Dating is odd to me. I do not really know what my motivations are. If I actually find someone. What then? What will we do? How different will our relationship be from a regular friendship (besides you know what). And should it be?
Should you be wanting to do other things with your SO then a very good friend?
What I’m getting at is, have you ever thought to someone: “They don’t really want a relationship they just want a one particular friend with benefits.”
I don’t know if I’m rambling over here. But I’m really having difficulty digesting this one.
Edit: The reason I ask is because I’m thinking to start dating again but I don’t know my end goal.
This is an interesting question. In my opinion, romance, true romance, is built over time through consistent effort. Nobody truly loves someone the moment they see that person. Anyone who thinks that they fell in love at first sight, well, I call that puppy love. It’s the kind of “love” that middle school children engage in.
I think that distinction doesn’t get emphasized enough. And all the romance movies that glorify “passionate love” aren’t helping. If you were to ask me, true love is what’s left after the passion has died out. I know some people describe it as being like a best friend. I won’t necessarily say that it’s wrong, since it’s a pretty close approximation. But I don’t think that’s the full picture.
Have you ever lived with a roommate? A lot of it is about balancing each person’s wants and compromising. A lot of it is about forming a strong system of habits that won’t anger the other person. Who does the dishes? Who takes out the trash? Who keeps track of groceries? What do you do if the other person is upset? Even down to simple things, like what to do if you and the other person can’t agree on what to eat. If you had a roommate at any point in your life, you’d probably understand what I mean. Having an SO is essentially like that, but much harder, because you’re sharing many more things than with just a roommate. In my opinion, true love is about aiming to set up that equilibrium where both people enjoy living with the other person.
To summarize, if you were given a choice between living with your SO or living alone, and you end up preferring to live with your SO, then I would consider that true love.
In my opinion, true romance has Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette.
It’s when there’s so much love, the SO becomes family.
I feel like a good SO is just a best friend with benefits. Someone you can do all the same stuff as a bestie with, and feel the same way around, but you also are sexually attracted and fuck.
Do you want a relationship, even if it means you’re only friends? Does sex have to be involved to make it a relationship?
You’re on to something here.
Can a relationship even be considered a relationship if it is just friends? If it can, please explain how that works. I’m not pulling your leg here, I really want to know.
Also, is sex a confirmation of a relationship or just an added bonus?
I know I just answered your questions with questions. But that’s why I’m here on no stupid questions.
You can have a relationship without sex, it kind of depends on what either person is looking for, but a non-sexual dating relationship is probably a bit rarer nowadays. Me personally, I have a high libido, if I’m dating somebody, I’m hoping it leads to sex at some point. That’s just me though, everyone is different.
A sexual, dating relationship can be a sort of temporary phase of the relationship that usually transitions into something else. It starts off running hot, but it can either burn out (end) or things kind of die down and become like a candle (monotonous), or somehow they build the flame up into a campfire, or even a raging sexual inferno. It just kind of depends on the couple. Usually though, if it becomes a longer term relationship, then other things and responsibilities come into the picture (home, kids, finances, etc).
Similarly, what counts as a date?
If I get a bottle of wine, make dinner with and get cozy on the couch with my best friend… is that a date? Or are we just hanging out? What if we kiss?
I feel like it comes down to intent, and if that intent is shared and understood. Which is why communication is so important in any relationship.
I tend to take my friendships as seriously as my romantic relationships, because, often there is no tangible difference.
I’ve had so’s that were asexual, I’ve had friends I fucked but never “dated”. I’m still friends with most of my ex’s. Sex is sex but the relationship depends on how you define it between the two of you. A label is a label, what matters is that both people feel comfortable with the dynamic and are on the same page as far as what the relationship actually is.
Love comes in a myriad of forms and can evolve overtime, so often living in that grey area. Getting bogged down in trying to label and define what something is or isn’t will just make you rigid when reality comes and you’re in that grey area.
A poster above responded with something about building into a common future which also helps differentiate but can’t really be used as a hard line. I’m actively working into a common future with my best friend and partner but I’m only dating one of them. Devotion, trust, respect, vulnerablity, consistency, and common morals/boundaries seem to be the things I look for when i’m looking at someone I’m considering to be a partner.
There’s no actual definition. People often have all sorts of unconventional relationships/friendships. You have have sexless marriages, friends with benefits, etc.
Typically in general, most people are most comfortable when relationship moves towards having sex it often becomes exclusive relationship (in general, for most people). Some relationships might become exclusive and dating for a long time without sex. Some marriages even are platonic and maybe one or both have sex outside the marriage.
I think this is all personal preferences, but by default many times with an SO you usually are both building towards a common goal together to cement your future together. Again, I’m sure that’s not the case for everyone but I am just speaking generally.
With a “very good friend” that might not necessarily be the case - but these lines can all get very fuzzy depending on people’s outlooks, perspectives, wants etc.
I probably haven’t given you much clarity here but I also think many people have wrestled with at one point or another in the dating world.
For me: SO (and if they’re not the same: spouse) is more about becoming a team.
With a really good friend, unless you have something very special, you’ll probably not tether your lives together and commit to going through the rest of your days together.
There’s something that happens over time when you have that commitment that really bonds you (so I’ve found). I haven’t felt it with a friend, and the closest I’ve come to it otherwise is with family (though there’s even less commitment between family members, I’ve found).
