I’ll comment my solution here in case anyone comes across this with a similar problem.

I installed Antimicro, it comes up under slightly different names like AntimicroX but they should all be the same.

I mapped buttons on the controller to the keyboard and it all worked. You just need to map the matching controls in the game to the controller keybinds.

This was perfect for my use case because I bought my boys these controllers:

(They’re 2 years old so I don’t want to get them good ones.)

These controllers have a few problems with them. First is games and retroarch don’t seem to recognise the D-pad inputs like normal, and second is Midtown Madness 2 defaults to a joystick axis for steering and you can’t remap this.

Antimicro has fixed these problems by mapping everything to the keyboard, allowed me to play Burnout: Paradise with a controller, and fixed the new problem of trying to play Midtown Madness 2 without analogue sticks.

Antimicro is free and open source for Windows and Linux so it should sort you out on whatever platform you’re on. I made my own profile, but you can download existing profiles from the internet as well.

Since this is an old laptop for my kids I don’t want to put Steam on there. I found a program called antimicro that translates controller inputs to keyboard keys so I’m going to try that out

If Fortnite Goku endorsed Kamala she’d win every state in Brazil

You can tell this is just a bunch of sick riffs they had lying around they threw together into a song. It’s up there with Frankenstein by the Edgar Winter Group

That’s how they catch their prey

The Galaxy 7 in this meme means this template is old as fuck

‘Invaded by over 60 billion aliens’. Someone has been reading my AO3 posts and taking them literally

Holy crap, Lois. It’s almost like that time when…

Man Door Hand Hook Car Door is my favourite Mathcore band to open for Fall Of Troy and never make it out of their home town

If you’re cold, they’re cold. Let them in

Chess boxing used to be an Olympic sport. What happened to society?

He’s also a huge metalhead is that does anything for you

A neurodivergent migrant has a new hyperfixation and you’re making fun of him? Do better, hexbear

This needs the Adobe stock watermark over it

Damn, they’re all right up there and I know nothing about them. Really goes to show how much they teach us about our neighbours

I told my mans not to accept those Venetian bonds on credit

Aren’t at least the first four just Indonesia? Honestly they can have it

America’s “At what cost?” is these Trump “Any day now” articles

If I had a super lib take and Adam quote-tweeted me I would commit sudoku

Heh, at that runtime it’s almost as long as one of his dang movies