Every day, all day, I have to lie to clients at work and tell them I’m good. I’m far from good and lying about it constantly is killing me.
I’m incredibly lonely and almost everything I usually enjoy feels like a goddamn chore.
Anyone else here feel like that? If so, how do y’all cope?
I don’t, I rely an ready made sentences that require no effort on my part are that are not lies at all. Depending who’s asking when someone is asking me how well I’m I will answer (it’s in French)
- ‘Je vais bien, pas le choix!’ (I’m doing well, no choice!) or more often ‘Je vais toujours bien, c’est défendu d’aller mal!’ (I’m always well, It’s forbidden to feel bad!'). Edit I will more often than not smile, saying that.
- ‘Bien sur et toi?’ (sure, and you?) and, yep, I purposefully do not answer the question.
I don’t lie (I may even hint that I may not be doing that well, in the first type of answers) but I also shamelessly use the fact that most people don’t give the slightest crap how well I really am when they’re asking. That’s small-talk 101. Like saying ‘the weather is nice today, isn’t it?’
The less interactions I have with the kind of persons who rely on small-talk, the happier I’m. So, it never bothers me to be ‘polite’ as I know how efficient it is to shorten the time and energy I waste with them.
Curiosity question, is it common where you’re from for people to ask how you’re doing as a form of greeting? I had always heard it was such an American thing to do.
Here in France it’s probably the norm the moment it’s some other person you vaguely know. Or if there is no ‘power’ or authority relation involved.
That said, things may be different for younger people (I’m in my 50s) as I’ve noticed they don’t talk that much in person.
Edit: typos. Cooking at the same time I’m trying to post a comment is not the best idea ;)
This is what I LOVE about German culture.
“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation.
I went to an English boarding school for half a year and once a teacher walked by and asked me “how are you”. Now I know she was just polite. But she looked so bewildered once I gave her an update on beeing so far from home for the first time and that the rooms are very very small etc. She was absolutely not ready for these 2-3 minutes, and I even think she was in a hurry.
Of course “I am suffering from serious depression and my life is in shambles” is also not a normal answer in Germany, but “puh, it’s been rough the past few weeks, but I guess better time will come” totally is. Then it’s the other person’s choice to dig deeper or just accept that answer.
“How are you/Wie geht es dir” is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person’s situation
Truly the land of milk and honey colored beer
Oh you need to befriend me. It’s an absolutely normal answer. As is “well at the rate it’s going humanity is doomed and shits getting worse rapidly, I’m coping”.
“The horrors persist, but so do I.”
Your issue doesn’t seem to be the greeting itself. Please - talk with someone about your potential depression. Maybe someday you can say honestly “I’m OK.” and it’ll sit better.
"Struggle, endure, contend. For that alone is the sword of one who defies death. "
“Struggle is the bread of life. It is the element that distinguishes the living from the dead”
“No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within those who fight.”
“In times of despair, remember this: the darkest nights produce the brightest stars. Endure, and you will find your path”
Personally, I’ve come to despise the “How’re you?” greeting — it feels like it normalizes impersonal interactions and encourages the behavior of masking one’s emotions. When someone asks “How are you?” I want that sentence to actually carry the emotional weight that it verbally masquerades. So, if someone says “How are you?”, I just respond with a generic greeting like “Hi”.
genuinely great answer. thanks.
genuinely great answer. […]
Thank you 😊
[…] thanks.
You’re welcome 😊
You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.
The horrors persist, but so do I.
Cthulu lives (runs away)
No one really wants an accurate answer. It’s just a greeting. Someone says ‘how are you?’ you say ‘grand’ then get on with your day. Same as when someone says ‘what’s happening?’ They don’t want a comprehensive list of your woes and such.
Edit: just found this - https://lemmy.world/post/25032324
Well obviously, but I know that I’m lying and it just reminds me of how I’m shitty like 90% of days.
Could you maybe skip the answer and go directly to asking „how are you?“ back?
