Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?

  • Norgur
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    32 years ago

    My wife does that, too. I mean, yes, sometimes we just want to show something and sometimes it’s only cool with a tad of surprise (a cat that has hidden in a funny spot or something), but she has me running around for absolutely nothing very often.

  • Flying Squid
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    2 years ago

    When my wife sees something interesting while in the car, she just points and says, “look!” And by the time I figure out what I’m supposed to look at, it’s already gone.

    • 667
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      82 years ago

      When this happens to me, I pick out the most obvious thing in the general direction my partner has pointed and say something about it, like “wow, that is a lot of trees!”

      Makes my partner immediately explain what they saw, and I remind them that they’ve got to be specific. It’s gotten better.

  • @DeltaTangoLima@reddrefuge.com
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    222 years ago

    “Come here” feels unnecessarily directive to me. Like you, I’d be annoyed too if someone tried demanding my presence like that. You’re not his to command.

    My wife and I, if we want the other to see something, usually just say “Hey babe - check this out”, and the other feels comfortable saying “Hang on” if they’re doing something else. If it has some urgency, we’ll add context: “Hey babe - come see what this idiot’s doing in his car out the front”. If what we want to show is portable (eg. a video on our phone) then we go to them.

    Next time, I’d just respond with “What is it?”.

  • @CapraObscura@lemmy.world
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    322 years ago

    Because when someone says “COME HERE” they’re making the statement that whatever you’re doing is pointless shit that can be dropped immediately.

    I didn’t tolerate that with my parents, and I sure as shit wouldn’t tolerate it with a spouse. If you can’t be bothered to give me a reason to go there, don’t fucking tell me to go there.

    “Hey, check this shit out!” - Fine. Implies it’s on my own time. “Could you come in here?” - Fine. A request can be denied. “Come here.” - I’m not your fucking dog.

    • @hydrospanner@lemmy.world
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      62 years ago

      True.

      And I agree with you.

      But there’s also plenty of room in the equation for a simple benign intent, so responding with hostility and assuming the worst also seems counterproductive.

      So I agree that OP should issue some sort of a challenge response, but perhaps not go quite so directly to “I’m not your fucking dog”.

      In this specific case, I feel like, “What is it?” is a perfectly acceptable and reasonable response, that puts the ball back in the other court to determine how the rest of the exchange will go and to shed light on the tone.

      If you get a real answer, like “this cat on my phone is playing the piano” then you know it’s innocent and well intentioned and can respond more softly and/or circumvent the issue.

      On the other hand, if you get a response that addresses the request in a way like, “just get over here” then yes, draw your line in the sand and have an argument about respect.

  • @Jackiedoodle@lemmy.world
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    42 years ago

    This is an annoying trait that my moms husband has. It’s ok to let it annoy you. It shouldn’t be fucking with your day. If he says come here just say I’m doing or in x(watching the TV, in the kitchen, eating lunch, cleaning) it doesn’t need to be super important but it’ll just communicate you’re doing something she he can bring the news to you. It should not stress you out though. Just change the dynamic a bit.

  • @iegod@lemm.ee
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    122 years ago

    You are normal and have every right to be bothered by it. Have a chat with them and let them know how much it bugs you, and offer them an easy fix: just provide context.

    • @Saraphim@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 years ago

      I guess that’s what I’m here for, context. I feel like I can’t adequately explain why it’s upsetting when I can’t even explain it to myself. It seems like such a small silly thing to object to but it really freaking stresses me out and ticks me off. Sometimes other people’s thoughts help give context to your own.

      • @RojaBunny@lemmy.world
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        92 years ago

        I think some of the other commenters pointing out that it reads as a command is probably a big one, but you did a pretty good job of explaining it here (imo). Even just saying to him that you want a heads up of if it’s good or bad and working out a system so you don’t stress would probably be a marked improvement for you, and I would bet it’d be an easy fix.

  • @Spiffypoop@lemmy.world
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    42 years ago

    My wife does this, and I understand where you’re coming from. Especially if I’m in the middle of something. Although, at least for me, it’s usually a nice thing she wants to show me, I’d rather know what she wants me for before I make my way over to her. If I ever need her presence I go to her and tell her what I need her for, but she always tells for me in another room. I think that’s what bothers me about it. I’d like her to do for me what I do for her.

  • @Guy_Fieris_Hair@lemmy.world
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    132 years ago

    My wife doesn’t do it all the time more when we first got together but she would call my name, like I’m a fucking dog. I just started saying “What?” Sometimes she would just say “come here” as a response and I would just give an akward silence for a second and say “Why?” with some attitude behind it. She figured out that it bothered me and stopped. Communication is cool.

