feminist might argue that sexism primarily benefits bourgeois men but also provides significant benefits to all men. Men’s loneliness is an unfortunate byproduct of male oppression of women, but even this will not convince men to give up sexism en masse because they materially benefit from sexism. Women’s liberation will ultimately come from women; it’s better to organize women rather than spend time on the ultimately dead-end effort to get men to betray sexism.
As I pointed out earlier, factually posters here do care about lonely men
Yeah I’m just not buying it, especially since there was a sticked post (above all other posts, for the better part of TWO WHOLE DAYS) about the Bell Hooks book and it only received 35 comments: https://hexbear.net/post/1147813?scrollToComments=false. For comparison, my post about raking leaves had 28 comments: https://hexbear.net/post/1123921. And a post about herbal cigarettes gets 17 comments.
So yeah, when people say “bUt ThE lEfT dOeS cArE aBoUt LoNeLy MeN!!!” I feel like I’m being gaslighted by like an entire galaxy worth of gaslights… At this point if the right starts recruiting legions of lonely men and they become fascists, then what else can I say except “I told you so.” That’s on the left for failing to engage with them in a real, meaningful way instead of just telling them “READ BELL HOOKS!” Like bro this is 2023, if you wanna engage someone you can’t just tell them to read a book, it’s almost insulting and sounds very elitist. You gotta make youtube videos, tiktoks, etc. Make it short but impactful, as well as engaging. If they want to learn more then they’ll start reading “deeper” stuff.
so you have two objections:
- the left doesn’t care about lonely men because there weren’t enough comments on the Will to Change reading group post
- the left isn’t engaging with lonely men because telling them to read Bell Hooks is not good outreach
2: Hexbear dot net is obviously not an effective way for leftists to reach out to general population. This is an internal leftist forum, it’s not Youtube Shorts showing up in people’s feeds. Federation brings some confused liberals and conservatives in, but most users are communist. When people advocate here they are trying to get other leftists to learn more or develop politically. For instance I read Feinberg’s Trans Liberation after adding it to my list; I already supported the trans struggle but it gave me some understanding of its historical development. I forget if it there was a reading group for it or if I saw it on the trans subreddit sidebar, but it was on my list for maybe a year before I got to it.
1: The Bell Hooks sticky seems like a reasonable amount of engagement for a book club to me (and it demonstrates organizational buy-in via sticky, and general interest via upvote count). Even people who are interested in the topic may not have the time to read a book right then. Every one of those commenters read the book or (/u/moondog) was committing to do so. Bigger barrier to entry than a PBS article on raking leaves, no? I am attempting to join Socialist Alternative, which is a cadre organization, and one of their commitments is doing some reading to show up once a week for political discussion and development. If I join that’ll certainly be a big deal for me. Working people are busy.
I’ll be frank with you: if you want the normal internet debate goal of convincing others and developing the discourse, bumping month-old posts won’t do it. I don’t expect (or particularly care to) change your individual mind, and you’re not changing mine. So let’s cut it here. I think it’s good that you’re agitating to solve what you see as deficiencies in the left movement instead of just accepting them. Perhaps the next step is to get some people together who are interested in developing solutions?
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I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I’m a woman who lives in a college town famous for its high quality Electrical Engineering, Mechanical Engineering and Computer Science degrees. So the woman to man ratio in the 20-30 age group is like 1:4 at best.
So a lot of guys I’m friends with just don’t get laid cause the math doesn’t work out 🤷
Some of them tho… should probably do a bit of soul-searching first. Being dismissive about “female interests” like makeup and the gym while also being weirdly fetishistic about “gamer grill interests” like cosplay and video games just makes talking to them really hard. Like, they’ll always look at everything you say through a lens of “how does that benefit ME?” - Talking to them is a literal minefield.
Another factor is also that they’ll exclusively hang out in male spaces and just expect women to show up and talk to them somehow??? Like yeah, don’t sign up to ballet just to creep on women, but expanding your horizon beyond Friday Night Magic won’t kill you. I’ve heard Lorcana is great, and there are plenty of women playing it at my local game store… just casually talking to them during a game would be a normal human interaction
“female interests” like […] the gym
lol. is working out really considered a female thing by some people now?
The virgin victim of statistics vs the chad gay sex haver
gay sex really is flourishing around here. My chronically over sharing work buddy says his body count has gone over the 3 digit mark a while ago. He’s reduced his hours to 30 a week so that he has more time for gay sex. Truly based.
