I am of the age to have kids, some of my friends have them, but I have mixed feelings about it, just wondering about other people’s experiences.
I do not have kids.
I do not want kids.
I do not regret it.To be fair, I get the perspective makes sense from a biological/evolutionary perspective. But if I had to understand intuitively or from how I feel, I don’t get why anyone would want kids.
I do not have kids. I do not want kids. I do not regret it.
Would you like them in a house? Would you like them with a mouse?
No to all. I get to spend all my time and money with my wife. We can travel, watch concerts, and do any activity without having to worry about babysitting, getting home early, etc.
Has anyone close to you told you that you should have kids?
There’s definitely some talk on my wife’s side of the family, since her extended family has tons of kids, so they just expect anyone who gets married to have kids. We just tune it out. It also helps that we moved away so they can’t really bother much. My side doesn’t really care, or at least doesn’t care enough to ask or talk about it.
I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:
The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.
They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.
I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.
Such a wise and thoughtful answer 😊👍
Absolutely fucking not. Me and my wife can’t think of many things we’d want less, tbh.
Don’t have kids, don’t want kids, for a range of reasons from, legit seems cruel to force a human into the world, specially with how it’s going, to there is far too much to do in this world that kids will prevent, and I just don’t want them. Zero regrets, and happier each day with my decision not to have kids.
I have 4 kids. I wanted 4 kids. I love my children and am so happy that I had them. NOT EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE KIDS. They take all your resources. They come out of the box with factory settings that will drive you crazy. They are a really, really long commitment. I would say life long but sadly I’ve seen otherwise.
People will tell you that you should have kids because they think of all the joy and meaning they give to their lives. This is true. But other things can give you joy. Other things can give you meaning. If you don’t like those other things you can just stop doing them. You can’t (shouldn’t) stop being a parent.
Lastly the answer can always be maybe someday but not now. You can adopt. You can foster. Fertility treatments or other options can extend viable child bearing years beyond what I would recommend, but once you have kids they are always there. Make the decision for yourself rather than allowing others to for you and you will be happier for it.
No, no, no.
Early 30s and no.
- the world has enough people
- I have no interest in giving up my comforts for another being right now
- I never asked to be here and I hate that I am most of the time so why would I force that on another being
- if I ever change my mind and am in a good enough spot economically I will just adopt. imo if I can’t afford to adopt then I can’t afford a child and I’m fine with that.
- I’m stoked about being the weird/cool auntie, parenthood would take that away from me
No, no, and no.
Same for my wife.
My only concern is the future Idiocracy of the world, but I don’t think my having a kid would’ve fixed that anyway.
I’m a stepdad, so I chose this life and this kid. Their bio dad is pretty awful; the mental abuse has really messed this kid up in some ways. I’m glad to be a part of their life and show them they’re worthy of being loved (mom is great, but feeling rejected by dad will still do a number on just about anyone).
I wouldn’t want to have another kid now. If I’d been in the picture when the kid was a lot younger I think I would’ve wanted them to have a sibling; I think in general that’s pretty great to have (of course, situations vary). But now in our 40s and with this kid so close to finishing high school we definitely don’t want to start over. Plus we’ve learned my wife and her kid have a genetic condition for a chronic illness that can make life a lot harder, and it seems to be getting worse with every generation, so we wouldn’t want to risk passing it on.
When I was younger I was sure I didn’t want kids. As I got older I realized if I was with the right partner and they wanted kids then I’d be happy to try for them. I feel like having the right partner is key. It’s certainly possible to do a good job as a single parent, but with the right partner it’s a lot easier, or at least less challenging. If you’re not in a solid, supportive relationship that you can see lasting for the long haul—through ups and downs—then I would not recommend having kids, especially if you’re uncertain about the whole idea. It’s pretty much the biggest commitment and most responsibility any person will ever have.
No, I haven’t met a person with whom Ibwould like to have children yet. Yes, I would like to have 2 or 3 children.
I have kids, I love them but I regret having kids with my toxic wife
I’m sorry :/
Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.
I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.
If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.
I’m a yes on kids and no regrets on having them. But I have a few comments on it.
- Kids can be very different. Don’t decide based on how much you like someone else’s kid.
- Having kids is great and gives life meaning and all that crap, but very few people start wanting kids after having them. If you aren’t sure you want kids, please don’t have kids! Not even one! The very least you owe a kid is a parent that wants them.
