[CW: discussion of letting go internalized NBphobia and transphobia]

Started dating gay men again after accepting androgyny as my current gender goal. Like in my heart, I know I am a trans woman, but the years I spent living as such were more miserable than the ones I spent as actively closeted.

For a long time, I struggled with this reactionary NBphobia centered around the thought ‘I am only NB because I don’t feel safe as a binary trans woman; there is not a legitimate non-binary identity.’ After a lot of guilt and introspection, I have let go of this sentiment and love being an androgynous fairy!

I think an analogous incorrect thought process many people have is ‘many people are asexual as a trauma response. Therefore asexuality is not something innate-legitimate like homo-sexuality. Therefore it is not a legitimate orientation///it can be “”“fixed”“”’ This is a product or an extension of the ‘born this way’ narrative many trans people were/are forced to tell to gain any toleration from cishet society. It was one that had left deep scars on my psyche.

In actuality, what really matters is ‘where you are now’: what gender you are actually living as, what sexuality you are actually experiencing. Right now, I am not a trans woman. Right now, I AM non-binary and mainly read as a grungy femme gay man. Right now, that is the closest to my ‘legitimate’ gender that I can feel safe in living.

It’s great! I love my trans boyfriend. I like the casual sensuality I am able to have with cis gay dudes. I feel safe at night and in public in ways I did not as an obviously trans woman.

Whereas previously some amount of that was projected outwards or inflected how I viewed other queers, now I have mostly let go of self judgement and let go of the reactionary social attitudes that were necessary to justify my self-loathing and discomfort.

It’s good to be me. It’s good to be gay. It’s good to be queer.

Took like 2 months but I’m finally out to my immediate family as trans

Just sittin here twiddling my thumbs waiting for bottom surgery clinic to finally take me on as a patient and get on their wait list. I’m waiting to wait, ugh.

Hmmm so I am going to Thanksgiving next week and like it’s gonna be a full week with my family. I only recently started presenting fem and am not ready to come out to my family, but since I’ve gotten so used to seeing myself this way… I am seriously dreading going to Thanksgiving. My mom wants to shop for glasses with me. My dad wants to buy me a suit. They are going to call me their beautiful boy or their son and he and him and dude and bro and I can’t take it. This is like the first actual break I have which i actually NEED badly.

My work is incredibly stressful. I have like 10-12 hours of work to do every day, in 8 hours. I am so so so burnt out. Transition is very stressful, even when it’s joyful. People stare. People misgender, there are like a million little things that hurt me whenever I go out because cis people are just so unaware or clueless.

I don’t think I can handle a week when I need to relax with my family being misgendered, having my glasses and hair criticized, worried about my family seeing my legs or my armpits and then asking lots of probing questions. If I go on this trip i get back at midnight on fucking Sunday to start work again at 7am the next morning.

Sorry for the vent. I think I’m just gonna tell them I got covid. This is really stressful for me though because I do want to see my brother and I don’t want to leave them alone with my parents because I know he wants to see me too. But liek, even then, I don’t think I can handle it. I can’t handle not being myself. My patience for this shit is just so low now,.

Gonna happypost a little - nine years on from starting hormones, I’m pretty pleased with myself & my life.

In some ways it kind of feels like I haven’t changed dramatically, because I don’t do makeup or dress fancy like all the freshly-trans transfemmes do, but I also feel very chill. I have shed my personally-unhealthy compulsion towards aggressively feminine clothes and commonly wear jeans and oversized men’s tees, or just loose flannels/button ups. I dress for a balance of comfort and aesthetic, and the resulting androgynous-leaning-femme look is something I like. I don’t even wear a bra most days, because they’re UNCOMFORTABLE AND SUCK! I basically dress like a tomboy I guess, and it feels so good.

I share a home with my wife who I love, I’ve been out full-time for the entire time I’ve been on hormones, and shockingly I am building a small social circle of queer people online, which is not something I’ve ever had before. I’m working through issues around being asexual, I love myself & my body, I’m happy being autistic in my own space. Who I am now is who 15-year-old me desperately wanted to be. I am my own goals from a decade ago.

Also I’m gonna read Blackshirts & Reds this coming week which is gonna be awesome.

https://reports.mountsinai.org/article/urol2021-03-a-pioneering-approach-to-sex-reassignment-surgery

If this is real, my gock is absolutely on offer

Going to a cyberpunk rave this weekend and having a hard time picking an outfit. I have a very TETSSSUOOOO red leather jacket but its warm as heck and I can’t imagine myself having fun dancing in it. But maybe the vibe is too immaculate truly idk.

Kind of annoying to know trans ppl with no sympathy for the humble cisphobe. Like sorry that I’ve grown to despise the people that oppress me and the people constantly shit on me. Sure my life would probably be easier if I could take it easy and not get filled with hatred but like not all people can do that. Oh well. (Had the admin of a discord server I’m on basically say that you can’t be cisphobic or anything like that and if you are cisphobic she didn’t want you on the server sooo)

I swear to god my lips have gotten fuller and more femme from HRT, I looked at my personal trans timeline and it’s noticeable over the last couple years

This week was incredibly gay, like every week in my life. It started with me playing my first Thirsty Sword Lesbians session with my new RPG group, and damn do i love that game and that group already. We’re talking about an RPG where GM means “gaymaster”, do i really need to say more?

Also, as of this week, i’ve been on HRT for a whole year! Got my blood results this week, too, everything’s looking great even after i’ve halved my CPA dose. Got a script for progesterone, which already works nicely for my sleep and hopefully will work just as well for my boobs.

Also had my kitty over this weekend, but i’m not gonna turn this into a hornypost.

Instead of thinking about cute guys my age, since yesterday when I talked to this (relatively) older man… God damn

Yall. I am not out to my family and jm set to go to the beach with them over Christmas-> they have no idea so I will be expected to, liek all other years, wear shorts and hang out on the beach (I shave my legs). I also have the opportunity to start HRT this week. What’s the chance that I’ll have noticeable physical affects after 1 month? Wondering whether I should postpone starting.

hii everyone

awaagh

Gonna have my yearly checkup tomorrow, time to see if they were telling the truth about gel being exactly the same as patches when they denied my request for a premature blood test cause supply issues forced me to make a switch.

Also gonna see if they make a comment about my chest this time, so far Im pretty sure Ive received some sort of comment about it every year.