As a female Magic player…. Dear GOD male Magic players as a whole need to sort themselves the fuck out
I run a whole organisation that’s trying to improve things and it is an extremely
spaceBeing dismissive about “female interests” like makeup and the gym
Wait, how the fuck is the gym “female interests?” These losers wonder why they’re unfuckable while saying shit like this lol
Because all females do is eat hot chip, charge they iPhones, do squats, get big butts, and lie
I don’t even get that one, every gym I go to is like 95% male lol
Don’t get me started on it! From what I could gather the thought process was something like gym -> being vain -> women ?? The guy who had that idea was also the kind of guy who never set foot in a gym before and claimed that 30mins of beat saber per week was enough to keep him fit…
30mins of beat saber per week was enough to keep him fit…
Is that a euphemism for masturbation?
they’ll always look at everything you say through a lens of “how does that benefit ME?” - Talking to them is a literal minefield.
yup, i’ve also run into this. guys who immediately start getting horny & pushy about random topics.
I’m trying to take advantage of the statistics. The majority of guys in CS are either incredibly awkward or just try to ignore their female classmates (not in a malicious way, just awkward). If you have some charm and self awareness, you’ll be able to stand out from the crowd.
Shit if I know, but societally speaking, it does seem like you’re better off in some type of relationship where you’re miserable over not being in one at all
Idk man posts like this make me second guess myself. I have a good network of friends who are always happy if I reach out, but because I don’t have a partnership, I’m inherently less then.
I’m not sure if I’m the type of guy you’re referring to here (I could probably get a date if I got on the apps) but it would blow if I was. Because I don’t know why love/platonic intimacy can’t be shared with multiple people. Honestly, the only thing that makes me feel “down” about my current situation is seeing everyone tell me I need a partner to be complete
+++++++++++++++
spoiler
Also, hot take of hot takes, but finding a partner on an app just seems so icky to me. Probably because the people I know who ended up finding their long-term SO on tinder/bumble only did so because they definitely settled after a previous long-term organic relationship ended badly. I honestly hope to get over it (maybe it’s a necessary adaptation anyone who wants a partner will eventually have to make) but I just can’t treat a human like an option on Netflix or YouTube.
Take a clue from the amount of arranged marriages that end up full of love and happiness. Love and happiness in a relationship is a choice, and once you choose it, it will grow forever. Then it will never feel like you settled, it will feel like you are happy. This is the lesson from all the marriages of people who has never met each other before marriage but then end up happy and in love forever.
nobody owes you attention. be better. do more interesting things with your life. whatever you’re doing isn’t working so do something else.
and above all, the most important piece of advice: if your first instinct upon rejection or things not working out how you had in your head is to lash out and start yelling or saying abusive things then you aren’t fit to be in human society yet. kill that instinct by whatever means necessary. chill the fuck out.
how do we not have a bootstraps emote? or is it named something totally asinine
or is it named something totally asinine
Honestly I love that aspect of our emotes. There was a time where for like 6 months I couldn’t for the life of me find
“have you considered not being depressed\socially anxious or poor? Just be better”
sure mate, nobody depressed or anxious or poor has ever found a way to spend their time that helped them grow as a person or have an interesting life story
stfu dork
They do once their depression gets better though? Anhedonia, loss of interest/libido/attention/whatever the fuck else are symptoms of depression. I’m all for self-improvement, my own mental health improved greatly as a result of trying to improve myself, to the point I consider myself no longer depressed. But we’re social creatures and no one builds self-confidence and mental resilience in a vacuum. It’s often up to the depressed person to put themselves out in situations where this can happen, but sometimes it does not work out for whatever reason and the whole thing is a long process. In this situation self-compassion is a lot better than telling yourself you’re a sack of shit.
Also, isn’t the interesting life thing all backwards? If you like a person you get curious and find them interesting. If I like a guy I’ll find what they are into cool, be it singing, playing chess or knowing a lot about bugs.
No one is owed that kind of attention, but most people are worthy of compassion.
Also, isn’t the interesting life thing all backwards? If you like a person you get curious and find them interesting. If I like a guy I’ll find what they are into cool, be it singing, playing chess or knowing a lot about bugs.
Not necessarily a strict rule. I don’t care for sports and never will no matter how much I love a person. But if they play sports, then I would definitely care about them succeeding and their goals and struggles even if it means I research their sport. But ultimately, I still won’t care about the sport - I care about the other person’s goals and outcomes.
The contrast would be guys who belittle or look down on their girlfriends for being interested in makeup. They may not care about it, but they can at least show appreciation for the effort and do some basic research to understand the allure and challenges.
