I can relate to a lot of what you’re feeling. Being AMAB nonbinary is really hard. I feel envious of pretty much everyone else: of AFAB nonbinary people who have so much more space given to them by society, of binary trans people who feel euphoria and clarity when transitioning, and may eventually pass, but most of all of cis people who just naturally fit in as who they are.
I’m currently taking low dose estrogen, but it’s not really having the effects I’d like yet and I’m constantly feeling conflicted about it, unsure whether I should double it or stop it.
However I would really recommend that you DO try HRT, as it’s worth exploring, and it has mental effects as well. It’s an incremental process, so you’ll be able to boymode without difficulty for quite a while, and you can stop whenever if it’s not what you want. And if you are wanting to wear makeup and jewelry etc. looking more feminine, even subtly, will actually make you stand out less.
Lastly, there are plenty of good women out there that will pick up on your feminine side and accept you. I have friends including cis women who I think genuinely don’t view me as a man, despite me still appearing as such.
I haven’t figured out how to date though. It’s really rough being too feminine for straight women and too masculine for gay women. I’ve never been able to fulfill gendered expectations, when I experience a sapphic style of attraction, and I’m terrified of being seen as a creepy aggressive man.
Think about it this way - everything moves through spacetime at the same “speed”, so the faster you go through space, the slower you move through time, which is why photons experience no time.