Would have made a good 80’s movies plot with Leslie Nielsen in Rfk role
Don’t call me Shirley
No one expects the US inquisition. Wait, yes they do. Nevermind, don’t get to make those jokes anymore.
Who is Delores Umbrige in the current Trump cabinet, Marjorie Taylor Greene?
No one expects the US inquisition. Wait, yes they do. Nevermind, don’t get to make those jokes anymore.
The US doesn’t inquire anymore: we’ve reached the “straight to the death camp” part of our transition to nazism.
Who is Delores Umbrige in the current Trump cabinet, Marjorie Taylor Greene?
Elon, 100%. Take the wands out of the picture, and rename “Ministry of Magic” to “United States Government” and suddenly that chunk of the Harry Potter story is just a documentary about DOGE.
Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory
Honestly that’s the only part that gave it away.
Nope, I still had to check. I hate this timeline.
I was ready to eat it until then. God damn onion you’re good.
Even without The Onion branding I knew it was fake. Roadkill Fucking Kennedy can’t go any louder than pathetic croaking.
Rfk jr. sounds like me trying to argue and yell at someone in a dream and my voice constantly cracks
Oh, it’s the onion, I ate the onion for a moment there.
In your defense, it is very believable.
we live in a timeline where the onion headlines are more plausible than real ones
Oh fuck I did too until I read your comment holy hell this timeline is the fucking worst
I honestly could see him doing this.
I can’t.
He “knows” already where autism is found: in vaccines. That is what he will announce in September.
It is what he has claimed in the past, only this time he will “prove” it after 5 months of “rigorous investigations”.
Only if you show me where you make measles!
Funny thing is, if this really happened, it wouldn’t even make it to the list of the first hundred craziest things that happened in the US last month.
Living the times when The Onion is only mildly crazy.
in about 3 weeks, he’s actually going to shout this at somebody.
The Onion has been predicting the future lately and I hate it.
“Lately” it’s been like a decade of this. There’s whole generation that will know The Onion as the world’s least willing oracle.
Pretty sure they just buy the HFC rather than make it themselves.
That shit is in EVERYTHING here in the U.S. - thanks corn lobbyists. It wouldn’t even surprise me if there was some sort of connection between the two (but I’m also not about to go actually claiming there is)
Until now, didn’t know I had a fantasy of Lil Bobby drowning in a vat of boiling green apple syrup.
Seriously one of the best headlines this year. Great work.