Adding a “thanks” acknowledges them asking. “Thanks, how about you?” Doesn’t answer the question, but follows the social interaction formula of acknowledgment and throwing it back/mirroring.
Then say something different. Same shit different day, surviving for now, whatever. They’ll shrug it off and move on. We all do it. My mom used to say, “it’s a good day. I woke up on the right side of the dirt.”
It’s impossible to be 100% honest all the time if you want to live in the western culture. It would cause so many problems. You would be seen as someone strange, even though you are the normal one for expressing your honest emotions.
In a mad world, being sane is seen as being mad.
If it’s a greeting, then just greet me. “Hey!”, “Good morning”, etc. Don’t ask me a question you don’t want an answer to.
The people from northern Germany have very honest, but simple way to answer this question.
„Na? Wie is?“ (How is your life going right now?)
„Muss ja…“. (It is going on because it has to.)
wat mut dat mut
Machste nix 🤷♂️
Tja…
In the Midwest we have a similar one:
Person 1: How’s it going?
Person 2: It’s going(! or … depending on the mood)
“Another day in paradise.” “We’re going alright.” “Looking forward to [Quitting time/the weekend/heading home]” “Nothing worth complaining about.”
“Living the dream…”
Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don’t understand. Life is too short to be normal.
Life is a sandbox game and nowhere it says you need to play it like other people do. I look at the lives of the “average person” and I don’t want what they have so I also don’t see why I should do what they do and expect a different outcome. Ofcourse one doesn’t just choose to not care about what others think - it’s not that easy, but there are small steps you can take towards it that you can do every day.
For example: I like looking at things. Virtually every day I notice something and go: “what is that?” A normal person would maybe look at it while walking by without stopping but not me. I’m the guy others walk by wondering what the hell is he doing. Just yesterday there was this fascinating chain mail curtain that a store uses to close in the cashier window at night and I spent a solid 2 minutes there twiddling with it while the staff was wondering if I’m going to buy something or not. Nah, I’m just studying this thing here.
I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is “I’m fine thanks”. any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.
I found out that the best way to make (certain) people stop asking it is to just be entirely honest for a change.
Don’t say “I’m fine, thanks. And you?” Launch into a depressing tirade about everything that sucks in your life and the world. Trust me, they’ll never ask again.
Heavenly peace.
As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”
The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:
“How are you?”
“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”
Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”
The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.
Then stop lying about it :
“Hey, how you doin’?”
" Everything’s bad, as usual, thanks"
Or
“Just as bad as yesterday, thanks, what about you?”
Or
“… next question?”
If it’s a client and can’t afford to be awkward, just say say
“Just another day”
And if people ask for more details but you don’t want to talk about it, just say :
“Just having a bad day”
Or
“Nothing good happened yet”
Or
“Nothing out of the ordinary”
Or just make up your honest but polite answers
I feel like it would be really interesting to see what would happen if everyone started doing this at once, but as it stands it’d just make things more complicated for yourself.
Not at all. I’ve done this for years and it’s not complicated in the least.
Getting fired speed run
I should’ve gotten fired long ago if that was true… nope, quite the opposite.
Depends on the job. If you tell random people you’re doing bad they usually look at you funny at the very least.
I just stopped saying I’m fine. It’s actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually “been better” and I’m usually more like “pretty shitty, my guy”. People who didn’t mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.
I use “Getting by. We’re all just getting by.” I usually get a reply like, “Ain’t that the truth.” More real, and it invites an attitude of being in it together.
Arrive at work.
Coworker asks, “How are you?”
I respond, “Well, I’m here.”
Coworker nods knowingly.
I’ve been going with “surviving” for the last year or so. It’s about as good as I can confess to myself most days. I agree with you in that “good thanks”, you? Feels you close to lying for my morals on my bad days.
I’ve been saying “I don’t know” to the “how are you doing” question for about 20 years. It’s pretty good. 95% of the time that’s the end of the conversation. 5% of the time a dialogue that isn’t mundane happens.
