Dating is odd to me. I do not really know what my motivations are. If I actually find someone. What then? What will we do? How different will our relationship be from a regular friendship (besides you know what). And should it be?
Should you be wanting to do other things with your SO then a very good friend?
What I’m getting at is, have you ever thought to someone: “They don’t really want a relationship they just want a one particular friend with benefits.”
I don’t know if I’m rambling over here. But I’m really having difficulty digesting this one.
Edit: The reason I ask is because I’m thinking to start dating again but I don’t know my end goal.
I don’t try to fuck my friends hah. I can sit for hours with my SO and not utter a word and just do my shit. I don’t have to be on and allowed to be irritable.
My wife says she got to marry her best friend, and I say that I get to bang my best friend whenever we want.
I don’t think of relationship types as distinct categories. I view relationships as a many-dimensional spectrum. All relationships fall somewhere on this spectrum. Some are sexual, some have romance, some have shared hobbies, some have admiration etc.
It is very individual. For me, our first date felt like we’ve been hanging out forever already. I was super comfortable with them and vice versa. Bedroom compatibility helped, but I feel that 95% of that is they were my first partner to really communicate what they wanted. We also have very similar values in religion, politics, and how to approach life so there aren’t any deal breakers. Similar taste in music helps too, we each introduce the other to cool new stuff but also have our own things the other doesn’t like and we’re respectful about that and avoid playing it when the other is around.
It’s not all duckies and bunnies, we do disagree on stuff, but we’re both reasonable humans who look out for each other so come up with solutions as they come up.
You get a teammate for your battles against the world, and benefits.
It’s when there’s so much love, the SO becomes family.
Yeah, I’d say SO generally are like great friends (with benefits), but often, over time you end up doing so much stuff with them that they eclipse any other individual friend. And eventually (especially if you end up living together) they become such a part of your day to day life they can begin to feel like an extension of yourself (or rather, that you’re both part of one being) and it’s hard to live with out them. I remember laughing at my dad for wanting to phone my mum everyday when he was away on business. I’d be like “what do you even have to talk about? You see each other all the time” But now, if I had a day where I didn’t at least message with my partner I’d feel so isolated.
This is an interesting question. My husband is my ONE. Wherever he is, that’s home. We are absolutely best friends & more. We share absolutely everything & neither of us ever have to worry about the other one waking up one day & deciding to move on without the other.
I realize I’m lucky. Not every relationship is anywhere close to that. I was married before & lived with others… And I thought the “one true love” stuff & long-term monogamy was complete BS until he & I got together.
But not everyone wants the kind of relationship we have & that’s fine too. I have plenty of independent & awesome friends who have great friends, great lives, great hobbies; they adventure, travel, are fulfilled, etc etc all without an SO. Others who are in great relationships but are much more prone to doing things separately, and that’s what works for them.
So maybe if you don’t have that drive to find that relationship, maybe it’s not for you or maybe you just haven’t met the right kind of person yet. Your SO relationship can ultimately be whatever you want it to be, provided you find a partner agreeable with it. Best wishes either way!
I feel the same way. I still don’t really get the difference. To me it just seems like a really close friendship where you officially agree to spend tons of time together.
Yes! This!
This has been my feeling too.
This may not be the direction you feel like taking things, but, my mindset settled on polyamory. I love that I can let friendships and relationships grow and blossom without any artificial limitations.
I do hope you find what you’re looking for
allow me to sum up interpersonal relationships between all 8 billion people in one sentence:
you can’tbut, in a nutshell… physical attraction is usually important, so is romance… usually a commitment to this person in terms of time and future plans where they become more like family (and maybe eventually actually family if you have kids)
there’s such a crazy spectrum of the ways in which people could get along and consider themselves “in a relationship”.
every rule or tendency is constantly broken, it escapes definition.
in general, it begins with attraction and flirting, or it’s cemented as a friendship…
and, poetically, i’d say it’s a relationship when they start to see themselves as an entity, and of course others will see them like that too… a sort of hive-mind develops…
sorta like when celebrity couples get a combo nickname…Your end goal is falling in love
You’ll know when that happens
First goal is finding friends. This sounds like a joke but I’m serious don’t force a relationship. Meet people, get friends. If you align, you align. If not, you’ve made a friend. If not, you’ve learned what you don’t like or learned what others don’t like.
