Title says it all
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Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.
The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.
The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.
The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.
spoiler
Then the barkeep shouts: “I KNEW IT, YOU ARE PIRATES!”
A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It’s still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for “The aristocrats” style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D
Oh, man, I love The Aristocrats joke. Used to have a DVD of that one with a lot of comedians telling their own versions of The Aristocrats joke.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)
I think this one
I’ve never seen this and had no idea that’s what it’s about. Absolutely watching that.
It’s worth it. Have fun!
I had fun. Thank you.
Good to know!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Choking noise (🍆)
This joke was passed on to me from my mom:
What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?
Answer:
A crow with a machine gun.
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Tiger Woods. It’s no place for a picnic.
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?” The pirate answers: “Yarr, it be driving me nuts!”
The version I heard had a parrot on the steering wheel. Makes more sense with the pirate context hahaha
What’s the most common type of owl in the UK?
The Teat-owl
Two fish in a tank.
One turned to the other and asked; “How do we drive this thing?”
What do you get when you pull the wings off of a fly?
A walk.
How do blind skydivers know when to deploy their chute?
When the leash goes slack.
An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.
(Un œuf sounds like “enough.” That’s the joke.)
Why can’t your nose by 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot.
