I need to vent. Mods, if this kind of thing isn’t welcome in this community anymore…oh well. It helped me feel better at least typing my thoughts into the void.
I got married to a wonderful, beautiful woman in 2021 after being together for 5 years. My parents are big cruise fanatics. They go on vacation like this about once every year or two. We both told them before the wedding - because they did this for my brother when he got married - they can get us whatever they want for a wedding gift, just PLEASE no cruises.
And they listened! We got some very nice, very expensive bedsheets that were perfect!
Fast forward a year. I get a call. My parents booked a 4 day cruise to Mexico over the week after Christmas '23. I’m not particularly assertive, but I was offering pushback on it. I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
My wife also didn’t want it. Neither of us asked for this. But after a few months of talking about it, both of us agreed: it’s free, let’s give it a fair shake.
Fair shake given. We tried our best to like this. I’m writing this from my cabin docked at Cozumel. We deboarded the ship for 15 minutes and were immediately overwhelmed by the crowd. We turned around, went back to our cabin and are now sleeping the day away. Maybe we’ll hit up the hot tub before everybody comes back. The crowd is too much. The longer I spend on this gargantuan vessel, the smaller it gets.
My brother, his wife, and their two small kids are also here. I think they’re also pretty exhausted. It seems like my parents have gone out of their way to spend time with that foursome. As for me, I only get notifications once they’re already somewhere and I have to catch up. I got a message saying “We’re at Senor Frogs.” I did not get “We’re going to Senor Frogs. Wanna meet up?”
I feel like a piece of shit for not appreciating it. I feel invisible because I didn’t ask for this. And I feel angry because I feel like an afterthought. I feel like I got invited to this because my parents wanted to spend a week with my brother’s kids and I was given a ticket to tag along so I wouldn’t feel left out. I wouldn’t have felt left out by not being invited to something I didn’t want. I wouldn’t feel left out if I had been given the opportunity to say no.
I’m just burnt tf out. I want my house. With my quarter acre. And my neighbor with the stupid subwoofer. I want my bed (that doesn’t rock because it’s on solid ground), my cats, my dog, my plaid pajamas, my cold weather, and my coffee back at home in Oklahoma. I would have rather stayed home and built puzzles with my (also puzzle-loving) wife for a week. We are slow-paced, solitary, almost antisocial creatures. I’m wired differently from my family. And though I feel guilty for being unappreciative of their gesture, I won’t feel ashamed of being different. I didn’t ask to be this way.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I’m done. We shove off back for the States in an hour or so. We’re over the hill. We’ll be home soon, and I will never do this again.
You are a person. You have value. You have every right to set your boundaries and ask that they be respected.
A free vacation you didn’t ask for, or your parents kicking your door in and taking a dump on your favorite couch…emotionally speaking it’s the same thing.
You don’t feel guilty, you feel ashamed for not being a stronger person and setting boundaries. You allowed yourself to be manipulated by family, who you “should” trust, into a situation you knew you wouldn’t enjoy, and your wife suffered as well.
Have there been other times early in your life where you allowed yourself to be manipulated into uncomfortable situations by close relatives?
If so, you are probably resonating on those earlier events and you feel emphatically worse than something like this should usually feel like because you’re responding to compounding trauma.
If I were you, I’d just do what made me happy and let others do what makes them happy and not worry at all about those two things overlapping.
Definitely do not feel guilty, but also try not to feel resentful. Lesson learned, next time you know to give a firm “no”.
This fits into the larger umbrella of parents giving their children things the parents believe their children should want, rather than things that are actually wanted or needed.
My sister is gay and prefers pants and “men’s” shirts. For years my mom would by my sister dresses and then lay down a guilt trip when my sister didn’t wear the dresses.
OP, you have every right to resent this. It sounds like your parents “invited” you because they already planned to have your brother along. They may have even been going for a bulk deal.
At least you went, my guy. You can, without a doubt, say “that’s not a thing I like”. I have never done a cruise because I don’t think I would like them, and don’t want to be stuck in a boat for 3 more days after I find that out. Will I miss out on cruises? Probably not. Will I talk myself out of other things I might have actually enjoyed? Almost certainly.
It’s important to push boundaries and try new things, but it’s important-er to learn from those experiences and grow, even if the only “growth” you get here is the confirmation that trying a new thing might suck, but won’t kill you.
Rich people problems 🥱
Social anxiety isn’t a rich person problem, but being a dick to other humans is absolutely an everyone problem. I’m sorry your life sucks; you don’t have to follow suit. Try having some empathy, even when you feel like you don’t have to.
