Hey all. I am honestly a little apprehensive about posting but I really need the Internet to weigh in.
Me (33F) and my bf (32m) have been together on and off for about 7 yrs for various reasons (the biggest one being COVID). For the purpose of this, let’s call him Z. About 2 years ago, me and Z made a huge decision to pick up our lives and move across the country for a better life, a chance to buy a home and start fresh.
I would be lying to say it was not an easy transition to living with each other. We definitely had some spats, many of which were in my side and dealt with a lot of my own insecurities, our past issues, my difficulty communicating my emotions in a moment and his ex being ever present in his life in an uncomfortable way for me. Knowing a lot of my issues were mine alone, I started therapy and meds and have seen a huge change in myself. I still have a lot of work to do. I am not perfect by any means and I would be lying to say I am
Even with my issues, I do try my best daily to remind Z how much I love him and admire him. Z pays for the mortgage and utilities on our home, but I have taken on most tasks and expenses (I cook, clean, do groceries, garbage and pay for the insurance on our vehicles as well as any trips). I try to tell him I love him constantly and I try to show physical affection through kisses, squeezing his hand). Z rarely does any sort of chores or tasks around the home (unless it is something dire or immediate) and spends most of his time on Reddit, talking with his ex or on Facebook.
We do spend time together on the couch watching shows or YouTube and we try to talk about our day or things that interest us, but I often feel out of place as he is on his phone a lot of the time. Z only really kisses me if he is waking up in the morning, leaving for work, going to bed or wanting sex. He rarely kiss me or hugs me without reason. It is rare we will go out on dates nowadays unless we are expected to meet up with people. The last time he wrote me a love letter for over 3 yrs ago and the last gift I received was 2 yrs ago (unless you count the guilty cake he bought 3 days after my birthday because work had stressed him out so much that he didn’t have time).
After a stressful week of Z and I having to handle family stress and letting it impact us, I brought up that maybe we should take sometime to put more effort into us and just reconnecting because we have had issues. This started a huge fight in which I was told his effort in dealing with me was not being appreciated. He told me handling me took a lot out of him and he needed days to recover to be around me. He made it clear he didn’t want to do anything with me because he just had negative connotations that we would just fight again. He saw his method of separate recovery and communication is the only logical method. He made it clear he was now brutal hurt that I brought this up and didn’t feel we had enough affection. To Z, the space was important for him to heal and he needed it to be able to want to show me affection. He even brought up how maybe we should take a break because I was clearly so unhappy with him. He said I was angry almost every week and it was exhausting for him because all I wanted to do was change him.
To be honest, I was floored. I tried to explain the benefits of just trying to show affection to each other and how it can hopefully lead to communication, more connection and also stress relief. I tried to offer an alternative perspective on how it could actually heal the wounds we feel and he barely acknowledged it. I didn’t ask for anything big. I just asked for even just more hugs and kisses and he rejected it entirely.
We had this conversation about 3 hours ago and he has barely acknowledged my presence.
I feel ridiculous writing this. I see both sides but I feel entirely in the wrong now and like a spoiled brat asking for affection from a man who doesn’t have the capacity
From the info you provided, my opinion is that you are not the asshole and frankly sounds like more than a few red flags from your boyfriend.
That’s a tough situation to be in. You mentioned the lack of house chores on his part, is that something that bothers you, or just something that doesn’t speak highly of hos character?
I guess I brought it up for more context than anything in how we have split the relationship tasks/chores/ stuff. It does not bother me much, unless he makes a joke when I ask for help or he takes hours to do a task and gets irritated if I remind him too much. But it may be more me being upset in the moment
I get that. I’m glad you’re getting good feedback. I was struggling to offer some sound advice but others in this thread are articulating my sentiments well. I’m happy you’re getting help and that that’s working for you, good job! I’m a strong advocate of seeking professional help from a therapist. If your boyfriend has trauma from a therapist, that’s gotta be a difficult bridge to cross, but I do feel like that is going to be a nessesity in moving your relationship forward, whether it’s from a professional or you end up working that role (almost impossible to do from your position within the relationship imho). My feelings go out to you, I hope you’re getting good advice here!
NTA
Sounds like he’s heavily on the autistic spectrum, and you may find online resources that handle that to be really useful.
I’m a computer guy, introvert and very much see Z’s point of view. When I go through a difficult time with a partner, I get nervous about any message they send me. I find that if I spend too much time, even with the people I love most, I get absolutely drained and need to run away and hide, often for days at a time. Hell, I even still live with my ex. I see his side.
