Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
My husband does this too, and when I ask “What’s up?” he coyly replies “You’ll see!” Argh!
THIS! You’ll see. Why ? WHY?? Just tell me
This sounds like a you problem that can only be resolved by talking to him about it. Maybe a counselor or therapist if necessary.
Yeah, kinda sounds like the husband may just be unaware of what’s ticking OP off. Even if they show displeasure, if they don’t properly verbalize it, they may just be annoyed at the subject matter, rather than how the husband is calling them.
Some people, like me, are daft as hell and need some things to be spelled out for them.
as a boyfriend i talk like this too, i don’t think my girlfriend bothers, but i never thought about it, yes, she need to talk to him cos he never gonna know
Oh no I have verbalized it. He acknowledges it’s inappropriate and keeping me in unnecessary suspense. But he doesn’t know why he does it so … shrug. He even apologized for it last night as soon as i said something about it (raccoons just sitting on the roof). It was 1am and I was dead asleep and he called me on my phone to wake me to come outside right away and see this. A 1am urgent call from outside the house when I’m dead asleep should be about someone being dead, not “there are two raccoons sitting on the roof of our sunroom.”
totally unforgivable. i would absolutely not stand for what you’ve described.
i have read all of your responses herein and i keep thinking how glad i am to not be married.
Thats just how he talks. Tell him to try and rephrase it. It can take a while if he is stuck in his old ways though.
Ask him to add “This is interesting!” followed by “please”.
If he won’t, repeat the request 3 times, then announce that you’re going to pretend he didn’t say a thing and refuse to move.
What does he do if you stay where you’re at and ask what he wants you for?
“You’ll see! Just come here!” 80% of the time it’s nothing at all. The other 20% it’s something bad involving blood or damage to our house or something equally awful and devastating. It’s horrible to do the execution walk to see which one I’m going to get. He even once needed stitches and was bleeding everywhere and wouldn’t tell me what he wanted, just that I needed to hurry and he needed a hand. I had to experience the big reveal and see the blood everywhere before he told me he needed a towel from inside the house where I’d just been.
Even emergencies he won’t tell me. “I’ll see” when I get there. Surprise!
That sounds awful. I dunno. I mean, at the heart of it all, on some level you’re allowing him to continue this behavior by going to him each time. If you don’t go, he has to either keep calling until you give in, or if you don’t give in, he can get pouty about it, yell about it, or eventually come and actually find you.
If you stand your ground and refuse, eventually he has to change his behavior. But, getting to that point will be very uncomfortable. So the question is, how much do you want things to change? Are you willing to go through that discomfort to get your needs met?
instead of letting contempt fester in you why not literally just say “im busy rn can it wait?” and then give your partner some fucking time later to share something with you they find interesting? you sound like a bitter person tbh. maybe just talk to them damn.
I have talked to him. He acknowledges he does it but doesn’t know why. I’ve explained how stressful it is for me, and he says he understands. I’m bitter because it annoys the fuck out of me, not because he’s trying to “share” with me.
How about asking him to come to you instead each time? Or try to find some other way to help him break the habit. Don’t let yourself get too worked up about it.
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your post has just illustrated to me how blissfully uncommon it is that anyone ever tells me to “come here”.
I can’t tell you the last time someone said it. I’m sure it’s not super long ago but I don’t remember a specific circumstance.
There have been differently phrased instances, though:
“hey, can you have a look at this for me please?”
or
“i’d like to show you something”
or
“i need your help with something”
or
“i want to go over something with you when you get a chance” while implying by nodding toward the hallway out of earshot from the others in the office
etc.…
jordan howlett does it on his youtube shorts though i guess? but that’s not to ME, that’s to the whole audience. and he zooms in with his phone camera. freaking love that guy.Aw, he just wants to share something with you.
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This is also part of the annoyance. He has no problem with interrupting me for whatever he thinks is interesting. I do sometimes feel like he treats me like the entertainment a bit. When he gets a new game, he doesn’t necessarily even want to play it himself first, he wants ME to play it and he gets to watch while I struggle and learn all the shit. I work a very intellectually demanding job and most times the last thing I want to do at 10pm on a Tuesday is learn a whole new thing. If I’m out and he wonders when I’ll be home, or if what I’m doing, or even has a thought he will call me. I’ve explained to him a thousand times that he doesn’t need to know where I am every second of every day, not because he thinks I’m doing anything, but because he just wonders and that curiosity must immediately be satisfied. It’s so stressful to be out with your fucking mom and he calls five minutes after you leave the house and then 10 more times over the next two hours just wondering when you’ll be home. Like, he can’t even wonder. He has to call me so I can give him an answer. It’s exhausting. My mother says it’s a control thing but I don’t think so. I think it’s an urge being satisfied thing.
Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ?
maybe he just wants to spend time close to you. maybe he likes the way you smell, or the way you stand near him.
it’s selfish and silly to ask you to drop whatever you’re doing to attend him, that’s inconsiderate and you need to find a way to communicate it. but perhaps he’s just bad at requesting your company.
You are normal and have every right to be bothered by it. Have a chat with them and let them know how much it bugs you, and offer them an easy fix: just provide context.
I guess that’s what I’m here for, context. I feel like I can’t adequately explain why it’s upsetting when I can’t even explain it to myself. It seems like such a small silly thing to object to but it really freaking stresses me out and ticks me off. Sometimes other people’s thoughts help give context to your own.
I think some of the other commenters pointing out that it reads as a command is probably a big one, but you did a pretty good job of explaining it here (imo). Even just saying to him that you want a heads up of if it’s good or bad and working out a system so you don’t stress would probably be a marked improvement for you, and I would bet it’d be an easy fix.
I think I get it, and maybe I’m wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don’t know how to set up boundaries.
Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what’s all about, and I don’t want to go all the way there- I don’t go. I just yell back at them, “what is it?” Until they tell me. If they don’t, I don’t go. If they insist, I can explain I’m either busy or don’t feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don’t know what is it about.
It took me a while to realize how fundamentally important boundaries were to my mental health and well being. It’s super simple, so its often overlooked. It solves many many issues.
This is a good point. I try to set boundaries and unfortunately he’s committed to the “big reveal”. I know he’s one of those people who likes to “share” life. If he sees something fascinating, he wants me to experience the same fascination so it’s like a surprise. If it’s bad he wants me to feel the same horror he felt when he saw it. Warning me would negate the reveal. We have talked about it frequently and he doesn’t know why he does it, he understands how it could be stressful for me, but can’t seem to break his pattern.
I like some of the other suggestions better than this but if you’ve already tried communicating about it and other things haven’t worked, I wonder if for some cases you could convince him to take a video or a picture. Like, if it’s a cool thing he wants you to see instead of interrupting you record it and share it when you’re available instead of right now, interrupting you. Again, I think the other proposals are better but I wonder… if you’re right about the motivation at least sometimes being just wanting to share something it might be worth attempting.
At some point it becomes a question of whether or not he’s willing to change his behavior to make you feel better. Some sort of empathy/kindness thing. Even if he didn’t understand why it frustrates you, an empathetic person would change their behavior since it doesn’t inconvenience them all too much to, for instance, send a picture of the thing via text messaging to you.
Another thing to consider: Is the happiness he gains from “sharing” life greater than the frustration you gain from walking all the way over to see whatever it is?
When I was growing up, my mom would do this all the time. My approach was mostly the same, she would shout, “Come here!” and I would request a reason. Most of the time she said she needed help and it would turn out to be nothing.
As I got older, I realized she was actually trying to connect with me because I was distancing myself. I don’t know if this is also what’s going on with OP and partner, and I won’t assume that’s the case. Sometimes people don’t know how to properly vocalize when they’re lonely and want to spend time with you.
Yupp fully on board with this one - set solid boundaries
This. Learn to set boundaries for something that stresses you out
This is an annoying trait that my moms husband has. It’s ok to let it annoy you. It shouldn’t be fucking with your day. If he says come here just say I’m doing or in x(watching the TV, in the kitchen, eating lunch, cleaning) it doesn’t need to be super important but it’ll just communicate you’re doing something she he can bring the news to you. It should not stress you out though. Just change the dynamic a bit.
Did you tell him?
Oh yes. But he has zero impulse control (because he practices none) so the second he thinks about something he wants to show me he does it again
That is the reason it bothers you so much.
Sounds like you should take this up to him, and ask him yourself, having communication is really important, and remember, you could be doing something that also annoys him and he doesn’t say anything
