You know the type, probably a good father or worker, but serious faced all the time, never smiles, often in a bad mood, very cynical. It’s just I feel like I’m on the path to this, I’m 28, just escaped 12 years of food service so I’m already super cynical and if someone comes up to me, I’m super ready to shut down whatever’s about to happen. I feel like working with customers for years I’ve learned to have giant walls up and I can’t seem to remove them. I see the other guys in the factory I’m working at laughing and joking all the time, I think of myself as funny but it’s always deadpan humor and I wish I could genuinely smile and laugh and make friends with the other guys. Any old timers or well travelers out there have any advice?
Brother, you might need to just give yourself time.
You mentioned you just got out of 12 years in food service and you’re only 28 years old! Depending on how recent your escape was, you may just need some time to not do food service and you’ll feel yourself start to come out of your shell. My man, you’ve probably been out through the wringer in your past industry. Enjoy your new career and the nice things that are different from the place you left behind.
Beyond that, I’ve always believed that to have fun, people need to feel safe. You have to ask yourself: “am I grumpy because I don’t feel safe/accepted/comfortable in this situation?” By analyzing what’s bothering you, you may be able to eventually push yourself out of your comfort zone and have a playful attitude with others. I think the father in your example story does but feel safe in his own life.
Friendliness covers a multitude of sins, but it takes practice to present yourself in a friendly way.
i’d say it gets better but I am 42.
Yeah I’m 38 and I’ve noticed the same lately. I occasionally think about death and my own mortality - that one day, like everyone, I’m going to cease to exist. I’m probably half way through life if I’m fortunate. All these factors has lead me to a conclusion that life is to short to be grumpy for no real reason, decide to be happy. I’m working on it, and things are far better this way. I’ve always been a person who has a smile on their face but that’s been changing. People often think or ask, where do I want to be in 5-10 years, I go the opposite. I think of myself on my deathbed and reflect what would I have been satisfied with in life? Pretty weird but is what works for me.
Just put yourself out there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you wanna be friends with the “fun” guys go join their group, introduce yourself, say “what’s up”. Don’t put a lot of pressure on it.
The same thing goes for hobbies. I assume you have hobbies and interests? Look up meetups for these things and then, and this is important, go do those things with other people. This is actually an easier avenue than the factory because you’ll already know you have something in common and, fundamentally, peeps love talking about their hobbies. And their hobbies are your hobbies. Jackpot.
But, at the end of the day, if you don’t want to be serious all the time then you just can’t take everything seriously. Being there for your kids? Every fucking time. Someone makes a joke at your expense? Laugh. Was it a good joke? Laugh harder. Who gives a shit.
My advice? Sounds like you could use some therapy. Genuinely therapy is really helpful for sorting out these issues.
You sound like you may be dealing with more than just burn out. Of course im not a medical professional and i dont know you well enough to really make any fair assessment but just talking things out with someone would likely be beneficial.
If you can’t afford therapy, talking things out with a friend may help as well but as they wont be trained to deal with this, it may or may not be helpful. It can help but its not a replacement for professional help unfortunately. I speak from experience but ymmv.
I worked in CS so i know it sucks. I hope things get better for you.
I’ve got no qualms against going back to therapy, it’s been some years. Only thing is I’ll have to wait till November when I can get on my works insurance plan
In case you don’t know about it and its effectiveness, you could read about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. You could watch Steven Hayes Ted Talk (or other talks) or read his Liberated Mind book.
Probably avoiding alcohol unless in moderation when socializing. I’d suggest meditating as well.
Get a better job and hang around with cooler people, get drunk and high if you feel like it, and get your mind into a state of carelessness about all the bullshit. Don’t worry about things that you can’t control, because it does no good and stains your mind. Enjoy your hobbies and do whatever you want.
get drunk
they buried the real answer here inside a bunch of extra fluff
Remember kids that drugs and alcohol (redundant) only boost your dopamine levels temporarily while you’re under the influence, and can totally ruin your body’s ability to produce dopamine normally.
only boost your dopamine levels temporarily
That’s true if you’re only under the influence of drugs and alcohol temporarily. Be high and/or drunk all the time and it will boost your dopamine permanently.
Source: my 20’s.
name checks out
Obligatory PSA from Southpark about the real danger of many drugs - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd4cASkBAp0
I agree with @Bluefruit that therapy is invaluable if you get a good therapist (you might have to try a few; don’t get discouraged). I think 80% (a number right from my ass) people could benefit from therapy (as opposed to 80% need therapy).
But also, some of it is just personality. I also don’t smile easily with people who aren’t close to me. I have trouble making jokes with people that don’t know me intimately because my (also) deadpan humor is dark and absurdist. Only through knowing me intimately will it sound like a joke. A colleague once observed that he was starting to recognize my brand of humor six months into working together, which I found surprising at the time. Some of it you just accept as who you are.
Having been in CS positions at different times in my life, I realize that it can make a person dead inside. Hopefully, this isn’t your situation. If it is, please work (however you find an ability to) to find a change. For me, it was witnessing a moment of truly astonishing empathy from someone that was a wakeup call. Best of luck!
The way you avoid becoming a crotchety old man is to die young. I’m not sure I’ve met a genuinely happy old man.