It’s hard, but it’s also great.
I’m wondering if you might find these a helpful starting point:
https://breezewiki.com/lgbtqia/wiki/Aromantic
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship
(or not, sorry if I’m misunderstanding and just confusing you further)
Well, I guess it feels more like, all I have to offer is friendship with intimacy. But not that I don’t want to. What I mean to say is: Is not being (or not knowing how to be) a romantic type the same a someone who is aromantic?
I don’t think I can answer that for you unfortunately, it’s something for you to investigate with yourself, and at some point possibly with a potential partner too. There are also aro/ace communities around (sadly the ones on the fediverse seem pretty dead) where you can talk your feelings through with people who are going through a similar experience.
Either way, having friendship and intimacy to offer is a lot, and enough, don’t let any social constructs make you feel otherwise.
At the end of the day “relationship” is a pretty wide concept and it includes friendships as well as sexual and other partnerships, and no two are alike (despite what we’ve generally been socialised to believe - either completely platonic or the hetero-romantic boy meets girl, they date, fall in love, move in together, get married, have kids). What’s important is that you find relationships that work for you (and the other person/people involved of course), and the only way to make sure of that is to communicate as openly and honestly as you can with yourself and each other (so for example what you define as a “friendship with intimacy” might qualify as a romantic relationship to some but not to others).
Also - aromanticism, like other orientations, is a spectrum, so you might be greyromantic or demiromantic, which probably only confuses things more (I know it did for me, and so I’ve never really taken the time to figure out exactly where I fit on the aro/ace spectrums beyond knowing I’m on them), but just know that there are options for you to “try on” and see which fits most comfortably (if any!).
My first thoughts while reading OP’s post were demi and poly.
You might be aromantic, or it might just be that you haven’t met a person or had the time with a person to develop romantic feelings.
Obviously relationships are messy and complicated and varied, but generally the big difference is a commitment to a future together. For example, committed partners might pool finances, or have a kid together - the sort of things that you plan on working together on the rest of your life.
I feel the same way. I still don’t really get the difference. To me it just seems like a really close friendship where you officially agree to spend tons of time together.
Yes! This!
This has been my feeling too.
This may not be the direction you feel like taking things, but, my mindset settled on polyamory. I love that I can let friendships and relationships grow and blossom without any artificial limitations.
I do hope you find what you’re looking for
It’s very exclusive and more intimate physically and emotionally than a good friend. That’s my interpretation anyway.
besides you know what). And should it be?
We’re adults here. You can say the word sex on the internet, and yes.
To me, it seems like you may not be the type of person that feels like they need intimacy. If you want it, however, then that should be ok too. That is a major difference (for many) in people who are in relationships, and people who are just good friends. It’s not the sole defining characteristic, no, but a big one none-the-less.
…they just want a one particular friend with benefits
Why can’t it be both though? I think there’s nothing wrong with that, in my mind. I suppose a big consideration would be if you live together or not, or want to/plan to.
Another thing to consider is that SO relationships are typically seen as more static/permanent while good friends are considered more dynamic/fleeting.
In my experience, relationships (all relationships) are more dynamic than static. Realities of our mortality.
We’re adults here.
You sure about that?
Well, maybe not.
#¯_(ツ)_/¯
If you’re wondering this, you might be aromantic. I’m not saying you are, it just strikes me as similar to a conversation I’ve had with an aro/ace friend.
If you already know, please ignore me, but if not, maybe check it out and see if hearing about aromantic experiences can help.
To me, the key difference is just how much you can be yourself around that person, without any feeling of self consciousness or shame. Even with very good friends, there are still things about yourself (physical or otherwise) that you don’t let them see.
Also, my wife IS my best friend.
allow me to sum up interpersonal relationships between all 8 billion people in one sentence:
you can’tbut, in a nutshell… physical attraction is usually important, so is romance… usually a commitment to this person in terms of time and future plans where they become more like family (and maybe eventually actually family if you have kids)
there’s such a crazy spectrum of the ways in which people could get along and consider themselves “in a relationship”.
every rule or tendency is constantly broken, it escapes definition.
in general, it begins with attraction and flirting, or it’s cemented as a friendship…
and, poetically, i’d say it’s a relationship when they start to see themselves as an entity, and of course others will see them like that too… a sort of hive-mind develops…
sorta like when celebrity couples get a combo nickname…My wife says she got to marry her best friend, and I say that I get to bang my best friend whenever we want.
I’m not sure about you, but the best partner I could ever think of is one that is also your best friend; they are easy to talk to, comfortable to be with, you can joke with them, appreciate the world with them, and generally see them as your best friend, with the layer of also feeling profound physical, emotional, and (possibly) sexual intimacy. You genuinely love each other in the most pure sense of the word and can depend on each other more certainly than anyone else, because you can share anything with them, because they are your closest friend in the world.
However, most of it depends on what you want. Simply think about what you want most in a partner, and then look for that. Are you looking for someone who is also figuring out what to do in their love life? Do you need someone to push you in a direction? You have far more agency in your choices than you think you do.
Perhaps first, you should meditate on what you are looking for before you begin seeking it.
Intimacy, whether its shared via sex with a partner or deep connection via friendship, manifests much stronger and more complex emotions.
Things you wouldnt care about become more important. Do i have this persons trust, do they love me back, why do they do that one thing with their teeth?!