I’ll care about rich people problems when they care about starving children problems instead of cruises.
Sorry you’re innocent enough to believe rich people are immune from criticism.
Quit yer bitching
Keep living vicariously! Lol.
Yep
Do you have urgings of going on cruises? What’s your dreamest dreams of what it should be like?
Seems like good Christian Fun®.
Cruises make sense for rich people who own the boats and throw parties on them. For everyone else, it’s just a place where you can’t do what you want but should be grateful because you’re on a boat.
Now that I’m living in 1st world ( down under) I’ve heard of many fights happening inside cruises.
I’ve never been in one but I see it more like upper mid class that likes to get their hands off their children and drink day and night like you’d do in a pub, but just keeps going in the next day.
Still sounds like not our cup of tea, but we’ll
I’m in a similar boat and the most fun I had was hanging around the ship’s bars playing games while everyone else was ashore. That was pretty great; I’d do that again.
Hah. Similar boat. I see what you did there
Thank you.
The crowds at the ports are horrible. I would describe myself and my partner very similarly to you, but we liked cruises (at least precovid). You have to shove past the crowds at the port and then usually you can get some breathing space and actually explore the country your visiting.
But I absolutely understand being overwhelmed.
Also, there is nothing wrong with lounging in your room and watching movies.
Safe travels, hope you get home soon.
I went on a Caribbean cruise once. I learned that Americans will still stack their plates at a buffet as if it will run out, rush to be the first in line to wait for anything, and gawk at the poverty put on display.
Appreciating what? That your parents guilt tripped you into going on a cruise you never wanted? You aren’t a child, you are an adult. You need to learn how to say no or they will keep doing this.
just wait til the parents hold this over their heads… “we paid for that wonderful cruise you two went on… now name your first born after my dear aunt eunice uvula. you owe us that much.”
One man’s treasure is another man’s trash. You made things clear and they ignored you. You don’t owe anyone anything–and if they’re not inviting you anywhere, do whatever you’d like with your wife and ignore the rest. I bet if you ask around you could find a puzzle to bring back to your cabin.
My parents loved to do family vacations, and a lot of them turned out pretty crappy for one reason or another. Seemed there was always at least one person that really didn’t want to be there. Both my parents passed away, within 5 months of each other a couple years ago and I would kill to go on one more family vacation, or play another round of golf with my dad.
Make sure you book your parents a bungee jumping experience- if they would hate it.
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Someday in the future, someone will try to pressure you into another cruise, saying that you didn’t have fun because you didn’t go with the “right” people, didn’t do the “right” things or go to the “right” locations, etc. It’ll be up to you to decide what to say to them.
I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
“Yes, and it must really not be our thing if we are saying no to all of that.”
Sometimes you need to pick a position and dig in your heels. Even when they start pushing and you start doubting yourself you can remember that you already made your choice…but not so easy when something is just suddenly thrown at you and you don’t get an opportunity to think on it first.
A lot of the experiences you described sound a lot like stuff I deal with. Have you ever been tested for autism?
Have you ever been tested for autism?
Yes, 15+ years ago. The doctor said I had Asperger’s. I said bullshit, test me. Got tested. No Asperger’s. But honest to goodness, I fully believe I am on the spectrum. But I’m not going around saying I am without a proper diagnosis.
Digging in my heels is something I’m working on. I have a really hard time saying no and sticking with it because of trauma.
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If I have it so do you fallacy
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A lot of these things are things I deal with and I don’t have autism, ergo OP is not autistic.
/s
Why does everything on Lemmy and Reddit have to devolve into autism or depression? Dude just wants to build puzzles with his wife.
There’s a lot more there than ‘likes puzzles’. Sometimes when you have a thing or are part of a group, a lot of seemingly unrelated things start to make a pattern that others might not see. Like ‘gaydar’ or alcoholism or autism. And there is a lot of undiagnosed autism and just an enormous amount of depression in general. And also OP already affirmed what I said in this same thread a couple posts down. But I didn’t say he has autism, I asked if he’s been tested…and guess what?
So it’s possible “everything is autism and depression” includes a big dose of cognitive bias on your end.
I think this just happens to be one of the things we share with neurotypical adults that have overly cheery family members.
The universal experience of “jesuuuus I said no mom, wait, why are you crying? Fineeee I’ll do it. Oh wow you stopped crying just like that.”
Edit: I refuse to call my parents “n-parents”, but that’s what I meant by overly cheery. Their happiness over yours because culture.
n-parents
n? as in…?
The very same hahahahaha