You’ve tried to do the right thing here by coming forwards and communicating. Any other relationship, that’s gold star behaviour. He, however, was already overloaded from things and needed to quiet the gremlins in his brain before he could have that conversation. As such, raising any issue would likely have set him off. All the voices in his brain are screaming, and you just handed him one more.
To be clear, you still did nothing wrong. In a relationship, you can’t just ignore problems. The issue is that communicating with people like us can be a nightmare.
People like us need a lot of space, and it’s really hard (but important) for us to learn that every communication a proper partner starts with us comes from a place of love. When overwhelmed, we feel attacked by absolutely any comment at all. Even a simple question like if we’re hungry or want anything from the shop can feel like we’re being made to process more burden. Learning how to not see things that way is a skill we simply lack, and need to actively and consciously apply. I often find myself reading a message from my partner, having to stop, change my frame of mind, and start again. I had to learn how to do that.
To help him, when you approach a topic, reassure him as much as you can that he’s not done anything wrong. Tell him he doesn’t have to deal with something straight away. That the two of you can deal with this in your own time, but you want to help both of you be happier by dealing with this problem.
If you want a relationship with him, you’ll need patience, and he will need to learn how to handle his emotions in these situations. It won’t be easy, and he will likely reject help from a councillor or some other person (introvert, remember?) so it will be a very personal battle.
He may also benefit from having an office or man-cave, somewhere that he can retreat to, where you don’t go without a good reason, don’t talk through the door, don’t go in without knocking, and don’t go in without waiting for you to invite him in. Yes, it’s your house too, but this will give him a space to decompress where he doesn’t need to worry about having another person in his space. If you’re really short on space, a screen door dividing up the room may create that space. This will give him a space to quiet the screaming in his brain.
I mentioned online resources at the start of this, and I would highly recommend going through all sorts of material. See what he agrees with, and see what helps you both communicate. Here’s a starting point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3tTYlPuGH0
I appreciate your input a lot. We have joked a lot that he is definitely on the spectrum to some extent (and in some ways so am I) and it is honestly one of the biggest parts about it that makes me love him so much
Everything you stated in your reply about how you feel, he has stated, especially with regards to space and downtime after stressful events and fights. Even the gremlins is an almost great parallel to how he explained it. I definitely struggled with that a lot in the past because of attachment issues; but, with therapy, I have definitely shifted to giving distance.
I definitely will work harder on making him aware that he is not at fault or the issue (I do struggle at saying the right thing to make him see that I won’t lie).
I do agree on the space/ personal space. He is sort of an interesting guy, I always offer for him to have a man cave, but he refuses. We have come to the unspoken compromise that if he closes the door to the bedroom or any room in particular, that’s a sign he wants to be alone and I do my best to respect it unless it is dire. But I will definitely push a man cave more, he really deserves the space
I will look into more resources and the YouTube video.
NTA/At least don’t sound like the asshole from what you’ve shared. As always, nr 1 advice is “don’t take advice from the internet or people who don’t truly know your situation”.
That being said, I believe relationships are about mutual respect and even adoration, which it sounds like might not abound in your relationship. I’d say his reaction to your asking for more affection is a red flag, that being said maybe there’s a chance he was getting defensive or may have misunderstood your point which might mean you can overcome it together. In my experience these types of discussions have to take place in a safe space where mutual respect has been established, like first talking earnestly about how you feel about each other and then proceeding to how you can make each other even happier.
But yeah, nobody here knows your situation well enough to render judgement, as always, barring you two establishing a healthy method of communication around these things, seeking professional help should be the only real consideration.
Thank you for this. I do agree there is usually three sides to a story: your side, my side and the middle. I do agree that it may have been a misunderstanding. I guess silver lining is this discussion happened over messages so we can both have time to reflect and hopefully come back together to figure it out
Thank you. I have brought it up but he is against any professional help based on past traumas surrounding therapists
Couples therapy. Don’t ask internet strangers. They will potentially ruin your relationship and pull you down to their level. If you love this person and they love you then seek unbiased professional help.
If your partner ultimately refuses then you know how much they care about how your hurting. I refused at least twice before giving in. What could it hurt? Well, It turned out to be the best thing for us. In just a few sessions I learned things that massively helped as did she. We were able to communicate better and even learned a few short-hand cues that barely involved any communication.
Edit: we will have been married 20 years in a few months. Talking to a pro saved us early on.