  • @nadiaraven@lemmy.world
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    1242 years ago

    “Hey hubby, I’m not sure why, but when you say “Hey come here” to me, I feel really stressed as I’m walking to you not knowing whether it’s a good ‘come here’ or a bad ‘come here’. Can we workshop a way to communicate that doesn’t feel so stressful to me? Could you say something like “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.”?”

    Tell him what you are feeling until he understands and wants to help you feel less stressed. Another option is to ask while you are walking, something simple like “good or bad?”

    • Over dinner with friends, they were sharing their own “communication pacts”. My one friend said they had a “No gaslighting” rule where if something even sounds like a potential gaslight, they call it out and squash it.

      My wife and I have a few rules. A “No surprises” rule would resolve this issue. “Come here” is vague, which can be surprising. I’d enforce that rule.

      We review these couple rules every year or two. Been married for 15 years.

  • redimk
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    82 years ago

    My mother is like this as well, when I was little she used to only say “come here!”, and if I wasn’t showing up right next to her she wouldn’t say what she wanted to say, she would just stay silent. Sometimes it was only to let me know it was someone’s birthday.

    She even says it unconsciously now. She lives in Venezuela, I live in Brazil now, and during calls she still says “come here” and every time I tell her “Now how am I gonna go there right now? Are you paying for the plane tickets?”

    It’s not just you, you’re not mental, it’s fucking frustrating and at some point in my life I just decided not to react to her “come here” and keep quiet until she tells me what she wants, otherwise I’m not interested.

  • @TheInsane42@lemmy.world
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    82 years ago

    I guess it bothers you as it’s a command, not a request. I’m not to responsive to commands as well. My wife doesn’t give them, but states a situation, usually expecting I drop everything and respond. (almost as bad)

    As someone already reacted, in the car I get a ‘look’ as well, but th’s usually because she sees an old car. (When busy with traffic, I miss it, but we have some nice spots)

    Some consideration from your partner is appreciated though, but that requires telling what is wrong as well. Without communication the problem only escalates. (Which usually doesn’t bode well for relationships)

    • @Saraphim@lemmy.worldOP
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      42 years ago

      Hmm that’s part of it. But I literally never know what I’m walking in to. About 2 months ago he was yelling “a little help here. Hurry. I need you.” He said those three things instead of “I cut my hand in the garage, bring a towel because I’m bleeding”. Nope he yelled at me vaguely and then acted annoyed when I didn’t hurry and he was clearly bleeding everywhere and then snapped at me to go get him a towel and move faster because it was an emergency.

      • @TheInsane42@lemmy.world
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        22 years ago

        Oh help, bloody idiot (litteraly). Looks like a pampered kid. Was he an only child? The 1st thing a child learns (when out of diapers) in a multiple kid family is to be clear when you need help and help yourself first/as much as possible. When a person is not clear what they want, they have only themselves to blame when others don’t understand what they want. (but alas, it looks like you have some educating to do, but I doubt it’ll stick)

        I had an accident (several even) with blood loss, but even with a concussion (after a head-bud from a wheelbarrow, resulting in it and a huge nosebleed) it was clear that just shouting would be useless, so I went to the spot where the help was available. Yes, blood all around, most of it on clothes and outside, but that could be cleaned. I know my wife would rather clean up later then find a non-functioning husband.

  • Maharashtra
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    42 years ago

    Ask him to add “This is interesting!” followed by “please”.

    If he won’t, repeat the request 3 times, then announce that you’re going to pretend he didn’t say a thing and refuse to move.

  • squiblet
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    2 years ago

    My gf used to do that and I found it super annoying. Seems obvious why - do I want to get up over and over again and walk into the other room? No. I might be busy doing something, also. Sometimes the things she’d want me to see were very trivial, too. So it can be inconsiderate. I explained I found it annoying and had to start saying “no”.

    She also does a similar thing verbally, like she’ll say my name from 2-3 rooms away. I’ve asked her to rather than say my name and make me yell across the house, please just say whatever it is, or even better, SHE can get up and tell me. To make it more annoying, sometimes she says my name, i respond, then she doesn’t say anything. Again, it’s inconsiderate. I don’t want to be required to shout “YES??”. I’ve asked her repeatedly to please not do it and she still does this.

    Since she won’t stop and I’ve told her countless times that I don’t like it, I started responding with a pissy or harsh tone of voice like “WHAT??”…. which has no effect at all. I’d rather not be unpleasant, though… but asking her to please be more considerate and listen to me has no effect at all.

    • @Saraphim@lemmy.worldOP
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      72 years ago

      Are you sure your girlfriend isn’t my husband ? It’s just fucking annoying. Just tell me what you want. Or as he so condescendingly says to me when I’ve decided something isn’t worth discussing (he’s the king of talking things through until I see his point and agree with him) he tells me to “use my words”. The reason I’m not using my words is because it’s not worth the following 4 hour debate about how I should see things his way.