- If you do have kids, read a parenting book. Even better, read one or two every year. There are heaps of ideas on getting kids to cooperate, and arguably more important, making sure you don’t actively hurt them, don’t destroy their self esteem, make them live in fear of you, etc. I say read many because you’ll find common themes, and ideas that click with you and work with your unique kids. One of the first ones I read suggested buying a baby gate so you could lock your two year old in their room alone when they were “naughty”, pretty glad I kept reading other books.
And this is important to me but apparently not so much to others, but we are well onto the area of unsolicited advice and I’m rambling now so I’m just gonna say it: you have one job, you’re raising adults. Make them cable, functioning adults but even more so do everything you can to make sure they make it to adulthood in good shape! Teeth get brushed twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Put them in a car seat every single time, don’t be that parent driving their preschooler around with no car seat. The recommendations for what age to use car seats until are probably a lot older age than you’re expected, do some reading. (also no kids under 12 in the front seat if there’s an air bag). Watch them properly near water. Driveways are not playing areas. If you live near an ozone hole like I do then it’s important to know that one bad sunburn as a kid can be a death sentence when they are older.
A shitload of kids never grow up for completely preventable reasons. One. Job. If you’re gonna do it, make sure you take it seriously.
Also we live in different times. Google the shit out of any question you have. You can use incognito for the really stupid ones but still Google them if you aren’t sure and it might be important.
Yes this rant was brought to you by some horrifying things I’ve seen.
As a person who is considering to have kids in the near future: Thanks for the insight :) Could you recommend books to read? I already got some (hopefully) good recommondations on sleep related books, but I guess this phase is over in a blink and new challenges will arrive.
Save Our Sleep is the book you want, bear in mind all kids are different, the book covers that
It won’t feel like a blink at the time 😆. Oh god those early months are hard, though as many people will say it doesn’t get less hard just hard in different ways (terrible twos, threenagers, fucking fours). My books got refined to the kids, and it’s been a few years now, but I seem to recall “how to talk so little kids will listen” is a good entry point. This is for ages 2-7 because it’s around the tantrum starting age (2ish). There’s a much older and much more famous book called “how to talk so kids will listen”, it’s also good but I’m not sure if you get much more if you’ve read the “little kids” version (which was written by the daughter of the original book). The newer one also feels more modern. I might revisit the older one when I reach teenage years (which I’m told start at 9 or earlier 😅).
I seem to also remember liking one called Playful Parenting, which is written by a child psychologist that specialises in play therapy. There’s also a follow up book called The Art of Roughhousing that was written after he emphasised in Playful Parenting the important of roughhousing and people didn’t know how. Literally just pages of cool things to do at each age (think of Bluey and Bingo mountain climbing - you might not (yet) know what I mean but I know plenty of childless/free adults that love watching bluey).
A bit older, The Explosive Child, which is probably around age 5 or 6. It’s about kids who have trouble regulating emotion, and strategies - often this is ADHD. This one made the list due to our specific kids. Maybe they have books to help parents of kids who do what they are asked and behave all the time, but such a book wouldn’t be useful to me 🥴
I also recall The Whole Brain Child was good, but I can’t recall what it was about. That might be a more general one, a good starting point for someone a little while away from tantrums.
A couple I still have on my list are Raising Good Humans and The Book you Wish your Parents had Read. I have started on the latter and not yet sure if it’s going to click with me. Lots of focus on mindfulness, and on journaling about how you were raised and feelings that come up and so on - the intent seems to be to be more in control in the moment and less “yelly”. I’m not too far in though.
Oh another is The Gardner and the Carpenter. If I remember right this one emphasised that you are not a carpenter, sculpting your child into what you want them to be, but rather you are more like a gardener, there to pull the weeds out but letting your child grow to be themself. I can’t remember much more than that.
I seem to recall most of the books were more practically useful from ages 2 onwards, but I still found it helpful to read a few books in advance of this just to work out what sort of parent I was trying to be.
I’ve listed a few, I think a good approach is to start a list. Write down the books, subscribe to parenting communties, and pick one that seems like a good starting point. Then as others recommend books, you can add them to your list. If you see the same ones come up multiple times then bump them up the list to be read sooner.
Thank you so much for this detailed answer :)