And even then, OP still has a point. Whether you’re interested in a person’s hobbies because you like them or you like them because their hobbies are interesting, you still need to be interesting. This doesn’t mean you need to go rock climbing in Asia or be awarded for a bunch of things. You can read books all day and provide analysis or comparisons or be knowledgeable in many areas. You definitely won’t attract many people if all you do is play games and stay in your room.
And even then, OP still has a point.
Yeah, kinda. But the framing is all fucked. Someone that can’t improve themselves because of depression don’t need “tough love” or to hear they are disinteresting and on their own, they need to see the inate value in themselves. Everyone IS interesting, they just have to nurture that and demonstrate it to others.
kinda crazy to see the tOuGh LoVe™ enthusiasts on hexbear
Yea and thats only possible with time and effort and support from others
Just telling people to “be better” is not support
And im sorry to say but sometimes when a person is depressed they might not have a “interesting life story” whatever that means
Nobody can change your life for you. If things aren’t going how you want, no matter what obstacles you’re facing, there are only two choices. Do something (literally anything) different, or succumb and wait for the world to drop change in your lap.
An interesting life story can be damned near anything, but it’s probably not going to be based on watching a lot of Netflix and hanging out online.
We live in an unparalleled golden age for learning hobbies for cheap thanks to YouTube and the productive forces of Chinese Socialism.
I refer back to my first point; nobody owes you attention. Does the sad sack you’re describing sound like a fun or interesting date?
fucking shut up, chud
i think your basic point is correct but you don’t have to be such a prick about it
Death to America
Nobody can change your life for you.
bullshit. i’ve seen people be rescued.
It happens but I don’t think it’s sustainable to “save” everyone. It’s why the mindset of “I can fix her” is a meme. It’s why people are even commenting here. Even if a communist society is somehow able to magically provide “saving” go every struggling person, but we don’t live there. We live in a hellscape, and we can’t individually rescue everyone.
It’s why we need to create the tools and guides for people to start by themselves and be there when they fall. We can’t walk for babies, but we can show them how it’s done and help them up when they fall.
nobody owes you attention
No one owes anyone anything but it doesnt hurt to have a little fking empathy
Wow way to make a person feel like shit about themselves. Fuck you too buddy
time and effort and support from others
support we don’t have, time we can’t afford, and effort we can’t spare because just existing is so arduous.
stfu liberal dork
I actually enjoy more crude posts like this. It’s the unfortunate truth. Most days I wallow in misery but sentiments like yours are always present in my mind.
I mean - there are people out there who are condemned by society to likely be alone forever. These are the ones who are physically deformed or severely physically/mentally disabled. The latter is because society is ableist and doesn’t want to accommodate people’s needs, and the former is because even the most compassionate and progressive person will have a hard time falling in love with someone who has no eyes or mouth or nose or whose body is misshaped in some way.
Fortunately I don’t face these extreme challenges, and because of that society will give me a chance. I find it insulting that I keep wallowing even though I have the opportunity to change while those who quite literally cannot change in any way are trying their damnest to live a fulfilling life anyway. And beyond that, people form relationships and fall in love in times of war and genocide and slavery. Capitalism or not, money or none, I feel like I can achieve something when I’m far removed from these conflicts. I owe it to the wretched of the earth to live because otherwise the fascists win.
“nobody owes you attention. be better.”this sort of transactional essentialist thinking wouldn’t exist in a better society
I’ve never been a fan of that saying, thanks for putting that succinctly
I don’t know. I’m a useless piece of shit? I suck? Idk what I’m doing wrong anymore, probably everything
- but about myself
Hey don’t talk about my friend FourteenEyes like that
He’s just a dumb jerk though and doesn’t deserve happiness
Well, I disagree and you can’t cmv
From my own experience, social anxiety. Its not like I can’t even talk to girls. Shit, I probably get along with some better than I do dudes, but I always hesitate to take any action that might have elevated stakes. And I’ve worked hard on convincing my self not to think this way.
I agree with this. I’ve known lots of really attractive guys with a lot going for them that have terrible dating lives because they never make the first move
While dudes that are terrible beings and not very attractive get way more dates because they’re always hitting on women
I get hit on at the cash register so much and never notice until one of my coworkers points it out to me, partly I think because of the fact that I don’t necessarily not reciprocate - I enjoy talking to people to pass the day and being friendly and making folks laugh - but flirting is certainly not something I even understand on a basic level because I’m also socially anxious and self conscious.
While dudes that are terrible beings and not very attractive get way more dates because they’re always hitting on women
I see this often and it’s amusing because the terrible guys are usually the same ones who complain about women not liking “nice guys”, while the shy ones will usually be split 80/20 between “I guess this is just life” and “WOMEN HATE NICE GUYS” despite never talking to any women