Make friends. Make a best friend. Then if a relationship blooms, at least it wasn’t forced. You met and found out what you liked before hand.
Yeah. But it happened me a couple of times that I fell in love at first sight before even getting to know the person. Then I loved the person too. Maybe it won’t last. But sometimes it’s just pure chemistry in our brain. Never force a relationship of course. And love can blossom with time. But if you stay with a person and it just feels like a close friend, you are probably not in love. And should move on.
Been there in both instances. Live and learn!
Well basically love is a form of psychosis where someone becomes the most important thing to you and your whole reality bends around that. You feel a deep abiding satisfaction and comfort just being in their presence or hearing their voice. Your personal identity becomes secondary to your shared identity as a couple and your connection to them is a core part of your emotional state and thought process. Anything that contradicts being with or caring for them is basically impossible to even think. This can be really wonderful or really horrible depending on the circumstances.
This sounds more like infatuation than love, TBH.
The way I see it infatuation is just the surface feeling, love is when it becomes a more permanent core motivation and foundation of what you do and think. What do you think the difference is?
Some of the things you mentioned in your first comment really point to infatuation to me, like your perseonal identity becoming secondary to a shared identity, and “Anything that contradicts being with or caring for them is basically impossible to even think.” These sound like elements of an unhealthy relationship.
Why are those things necessarily unhealthy? I phrased it in a negative way to emphasize that love can be unhealthy, but having a shared life/identity, being devoted to a person beyond rationality, if these things aren’t present I’m not sure how it would qualify as love at all.
The point is that, good or bad, love is overwhelming and all encompassing.
To me, the key difference is just how much you can be yourself around that person, without any feeling of self consciousness or shame. Even with very good friends, there are still things about yourself (physical or otherwise) that you don’t let them see.
Also, my wife IS my best friend.
You can bone them regularly without making things awkward
Clearly you’re only friends with boring people
Do you want a relationship, even if it means you’re only friends? Does sex have to be involved to make it a relationship?
You’re on to something here.
Can a relationship even be considered a relationship if it is just friends? If it can, please explain how that works. I’m not pulling your leg here, I really want to know.
Also, is sex a confirmation of a relationship or just an added bonus?
I know I just answered your questions with questions. But that’s why I’m here on no stupid questions.
There’s no actual definition. People often have all sorts of unconventional relationships/friendships. You have have sexless marriages, friends with benefits, etc.
Typically in general, most people are most comfortable when relationship moves towards having sex it often becomes exclusive relationship (in general, for most people). Some relationships might become exclusive and dating for a long time without sex. Some marriages even are platonic and maybe one or both have sex outside the marriage.
Similarly, what counts as a date?
If I get a bottle of wine, make dinner with and get cozy on the couch with my best friend… is that a date? Or are we just hanging out? What if we kiss?
I feel like it comes down to intent, and if that intent is shared and understood. Which is why communication is so important in any relationship.
I tend to take my friendships as seriously as my romantic relationships, because, often there is no tangible difference.
I’ve had so’s that were asexual, I’ve had friends I fucked but never “dated”. I’m still friends with most of my ex’s. Sex is sex but the relationship depends on how you define it between the two of you. A label is a label, what matters is that both people feel comfortable with the dynamic and are on the same page as far as what the relationship actually is.
Love comes in a myriad of forms and can evolve overtime, so often living in that grey area. Getting bogged down in trying to label and define what something is or isn’t will just make you rigid when reality comes and you’re in that grey area.
A poster above responded with something about building into a common future which also helps differentiate but can’t really be used as a hard line. I’m actively working into a common future with my best friend and partner but I’m only dating one of them. Devotion, trust, respect, vulnerablity, consistency, and common morals/boundaries seem to be the things I look for when i’m looking at someone I’m considering to be a partner.
You can have a relationship without sex, it kind of depends on what either person is looking for, but a non-sexual dating relationship is probably a bit rarer nowadays. Me personally, I have a high libido, if I’m dating somebody, I’m hoping it leads to sex at some point. That’s just me though, everyone is different.
A sexual, dating relationship can be a sort of temporary phase of the relationship that usually transitions into something else. It starts off running hot, but it can either burn out (end) or things kind of die down and become like a candle (monotonous), or somehow they build the flame up into a campfire, or even a raging sexual inferno. It just kind of depends on the couple. Usually though, if it becomes a longer term relationship, then other things and responsibilities come into the picture (home, kids, finances, etc).