My grandpa lived to 93, lived through the depression, went overseas during WW2, drove a cab and various delivery trucks until he retired. He wasn’t crotchety at all, at least not that I saw, and I spent a good 7 years living just a few blocks away, so I saw him a lot. He was always cracking jokes and singing songs. Before dinner he’d often turn his knife into an instrument (use your palm to hold down the blade end against the edge of the table and flick the handle… Move it in and out to change the tone). When out to dinner he was the one blowing is straw wrapper across the dining area. He’d flop his dentures all around to ways that were silly. He even had an old fart machine made out of some steel wire, a washer, and some rubber bands.
Sometimes he’s say, “people weren’t meant to live this long”, but that’s about as dark as it got and it was normally said in a matter of fact way. He’d usually just say “getting old isn’t for wimps.”
I’ve met several. Usually on dive boats in the Caribbean! So I’d say the secret is to overdose on nitrogen while staring at fish in their natural habitat.
I know of one that seems happy all the time, he’s approaching 70. He’s also stoned 24/7 which may have something to do with it.
I think one thing you can do is just practice smiling. Smiling sends you good brain chemicals, even if you’re not happy. Maybe those other guys joke and laugh with each other, but not you, because when they see your serious face, they think you don’t want to interact with them. If you smile when you overhear their jokes, they may rope you in. And people just like seeing someone smile. (Generally. If people start looking worried and edging away from you slowly, maybe dial it back a little.)
One other thing I think of as a hallmark of crotchety people is reacting to any development pragmatically or even pessimistically. A lot of things that happen in life could be interpreted in multiple ways, and you can try to focus on the positive sides of things. Boss asks you to do extra work? Maybe it’s an opportunity to impress them, or develop a new skill. Car won’t start? Well, it IS nice out, and it feels good to go for a walk. I know that isn’t always easy to do, often times a thing happens that is just crappy. But try to practice it whenever you get a chance, until it becomes a habit.
Additionally, since that’s not always reliable, make a habit at the end of the day to think of and say out loud 3 things that happened that you were grateful for that day. They can be big broad things like “I’m glad I’m healthy” or even “I’m glad my back didn’t hurt like usual” or really specific like “I’m glad Tony said he’d cover my shift at work, he didn’t have to do that.”
☝️underrated comment. I’ve been doing remote tech support & customer service for a few years and taught myself to smile whenever I’m typing out a message to a customer. Even though the customer can’t see it, it nudges my head in the right direction and makes the work more tolerable.
You are literally bio-hacking your brain by doing this. It seems counterintuitive but your mood is partially controlled by a feedback loop in your brain, and smiling will essentially force other parts to get on board the happy train.
Try to enjoy life a bit. If there is nothing that is currently bringing you that joy, now is the time to experiment a bit.
After reading the other replies I went back and re-read your post to check…you don’t mention a partner or any significant other. I think you might be focusing too hard inward (bad mood, cynical, walls up) and not focusing outward (cherishing interactions with others, forming or maintaining bonds with others). Perhaps you’re feeling lonely?
I am a grump but my wife won’t let me get away with it for long. I am cynical but my friends call me on it because I force myself to share. My work puts me in contact with new people every day and I actively seek an understanding of them and have to let them see who I am in order to be good at my job.
Another respondent said “put yourself out there”. I agree but would also add seek out interactions with others and be a participant not an observer.
So I do have a partner, we spend a lot of time together and I’m actually quite happy relationship wise, however I’m not very happy friend wise, I have some online friends but no real friends and have trouble talking to other guys, I’ve never been much for bro talk
Making friends as an adult is hard. Is there something you like to do that occurs outside your home? We used to play darts on Tuesdays - not with a group, just the two of us - and found that the same people were often at the bar each week. Would have been pretty easy to invite someone to play. Anywhere that people gather fairly regularly can be a good meeting place. Also, volunteering can help with negativity and can be a good place to meet people. Feeling better about yourself makes you more attractive/approachable to other people.
I’m glad you have someone to lean on - that’s what makes the difference for me. I also don’t do bro - hate sports, don’t like pranks. I don’t have many friends but the ones I have are solid and dependable. I see my best friend less than monthly but we talk several times a day to share work complaints, discuss food or what we’re currently binging on TV.
Look for the little joys. Seriously. You know that light that always seems to be red when you get there? Celebrate the times it’s not rather than getting annoyed when it is. Make up words from the letters on a license and consider what might make a person want that. Come up with bad answers. Absurd ones. Find shapes in clouds.
Not all of that is easy but it can be worth the effort.
Happiness can be chosen, just not all the time. Look for the places you can and try to do it. Like anything it’ll get easier with practice.
*There are hard things that will make choosing happiness nigh impossible. If you find yourself in one of these places you need external help, very probably professional. It’s not weakness to acknowledge that any more than it is to see a doctor if you cut off your arm.
I’ll add, Listen to stand up comedy or a funny podcast while driving. Your brain will eventually associate annoyance with humor, and everything irritating becomes a chance to make a joke. Made a difference for me after years of sitting in traffic.
That’s a really great idea, I never thought of that! Would have really helped my 2 hour each way commutes that drove me crazy before I went full remote.
Not specific to your issue but: Remember that people younger than you grew up in very different situations then you did. You grew up, then the world changed. It never stops changing.
Therapy and work on trying to build a mentality around just letting things so. Change happens rapidly, people don’t like change, just gotta fix that mentality and go with the flow of change instead of always pushing against it. Therapist could help find out the why you’re so against changes and help change your perspective on it.
Force yourself to do things you know you normally enjoy, can help break a person out of a “rut”.
Best of luck bud.
